Who is The Carver?

Last week, NIP/TUCK star JULIAN MCMAHON ran into a friend of mine. Said friend naturally asked the question that's been on everyone's mind since the series came back for its middling, crapfest of a third season: "Who is the Carver?" - the serial rapist and slasher who's been plaguing Miami's nip and tucked elite and most specifically the doctors of plastic surgery practice McNamara/Troy.

Julian asked three times if he really wanted to know - to which he responded "hell yeah," - and wrote down the answer in an envelope. I'm looking at the envelope right now. It says "What Julian Said: 12/14/05." Tonight I'm going to open the envelope to find out if what he said was true.

Last year, NIP/TUCK was far and away the best, most involving, heart-wrenching, gut-punching, shocking, addicting and unpredictable show on television. This year, not so much.

While last year major revelation followed unforeseen plot twist, this year almost nothing has happened. The show has been deficient in it's "oh no they di'in't moments" and episodes have been bloated and boring. JULIAN MCMAHON's Christian Troy has become a leering, middle-aged codger, heroes Sean and Julia McNamara have been the victims of one of the worst character assassinations in TV history and the void left by the departure of FAMKE JANSSEN's super vixen, transsexual life coach Ava Moore was unsatisfyingly filled by amphibious bisexual asshole Quentin Costa. There have only been a few choice episodes this season, thanks to an appropriately dark story arc for morbidly fucked up son Matt (he went from screwing a post-op transsexual last year, to a pre-op transsexual this year, to a red-blooded honest-to-goodness teenage girl - who just happened to be a Neo-Nazi - in recent episodes). With the exception of Matt, who peppered his too few appearances with snotty little barbs worthy of AMANDA WOODWARD, this season was more "Shit/Fuck" than "Nip/Tuck."

While re-introducing us to RHONA MITRA's, you guessed it, KIT MCGRAW (a Scotland Yard-trained forensic detective fighting crime in South Beach, if you can believe it), tonight's two-hour finale promises to bring fans closure to a season-and-a-half long storyline involving THE CARVER, a serial rapist who HATES plastic surgery. Series mastermind (I use the term liberally) RYAN MURPHY has made the Carver storyline the centerpiece of this season -- well, he claims to at least. The Carver only showed up in about four episodes, and while I'm hoping his/her identity will be a real shot to the show's system, I think it's a mystery that audiences only care about because we've been told to. (Plus there's nothing else on TV this week.)

The Carver was supposed to be a one-episode stunt, but when ratings spiked, Murphy decided to bring him back for a three-episode arc at Season II's end. That gave way to stretching across the entire third season, and no doubt, into the fourth.

So who is the Carver? Head over to Vegas and you can actually place bets. Here's my list of most likely suspects.

1.) Sean McNamara - This is a bold choice, having the show's "hero" turn out to be the villain. While Sean has always been a moralistic dolt, in recent years he's become increasingly conflicted about the nature of his work as a plastic surgeon. And we all saw him go off the deep end last year when he learned that he wasn't the biological father of his son Matt. Sure Sean was a victim of the Carver, but he could've done that to himself in a schizophrenic freak out. Making Sean the grand villain would be shocking - in the best Nip/Tuck sense of the word - and bring his inner conflict with his profession -- and with the people in his life -- full circle.

2.) Ava Moore - She hasn't been around all season, but this lethal lady seems crazy enough to do this. "Beauty is a curse on the world," is the profound little phrase the Carver throws at his victims right before he slashes their face. No one's really felt this curse greater than Ava. She started off as a man, fell in love with ALEC BALDWIN, got a sex change to be with him only to realize that he could never love her knowing that she was once a man. (He even told Sean and Christian that "beauty is a curse anecdote.") In her life in Miami, she was a life coach "transforming lives," much as the Carver does. The Carver lashed out at McNamara/Troy because in fixing the faces of his victims they were "undoing his work." Well, Ava was trying to bring all of the McNamara family's issues to the surface in coaching Julia and dating Matt, but Christian and Sean and Julia constantly resisted -- again undoing her work. Also, Carver has the face of a woman but the body of a man -- lot like Ava.

3.) Christian's Father - This year, Christian met his biological mother played by KATHY BAKER. He learned that he was the product of a rape, and perhaps Daddy Troy has some unfinished buisness with his son. We've never met him, but I've heard rumblings that we might.

4.) Gina Russo - Christian's on-again-off-again, HIV-afflicted, sex-addicted lover. She hates pretty much everyone and was showing off some major animosity toward Christian's bride-to-be Kimber just moments before she was supposed to walk down the aisle --only to be abducted by the Carver.

5.) Matt McNamara - Completely fucked up upon learning that Christian was his real father. Sexually confused, increasingly angry.

6.) Julia McNamara - Julia hasn't done much with her life, but perhaps raping girls and slicing their faces was a schizo way of feeling like she's accomplished something. She always wanted to be a surgeon, but never got the chance. She's got lots of pent-up resentment for Christian and Sean. Could be.

7.) Erica Noughton - Julia's twatty mom. Seems a little incredible, but she has enough issues and certainly the snatchy disposition.

8.) Annie McNamara - Julia and Sean's 10-year-old daughter. Sure she only appears, like, once a season, but maybe this has been her way of fighting to get more screen time.

Tune in tonight to find out.