Who is The Carver?

Last week, NIP/TUCK star JULIAN MCMAHON ran into a friend of mine. Said friend naturally asked the question that's been on everyone's mind since the series came back for its middling, crapfest of a third season: "Who is the Carver?" - the serial rapist and slasher who's been plaguing Miami's nip and tucked elite and most specifically the doctors of plastic surgery practice McNamara/Troy.

Julian asked three times if he really wanted to know - to which he responded "hell yeah," - and wrote down the answer in an envelope. I'm looking at the envelope right now. It says "What Julian Said: 12/14/05." Tonight I'm going to open the envelope to find out if what he said was true.

Last year, NIP/TUCK was far and away the best, most involving, heart-wrenching, gut-punching, shocking, addicting and unpredictable show on television. This year, not so much.

While last year major revelation followed unforeseen plot twist, this year almost nothing has happened. The show has been deficient in it's "oh no they di'in't moments" and episodes have been bloated and boring. JULIAN MCMAHON's Christian Troy has become a leering, middle-aged codger, heroes Sean and Julia McNamara have been the victims of one of the worst character assassinations in TV history and the void left by the departure of FAMKE JANSSEN's super vixen, transsexual life coach Ava Moore was unsatisfyingly filled by amphibious bisexual asshole Quentin Costa. There have only been a few choice episodes this season, thanks to an appropriately dark story arc for morbidly fucked up son Matt (he went from screwing a post-op transsexual last year, to a pre-op transsexual this year, to a red-blooded honest-to-goodness teenage girl - who just happened to be a Neo-Nazi - in recent episodes). With the exception of Matt, who peppered his too few appearances with snotty little barbs worthy of AMANDA WOODWARD, this season was more "Shit/Fuck" than "Nip/Tuck."

While re-introducing us to RHONA MITRA's, you guessed it, KIT MCGRAW (a Scotland Yard-trained forensic detective fighting crime in South Beach, if you can believe it), tonight's two-hour finale promises to bring fans closure to a season-and-a-half long storyline involving THE CARVER, a serial rapist who HATES plastic surgery. Series mastermind (I use the term liberally) RYAN MURPHY has made the Carver storyline the centerpiece of this season -- well, he claims to at least. The Carver only showed up in about four episodes, and while I'm hoping his/her identity will be a real shot to the show's system, I think it's a mystery that audiences only care about because we've been told to. (Plus there's nothing else on TV this week.)

The Carver was supposed to be a one-episode stunt, but when ratings spiked, Murphy decided to bring him back for a three-episode arc at Season II's end. That gave way to stretching across the entire third season, and no doubt, into the fourth.

So who is the Carver? Head over to Vegas and you can actually place bets. Here's my list of most likely suspects.

1.) Sean McNamara - This is a bold choice, having the show's "hero" turn out to be the villain. While Sean has always been a moralistic dolt, in recent years he's become increasingly conflicted about the nature of his work as a plastic surgeon. And we all saw him go off the deep end last year when he learned that he wasn't the biological father of his son Matt. Sure Sean was a victim of the Carver, but he could've done that to himself in a schizophrenic freak out. Making Sean the grand villain would be shocking - in the best Nip/Tuck sense of the word - and bring his inner conflict with his profession -- and with the people in his life -- full circle.

2.) Ava Moore - She hasn't been around all season, but this lethal lady seems crazy enough to do this. "Beauty is a curse on the world," is the profound little phrase the Carver throws at his victims right before he slashes their face. No one's really felt this curse greater than Ava. She started off as a man, fell in love with ALEC BALDWIN, got a sex change to be with him only to realize that he could never love her knowing that she was once a man. (He even told Sean and Christian that "beauty is a curse anecdote.") In her life in Miami, she was a life coach "transforming lives," much as the Carver does. The Carver lashed out at McNamara/Troy because in fixing the faces of his victims they were "undoing his work." Well, Ava was trying to bring all of the McNamara family's issues to the surface in coaching Julia and dating Matt, but Christian and Sean and Julia constantly resisted -- again undoing her work. Also, Carver has the face of a woman but the body of a man -- lot like Ava.

