Garffleck Spawn Born. World Surprsingly Does Not End

I can't believe I was out of the country and away from the computer for the biggest news event of the year: BENNIFER GARFFLECK welcomed their first child, VIOLET ANN, into the world on Dec. 1 at 3:26 p.m, after a record 17-month pregnancy.

For a while there it seemed like the ALIAS starlet was never going to pop. Her stomach had been growing for months on end, giving way to endless picture-snapping by shutterbug tourists -- not because they were excited to see SYDNEY BRISTOW in person, but instead because they mistook her for the famed L.A. landmark the CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING.

Despite some early-labor panic attacks by Affleck (who reportedly almost garfflecked all over the delivery room when the contractions started happening), the delivery went off without a hitch. In fact, thanks to the interminable nature of Violet's gestation, the overgrown infant had matured such that she could simply walk out of Garner's birth canal, sporting - just like her parents - a STARBUCKS Venti Iced Latte in tow.

Showing that there's no hard feelings from 3,000 miles away, JENNIFER LOPEZ, the first victim of Affleck's career-killing pox, celebrated the birth of her ex's daughter with a customary smoke. (She couldn't find any "It's a Girl!" Cigars, so instead settled on a VIRGINIA SLIM, in honor of Garner's home state.)

Many have speculated that the recent pile-up of cataclysmic events (tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, Aeon Flux) were long-prophesied harbingers of the birth of the ANTICHRIST. But since life itself continued on this past week, many biblical scholars have crossed the Garffleck child off the list of potential candidates, leaving the forthcoming TOMKAT chickadee/publicity stunt (to be released day-and-date with M:I-III) as the frontrunner.

With another mouth to feed, the Garfflecks will now have to make double the Starbucks runs. So not three hours after birthing lil' Violet, workaholic Jennifer Garner was said to have strapped on her faux-pregnancy pad and requisite bright, red wig and returned to the set of her soon-to-be defunct ABC spy series, whilst Papa Affleck pulled a KEVIN FEDERLINE on the couch, smoked cigs (ashing in Violet's bassinet, natch) and watched re-runs of CELEBRITY BLACK JACK.

Garner and Affleck were married July 4th of this year. It was the first marriage for Ben, the second for Jen and the last for neither.

Thanks to JUST JARED for the above picture of Mama Jen.