Heather Locklear: The Bitch Is Back

...And as WAYNE & GARTH would say, "We're not worthy."

Anyone who knew me circa 7th grade (so sorry for you) surely remembers my questionably stalkerish obsession with HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Sadly, my life pretty much peaked upon meeting her at RUMSON's LA FROMAGERIE in 1994. (Specific highlight: my sister STACEY telling Heather, and I quote: "You're my biggest fan," too which the mini-skirted Queen of Mean simply stared wide-eyed Jiminy Glick-style and fiddled with the goat cheese salad on her plate.)

Just one week after THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reported that she and long-time husband RICHIE SAMBORA were having problems (which ironically ocurred one week after I chatted with SACHS, KIM and PAM about how miraculously happy they seemed) the 44-year-old MILF (and only actress who could ever woo me back to watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) hit the town solo to prove both that she still got it (she does!) and that it was cold out (click the picture for proof).

For nostalgia's sake, below please find some highlights from the AMANDA WOODWARD lexicon of zingers:

- Count your friends, Michael... Oops, done already?

- Upon learning Jo has moved to Bosnia spur of the moment: Well she could be on the moon for all I care, she's not getting her deposit back.

- Upon learning Alison has been promoted: I don't know how you pulled this, off you dishonest, self-serving, pathetic drunk! But when I find out, I am going to cut you open like a rotten piece of fruit! (To Brooke): And you, with your paws all over my stuff, I don't know who you are, but you're dead too!"
- While visiting Alison in the hospital after she just lost her eye sight: Oh my God Allison, you're gonna want to keep this flower arrangement. You should SEE it. It's bigger than a Buick.

- On offering anything in her closet to Alison: "Feel free to borrow anything you can squeeze into."

- And the classic, Season II tirade:

I promised to make your life a living hell, and I always keep my promises. Oh, and don't bother quitting. With the report I could put in your file, you couldn't get a job bagging groceries. I'm going to do you the way you did me and when I'm done with you, all you'll be left with is that proverbial wish: that you'd never been born."