3.) Christian's Father - This year, Christian met his biological mother played by KATHY BAKER. He learned that he was the product of a rape, and perhaps Daddy Troy has some unfinished buisness with his son. We've never met him, but I've heard rumblings that we might.

4.) Gina Russo - Christian's on-again-off-again, HIV-afflicted, sex-addicted lover. She hates pretty much everyone and was showing off some major animosity toward Christian's bride-to-be Kimber just moments before she was supposed to walk down the aisle --only to be abducted by the Carver.

5.) Matt McNamara - Completely fucked up upon learning that Christian was his real father. Sexually confused, increasingly angry.

6.) Julia McNamara - Julia hasn't done much with her life, but perhaps raping girls and slicing their faces was a schizo way of feeling like she's accomplished something. She always wanted to be a surgeon, but never got the chance. She's got lots of pent-up resentment for Christian and Sean. Could be.

7.) Erica Noughton - Julia's twatty mom. Seems a little incredible, but she has enough issues and certainly the snatchy disposition.

8.) Annie McNamara - Julia and Sean's 10-year-old daughter. Sure she only appears, like, once a season, but maybe this has been her way of fighting to get more screen time.

Tune in tonight to find out.

Homo on the Range

Had a rather productive weekend at the movies this weekend, knocking two highly anticipated, Golden Globe-nominated films off my list. While both were OK, it's looking like I might leave 2005 without truly loving a single movie.

Saturday it was THE FAMILY STONE, this year's obligatory dysfunctional family, ensemble holiday comedy. I actually really enjoyed it (save for a slightly unbelievable note toward the end) and thought it was just the right mix of "sweet and sour." Loved DIANE KEATON (would love to see her swipe a Best Supporting Actress nod), loved RACHEL MCADAMS (quickly overtaking similarly dimpled JENNIFER GARNER in my affections), loved Coach and loved LUKE WILSON. Liked SARAH JESSICA PARKER. And of course, had to hold myself back from giving ALIAS/LOST composer MICHAEL GIACCHINO a standing ovation when his credit appeared. *** (B+)

Sunday saw BROKEBACK MOUNT-HIM, and spent the majority of the movie trying to come up with gay cowboy jokes for the blog. The movie was "eh" ultimately. Scanning the reviews today I realized how good the movie SOUNDED. On paper it seems like a really affecting, tragic love story but the movie felt devoid of the necessary passion to really make it something special. HEATH LEDGER was great and though I don't think he reached "Brando heights" as the NEW YORK TIMES claimed, he was pretty incredible. MICHELLE WILLIAMS was great, but underused. Ultimately, I didn't really get why Jake and Heath were so in love. They're relationship seemed really dull. At 2 hours and 14 minutes, the movie wasn't much more exciting either. A lot of fishing, and not in this movie's euphemistic sense. (I'm never going to look at anyone with a "fishin' buddy" again.) I find it ridiculous that no one has really reported that SOUTH PARK called this movie years ago in their episode about the Sundance Film Festival coming to South Park. CARTMAN oh so elegantly hit the nail on the head when he said that he hates independent movies, because they're all about "gay cowboys sitting around eating pudding." If you sub in "beans" for "pudding" that's essential all this movie is. A lot of sitting and a lot of sparse landscapes and lot of beans. ** 1/2 (B)

For those of you curious. SPOILER ALERT, JAKE GYLLENHAAL is the bottom.

