Desperate Hasbeens

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. - January 11, 2006 - Live gossip unfolds right before my very eyes.

At KATANA on Sunset Wednesday night, trying to show visiting designer extraordinairre CARRIE VALENTINE a swinging good time at an actual L.A. hotspot. Little did we know that we'd be treated to some exclusive dish in the process -- and no I'm not talking about the Japanese restaurant's pricey skewers.

Sitting right across from us was DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES star EVA LONGORIA, the oft-award-show-snubbed tartlet who's become more famous for spreading her legs than her acting range.

The petite pipsqueek looked cute -- though a bit overly made up -- chilling with a spicy, group of Latina sistas, who -- SHOCKER -- were all much uglier than she. (First rule of celebrity socializing: never have a friend who's anywhere near as hot as you.) The hermanas looked like they were kicking back and enjoying a ladies' night out (apparently, just after attending the opening of a new HARRY WINSTON store in Beverly Hills), until an hombre entered the mix.

The hombre in question: MARIO LOPEZ (yes that's right ALBERT CLIFFORD SLATER) the sexaholic former star of NBC Saturday morning series SAVED BY THE BELL and NAME YOUR ADVENTURE and of course, the speedo-laden USA Network original movie BREAKING THE SURFACE: THE GREG LOUGANIS STORY. Earlier that day, gossip blogger PEREZ HILTON said the two were reported to have been spending time together. I can now confirm to the world that the two appeared to be very much kind of together.

They sat right next to each other and were making any excuse they could to touch each other. He kissed her forehead, she stroked his dimples and repetedly did her classic move -- laugh so hard that your head falls into his crotch (and then give a quick lil' bj). Speaking of her laugh, it's of Chauncey proportions. Loud, halting, obnoxious -- like the sound of a chiuaua getting raped.

The entire affair looked like Eva was introducing her new man to the girls. He was constantly trying to charm them and even declared at one point "I'm just one of the girls, right?!" But the final straw that all but confirmed they were together: each person paid for her dinner separately...EXCEPT Eva. (Cheap bitch. She's making $100 grand an episode and she can't front the bill for her own friends?) No, poor Mario (he who has to string together enough money to pay the bills by appearing on game shows like PYRAMID and BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS) had to do the chivalrous thing and pay for Longwhoria, and we all know there's only one reason he'd do that. (And it has nothing to do with finding out what's in ALFRE WOODARD's basement on Desperate Housewives.) And to add insult to injury, Longoria actually ate. A Desperate Housewives star eating? That's probably the real breaking news.

But the whole thing got me thinking. What's going on with poor TONY PARKER, Eva's ballin', long-time beau and rumored fiancee? Doesn't he care that his woman is getting some on the side -- and from one of the hosts of the man-version of THE VIEW no less!? And what is Eva thinking? We know the girl is loose, but what does she see in this hasbeen? She have a thing for acid-washed, pleated, MC Hammer jeans and SoulGlo-greased mullets?

I think the answer lies in a shared interest, namely sex. Lots of it. Lopez famously married slamming Cheetos girl ALI LANDRY only to cheat on her on their honeymoon and divorce immediately after. And it's certainly not breaking news that Longoria's had a lot of bone in her. Since last September there's been NSYNCer JC CHASEZ, "Darth Gayder" HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, TOMMY LEE, and spurned Spur TONY PARKER to name a few. Honestly, this girl has slept with so many guys, I'm hearing her vagina is THIS close to becoming an official stop on the Disney backlot tour.

I have to say, the two did look very cute with each other. And since we all know Eva is destined for Mario Lopez-like status, maybe he is the perfect fit.

After dinner, the two left together through the restaurant's back entrance while the rest of her friends stayed behind to bus the table.

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UPDATE: It was reported on PEREZ HILTON.COM Sunday that rumors are swirling that Mario Lopez is actually gay and Eva Longoria is simply his beard. (Not a complete shock, given some of Eva's questionable paramours in the past (JC, Darth Gayder).) But I think the fact that Lopez paid for her clearly indicates that they're more than friends.

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SECOND UPDATE: Who am I kidding? I've waited so long to post this story, I'm sure Eva's already banged at least 12 new guys by now. More later.