Fucktard of the Week: Michelle Rodriguez

There's something that's always rubbed me the wrong way about MICHELLE "DIESEL" RODRIGUEZ. Anyone who's seen her PUNK'D episode knows that her snotty hubris extends beyond the spicy characters she's played in GIRLFIGHT and BLUE CRUSH and into the reality of her every day life. My hatred has only been confirmed and augmented by her turn on LOST as domineering and pigheaded twat ANA-LUCIA. (Though I must admit, her flashback episode was one of the best of the season.) So it was really only a matter of time before Lost's most macho star made it to the Fucktard of the Week column.

Anyone who navigates the blogosphere no doubt heard that Diesel and fellow Lost "taily" CYNTHIA WATROS (an even more busted and shitty addition to the previously flawless ensemble) were arrested for a DUI in Hawaii a few weeks ago. (How RYAN MARTINEZ-y is her expression in that mug shot, btw? You can almost hear the surly "sirs" and "mams" coming out of her mouth.)

But today, more details about what exactly went down have gotten out. Court records reveal that Diesel was extremely "argumentative" with the police officer who pulled her over on Dec. 1, and like most self-important, belligerant drunk girls caught red-handed with a blood alcohol content of .15, let the tequila and tonics do the talking:

"I don't fucking belong here," she yelled. "Why don't you just put a gun to my head and shoot me! You've already taken my freedom! You might as well take my life too!"

Whoa there William Wallace, simmer down. Before you go all Patrick Henry, you might want to show some sensitivity to co-star JOSH HOLLOWAY -- who actually had a gun put to his head last month during a home invasion and armed robbery.

Among other drunken cliches Rodriguez spouted at the scene: willingness to demonstrate impossible feats of strength and endurance. When the police officer put her in his squad car to drive her back to the station, she reportedly said: “Just take my car and I’ll walk all the way to the North Shore [which was 10 miles away] but don’t leave me in the back of this car, papi.”

In summary, what a drunk whore.

Paramount Chief Offers J.J. Abrams a Development Deal in Shameless Play to Learn the Truth About "The Numbers."

For shame, BRAD GREY! Offering up tens of millions of dollars of your company's money just to get your hands on some LOST spoilers. Sure I want to know what the Numbers mean as much as the next guy, but I go about it the old fashion way -- by trolling fan message boards and running out to Borders every time a new official Lost Magazine hits newsstands.

The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that PARAMOUNT is aggressively pursuing a deal that would bring bespectacled fanboy pin-up J.J. ABRAMS and his BAD ROBOT PRODUCTIONS to the studio. Such a deal would mark the end of JAbrams' seven-year relationship with Disney, a union that birthed such brilliant, one-word-titled television enterprises as FELICITY, ALIAS and LOST, as well as the upcoming midseason soap WHAT ABOUT BRIAN.

No one's commenting on the exact terms of the proposed deal, but my fake sources tell me that in exchange for, like, a gazillion dollars, J.J. will produce feature film, television, video game and new media projects for the studio, as well as privately reveal to Grey exactly what THE MONSTER is, the objective of the DHARMA INITIATIVE and the true reason why FRANCIE doesn't like coffee ice cream. At press time, parties were said to be disputing a few key issues -- namely the location of Abrams' office, the size of his new staff and whether he'd reveal what's up with SLOANE's wardrobe, RAMBALDI's endgame and why no one's hair seems to grow on The Island.

Just as HOWARD STERN's recent deal with SIRIUS included the reassembling of the shock jock's radio cast and crew, it's expected that Abrams' deal would also bring the exceedingly loyal writer-director-producer's team of merry collaborators to the studio. Among talent from Abrams' troupe expected to realign with Paramount: Felicity actors KERI RUSSELL, AMANDA FOREMAN and AMY AQUINO, composer MICHAEL GIACCHINO, cinematographer MICHAEL BONVILLAIN and best friend GREG GRUNBERG. (Though sources say Paramount was hoping Disney would just keep Grunberg.)

As reported in the L.A. Times:

Grey, who this week reached an agreement to buy DreamWorks SKG, the company Spielberg co-founded in 1994, has simultaneously been wooing J.J. Abrams, these sources said. Abrams, 39, is the co-creator of two of the most high-profile shows on TV: the island mystery "Lost" and the cult favorite "Alias," both of which air on ABC.

Abrams has been based for seven years on the Burbank lot of ABC's parent company, Walt Disney Co. But for the last several months, he has been working for Paramount, where he is now editing the studio's $175-million "Mission Impossible: 3."The movie, which stars Tom Cruise and marks Abrams' feature directorial debut, has given Grey an opening. According to two sources close to the discussions, the studio chief is tempting the writer-producer-director with an all-encompassing deal to make movies, television shows and possibly even video games and take part in Internet ventures for Paramount.

Abrams' current deal with Disney, which covers only TV projects, expires in July. Disney executives know about Grey's overtures but have talked to Abrams only about extending his TV deal, not about expanding it to include feature films, according to two sources.

Abrams and his representatives are expected to make a business proposal to Paramount, Disney and other interested studios and networks early next year, sources said. That proposal could launch a bidding war among the rival media companies, including Fox and General Electric Co.'s NBC Universal, which privately have said they would jump at the chance to bring Abrams and his company into their fold.

Is it my frickin' birthday or something? ALIAS was AWESOME last night (the return of VAUGHN and SPY MOMMY?!!) and then today, the LOS ANGELES TIMES journalistically felates my personal idol J.J. ABRAMS? If only they had mentioned LAGUNA BEACH and thrown in a DAME JUDI DENCH reference (remember that obsession Sachs and Margolies?)and it might've been the best day ever!

Check out the entire article HERE.

Male-ias

After his barely watched appearance on KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL last week, MICHAEL VARTAN sheepishly returns to do JENNIFER GARNER's bidding like a pussy-whipped bitch on tonight's ALIAS. And while this show's penchant for resurrecting dead spouses is growing a bit tired, the return of VAUGHN couldn't come any sooner.

Look at the picture above! It's Syd & Vaughn at the Santa Monica Pier, perhaps revisting my favorite all time Alias scene (from episode 4) in which Vaughn declares to Sydney that no matter what, "he's her ally."

Here's hoping tonight's episode -- the fall finale -- can produce similar chills.

ALIAS airs tonight at 10 p.m./9 p.m. Central only on ABC.

Chain, Chain, Chayyynnn...Chain of Foo-ood.

Daaaamn, Aretha! Bitch has got to lay off the chicken fried steak.

The Queen of Soul is looking like anything but a natural woman these days. Sure Ms. Franklin was never what you'd call petite, but now the R&B crooner (who made waiters at a catered NY Oscar party run out and pick her up some KFC when she wasn't satisfied with the menu) is boasting boobs so big they require a fork-lift bra and cottage-cheese-pumped arms of MARGUERITTE PERRIN proportions.

I don't mean to poke fun, but there is something seriously wrong here. She's so fat, even her dress has cellulite. Poor thing looks like a giant sushi hand roll. But why go sleeveless, you ask? Certainly not to show off her Christmas hams, er, "guns." No, my sources tell me that the dress was not originally designed without sleeves -- they apparently just ran out of enough fabric to make them.

Heather Locklear: The Bitch Is Back

...And as WAYNE & GARTH would say, "We're not worthy."

Anyone who knew me circa 7th grade (so sorry for you) surely remembers my questionably stalkerish obsession with HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Sadly, my life pretty much peaked upon meeting her at RUMSON's LA FROMAGERIE in 1994. (Specific highlight: my sister STACEY telling Heather, and I quote: "You're my biggest fan," too which the mini-skirted Queen of Mean simply stared wide-eyed Jiminy Glick-style and fiddled with the goat cheese salad on her plate.)

Just one week after THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reported that she and long-time husband RICHIE SAMBORA were having problems (which ironically ocurred one week after I chatted with SACHS, KIM and PAM about how miraculously happy they seemed) the 44-year-old MILF (and only actress who could ever woo me back to watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) hit the town solo to prove both that she still got it (she does!) and that it was cold out (click the picture for proof).

For nostalgia's sake, below please find some highlights from the AMANDA WOODWARD lexicon of zingers:

- Count your friends, Michael... Oops, done already?

- Upon learning Jo has moved to Bosnia spur of the moment: Well she could be on the moon for all I care, she's not getting her deposit back.

- Upon learning Alison has been promoted: I don't know how you pulled this, off you dishonest, self-serving, pathetic drunk! But when I find out, I am going to cut you open like a rotten piece of fruit! (To Brooke): And you, with your paws all over my stuff, I don't know who you are, but you're dead too!"
- While visiting Alison in the hospital after she just lost her eye sight: Oh my God Allison, you're gonna want to keep this flower arrangement. You should SEE it. It's bigger than a Buick.

- On offering anything in her closet to Alison: "Feel free to borrow anything you can squeeze into."

- And the classic, Season II tirade:

I promised to make your life a living hell, and I always keep my promises. Oh, and don't bother quitting. With the report I could put in your file, you couldn't get a job bagging groceries. I'm going to do you the way you did me and when I'm done with you, all you'll be left with is that proverbial wish: that you'd never been born."

Dear Sally: This Message Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds...

The first teaser for MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III hit the other day, featuring FELICITY star/Hollywood's most underrated actress KERI RUSSELL (and Tom Cruise).

The film will, of course, mark the feature directorial debut of FELICITY/ALIAS/LOST mastermind and personal icon J.J. ABRAMS, and as a fellow blogger commented, it should be a good fit. J.J.'s always at his best when he hasn't had five seasons of a TV series to fuck his stories up.

But expect all of the typical JAbrams touchstones: starting in the middle, longing glances, melodramatic scenes set to PETER GABRIEL songs, the word "Hey," characters who open conversations with the phrase "You want to talk about it?", fraught parent-child relationships and GREG GRUNBERG

Check it out HERE

Fucktard of the Week

Shitty singer MICHELLE BRANCH went ape shit the other night by going on a rampage on the fan section of her band THE WRECKERS' Web site. Come to think of it, I can never keep Michelle Branch and VANESSA CARLTON straight, so I'm not even sure if the picture at left is the right one, but that's no bother. Her outburst was so ridiculous and hateful, it was enough to warrant the creation of a new architectural pillar of this blog: FUCKTARD OF THE WEEK. Every week, I'll try and highlight some asshole saying something so absolutely, offensively fucktarded.

She signed on to the message board section in the middle of the night and started bitching about Maverick Records, annoying fans and the pressures of fame. Read below and roll your eyes:

Alright, I don't even know why I am still awake seeing as I have to be up in a few hours to feed Owen.

What I am most frustrated at, I suppose is...I pay money to keep this website up so all of you "fans" can talk about our music. Why would I want to spend the money so the majority of you can sit around and *** about us?

I understand that you are frustrated with the fact that there isn't any music for you to listen to. Don't you think Jessica and I are frustrated too?? We finished this record over a year ago and were sent on a lame ass tour we didn't want to be on. It was a horrible idea to headline a show playing music that nobody had ever heard. Maverick wanted to make a quick buck, and unfortunately, we were obligated by contract to do so. I was 5 months pregnant when we started that tour and believe me...it was the last place I wanted to be. Then I got pushed into doing a Santana song I didn't want to do (I didn't write it either, Shanks wanted me to sing it so bad, that was a bargaining tool), Maverick wouldn't let me do it unless Jess was on it so they would get "free" promotion for a record they didn't even understand or believe in for the most part. The record wasn't released because Maverick didn't want me promoting an album pregnant. they thought it would look bad to my young fans...bull.

As far as "biting the hand that feeds you".

I would give nothing more than to play music in a *** bar and fold clothes at The Gap for a living. My "being famous" has done nothing but ruin my relationship with my parents, mostly my Father and it has made me hate doing what I used to love more than life itself...playing music. I have been pushed around and now most of you see me as someone who I never really was, and most of you can't accept the plain fact that people change and grow up and I'm not the little girl you think I am. I have a family of my own now, a baby...the last thing I could imagine doing is making music. I'm fine financially (although I don't make millions contrary to popular belief.) and being a famous musician has brought nothing to my life besides strife. (Okay, I met my wonderful husband and bandmate because of it.) I have maybe written two songs in the past year. That's ridiculous. This isn't fun for me anymore. I'm sick of sucking *** to get my music heard, putting on a fake smile, and saying things that are acceptable.

On the contrary, The Wreckers album makes me very proud and excited again. It's almost like my first day at a new school. it's a fresh start. I'm finally excited to tour (although I need to find a nanny!) and I am looking forward to seeing what fans think.

You know, I CAN take the criticism. I just don't understand why I should pay for an arena for you to do it. If you are a "fan" why do you speak about Jessica and I in that way.

I never wanted to be put on a pedestal..I just wanted to make music. And believe me, many times I have thought I was going to quit. It's too much energy to pretend it's fun. You can call me a baby if you'd like, but life is too short to spend it being miserable.

This board is going to be shut down tonight. I think we all need a break. When the Wreckers album finally comes out, we'll see the ones who decided to stick around. As for the rest of you, I meant it when I said "f-off"

-M"

Separated at Birth: Maya Angelou & the Frog King?

Is it just me or does beloved poet DR. MAYA ANGELOU look an awful lot like the FROG KING from the Lemmiwinks episode of SOUTH PARK, "The Death Camp of Intolerance."My Maya picture doesn't really do the side-by-side comparison justice. To watch her really frog-it out, go here to watch her read her latest Christmas poem, "Amazing Peace," on OPRAH.

Brandon Routh is "SUPER, thanks for asking"-Man

Poor BRYAN SINGER...

You get sued by ONE group of 15-year-old boys for forcing them to strip naked for a shower scene and then watching uncut versions of the scene at orgies in your own home and IMMEDIATELY, you're labeled as some pervy, self-serving, sexual Machiavelli.

After that above mentioned debacle that occured during the production of APT PUPIL, the USUAL SUSPECTS director has found himself in hot water for casting, well, "the usual suspects" (read: fellow gays) in his big budget epics, most recently SUPERMAN RETURNS.

In an exclusive (and hastily reported) gossip item in RADAR MAGAZINE ONLINE, actor ALEX BURTON claims that he received his role in the original X-MEN film only after engaging in a hot tub tryst with the COLIN DUDICK-lookalike director. The non-shocker has lead many to believe that complete unknown BRANDON ROUTH may have scored the lead role in the upcoming $200 million blockbuster through similar means:

Did director Bryan Singer’s penchant for casting with the lensman in his pants influence his choice of Brandon Routh to play the Man of Steel in Superman Returns? Ever since the unknown 26-year-old actor—whose career highlights consist of a season on One Life to Live and an episode of Will & Grace—landed the part over Warner Brothers’ reported favorite Jim Caviezel,fanboy bloggers have been wondering whether the famously beefcake-friendly filmmaker’s decision had more to do with his libido than his director’s eye.

Of course, if Singer cast an object of his desire in a role, it wouldn’t be the first time. According to Alex Burton, the unknown who played Pyro in Singer’s first X-Men blockbuster, he was given the part after a hot-tub session with the director at a Hollywood party. “Bryan created that role especially for me,” says Burton, who went on to act in exactly zero films post-X-Men.

Further, some are speculating that Singer hired a closeted actor specifically to have him come out of the closet during the '06 media blitzkrieg to promote the movie.

Personally, I think it's all a preposterous rumor. For one, everyone knows that AARON STANFORD, not ALEX BURTON, played PYRO, and that Pyro didn't appear until the SECOND X-MEN feature, X2: X-MEN UNITED. (Right, Joe Venti?!) So the reporting in this story is questionable at best.

Secondly, I'll refer to my belovedly busted econ professor ERIC SCHULCZ's favorite expression: "The proof is in the pudding," which, come to think of it, is pretty gnarly given the subject matter of this story.

If Bryan Singer only likes to hire gay actors, where are they in his other movies, huh? Surely you're not suggesting that KEVIN SPACEY in THE USUAL SUSPECTS is? Well, uh, what about IAN MCKELLAN in APT... HUGH JACKMAN is most definitely not -- d'oh!.

ALAN CUMMING?

Brangelina Tie the Knot? Vaughniston to Crash Wedding to Promote DVD Release of "Wedding Crashers"?

Cue the Pity Party!

Not one week after burning her wedding dress in a traditional Greek funeral pyre, it looks like JENNIFER ANISTON's ex, BRAD PITT, has married maneater ANGELINA JOLIE in a not-so-secret ceremony in Sarsota, Fla. The intimate event was said to be a celebration of MR. & MRS. SMITH's one-week anniversary at the top of the DVD sales charts, and, oh yeah, Pitt's adoption of Jolie's gaggle of third-world babies.

As is customary in Greek culture, Aniston will mourn the death of America's Golden Couple with 40 days of funeral games, including "favorite gay wrestling tournaments" between current title holder CHRIS MCMILLAN and other members of her fabulous coterie, FRIENDS trivia, crash Zone dieting and the ceremonial rebound-boning of VINCE VAUGHN.

It hasn't been a good month for Aniston. Her new movie DERAILED bombed at the box office and her upcoming romantic comedy offering RUMOR HAS IT... is rumored to stink worse than TOM SIZEMORE's balls. What's worse, Pitt's nuptials constitute the second Aniston-ex wedding of the week. Jen's pre-Brad boyfriend TATE DONOVAN married his anonymous girlfriend as well!

It can't be easy having your ex-husband move on with the world's most desired woman. Last year, GQ magazine released a poll that said American men believe Angelina Jolie boasts the best body, lips and sex appeal of any woman on Earth.

There, there, Jen. At least you have the best, uh, hair.

Whether Brad & Ang have actually made honest people out of one another has not been confirmed, but it has been widely reported (on trashy blogs) that it will happen some time this weekend. Brother/ex-boyfriend JAMES RAVEN will walk Jolie down the aisle, and papa JON VOIGHT and current carwreck/fuckbuddy DIANA ROSS are expected to crash in a drunken stupor.

It will be the second marriage for Pitt, the third for Jolie and the last for neither.

They're Baaaaaaack....

Well, almost.

I'm talking about LINDSAY LOHAN's boobs of course. After the box-office bomb that was Hohan's last big-screen effort (HERBIE: FULLY LOADED), the then scarily waifish tartlet realized she'd need to bring in the big guns to successfully promote her new album A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL (RAW).

So it was out with the coke (temporarily) and in with the meals (now one and a snack a day), and lo and behold, there they were again, Lindz' lady friends HALLIE & ANNIE (named for the twins she played in her remake of THE PARENT TRAP), doing it up right at the GQ MEN OF THE YEAR party.

Sure, they haven't yet returned to their full, former glory (see below RIGHT), but it's still a massive improvement from Below LEFT.

Garffleck Spawn Born. World Surprsingly Does Not End

I can't believe I was out of the country and away from the computer for the biggest news event of the year: BENNIFER GARFFLECK welcomed their first child, VIOLET ANN, into the world on Dec. 1 at 3:26 p.m, after a record 17-month pregnancy.

For a while there it seemed like the ALIAS starlet was never going to pop. Her stomach had been growing for months on end, giving way to endless picture-snapping by shutterbug tourists -- not because they were excited to see SYDNEY BRISTOW in person, but instead because they mistook her for the famed L.A. landmark the CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING.

Despite some early-labor panic attacks by Affleck (who reportedly almost garfflecked all over the delivery room when the contractions started happening), the delivery went off without a hitch. In fact, thanks to the interminable nature of Violet's gestation, the overgrown infant had matured such that she could simply walk out of Garner's birth canal, sporting - just like her parents - a STARBUCKS Venti Iced Latte in tow.

Showing that there's no hard feelings from 3,000 miles away, JENNIFER LOPEZ, the first victim of Affleck's career-killing pox, celebrated the birth of her ex's daughter with a customary smoke. (She couldn't find any "It's a Girl!" Cigars, so instead settled on a VIRGINIA SLIM, in honor of Garner's home state.)

Many have speculated that the recent pile-up of cataclysmic events (tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, Aeon Flux) were long-prophesied harbingers of the birth of the ANTICHRIST. But since life itself continued on this past week, many biblical scholars have crossed the Garffleck child off the list of potential candidates, leaving the forthcoming TOMKAT chickadee/publicity stunt (to be released day-and-date with M:I-III) as the frontrunner.

With another mouth to feed, the Garfflecks will now have to make double the Starbucks runs. So not three hours after birthing lil' Violet, workaholic Jennifer Garner was said to have strapped on her faux-pregnancy pad and requisite bright, red wig and returned to the set of her soon-to-be defunct ABC spy series, whilst Papa Affleck pulled a KEVIN FEDERLINE on the couch, smoked cigs (ashing in Violet's bassinet, natch) and watched re-runs of CELEBRITY BLACK JACK.

Garner and Affleck were married July 4th of this year. It was the first marriage for Ben, the second for Jen and the last for neither.

Thanks to JUST JARED for the above picture of Mama Jen.

El Viaje Está Dunzo!

After a whirlwind week travelling half-way around the globe, I'm happy (read: devastated) to say that I am back in my comfortable Beverly Hills abode. It went by all too quickly, was filled with far too much pan and not nearly enough sleep. Very "wham bam, thank you Pam." Today it's back to reality. The trip, as they say in SoCal and as we described everything in Spain, is DUNZO.

In the picture above, the trip's fearsome foursome walk off into the sunset, er sunrise, after an all-nighter in SEVILLA. Ah, that picture really brings me back: the snaking streets, the dew-covered cobblestones. I can almost still hear Kim complaining about her uncomfortable shoes. ADAM SACHS & KIM STRAUB were our super stylish Madrileno hosts. And boy if they aren't the First Couple of Madrid's high-fashion social scene. Every night it was another delectable (read: edible) meal followed by a rendezvous at one of the city's sexiest hot spots. Every bar we stepped into I immediately felt transformed, as though I was channeling NIP/TUCK's DR. CHRISTIAN TROY. Was it the constant inundations of chupitos or the sleek decor? Who's to know?

The entire endeavor was very THE SUN ALSO RISES - a bunch of privileged, carefree expatriots, drinking all day, smoking (though not us, Mom. Promise!) and chatting about the politics and frivolities we traveled thousands of miles to leave behind. Of course, in HEMINGWAY's novel, his characters' lackadaisical aimlessness was a result of deep-rooted wounds suffered by the culture of the first World War. I think the four of us were more the Lush Generation than the LOST GENERATION as the greatest cultural injustices we could even pretend to be escaping were the premature cancellation of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and the Birth of the GARFFLECK spawn (more on that later!)

By the banks of the GUADALQUIVIR we sipped our SANGRIA and in due course casually waxed reflective about the issues facing our society today -- namely what went wrong with JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD and why couldn't KRISTEN, STEPHEN and L.C. ever work it out. We were the spitting image of the cast of THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY -- and how DICKIE GREENLEAF and MARGE SHERWOOD are Adam and Kim?

My own personal roman a cleff of the events, TK....