Blog Is the New Black (Allegedly)

BREAKING: Study Shows That a TV in the Bedroom Reduces Sex Life

2006-01-16T12:44:00.000-08:00

So that's why.....

Read the full article HERE to watch it all get pieced together.

Golden Globe Predix

2006-01-16T02:17:00.000-08:00

Tonight, just down the street from my apartment, the 63rd annual GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS will commence at the Beverly Hilton, marking the 63rd time the Hollywood community has gathered to get drunk and communally masturbate on live national television.

The "best party of the year" as the promos promise are more influential and famous simply for being both on TV and occurring before the Oscars than for having any real or earned legitimacy. They also always feature a cheesetastic Red Carpet montage of star arrivals set to the tune of a current pop song with the lyrics not so cleverly adjusted to feature puns about the year's movies -- always sung by "we work for food" hip hop group the BLACK EYED PEAS.

Predicting the Globes is always something of a tricky affair, because while most award shows are a popularity contest of some kind, the Globes are even more complicated in that their hosts -- the mysterious, who are they really HOLLYWOOD FOREIGN PRESS ASSOCIATION (jigga what?!) -- often pick their winners and nominees in order to appear hip. That usually means dishing out awards to the best looking stars.

With that in mind, my predictions.

MOVIES

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
THE NOMINEES: Scarlett Johansson "Match Point"; Shirley MacLaine "In Her Shoes"; Frances McDormand "North Country"; Rachel Weisz "The Constant Gardner"; Michelle Williams "Brokeback Mountain."
LIKELY WINNER: Shirley MacLaine - The Globes like to award the grand dames. (Think Meryl Streep a few years ago for "Adaptation." And just think of the loopy, reincarnation-filled speech to come! (Another criterion for Globe winners -- must give good acceptance speeches. Why else do you think they give one to Jack Nicholson every year?) Williams is the critics darling this year, and "Brokeback" has swept the Globes nominations, so her uber-acclaimed perf may help the "Dawson's Creek" sneak through. Globes also like to award the Hollywood princess, however (think Gwyneth, Kate Hudson) so Johansson has a shot. And then there's Weisz who is a lead in a supporting category.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Michelle Williams

Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture
THE NOMINEES: George Clooney "Syriana"; Matt Dillon "Crash"; Will Ferrell "The Producers"; Paul Giamatti "Cinderella Man"; Bob Hoskins "Mrs. Henderson Presents"
LIKELY WINNER: George Clooney - The Globes love to award megastars, and even tipped their hat to an undeserving Clooney five years ago for "O Brother, Where Art Thou?". Besides, this is a huge year for Clooney and they'll want to toss him at least one bone.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Matt Dillon

Best Screenplay
THE NOMINEES: "Match Point"; "Good Night, and Good Luck"; "Crash"; "Munich"; "Brokeback Mountain"
LIKELY WINNER: "Crash" - They gotta give Crash something, and this seems like the category. A real "writer's movie."
WHO SHOULD WIN: "Crash"

Best Director
THE NOMINEES: Woody Allen "Match Point"; George Clooney "Good Night, and Good Luck"; Peter Jackson "King Kong"; Ang Lee "Brokeback Mountain"; Fernando Meirelles "The Constant Gardener"; Steven Spielberg "Munich"
LIKELY WINNER: The Globes love Ang (they awarded him for "Crouching Tiger" in 2000) and they are clearly apeshit over "Brokeback." Unless they go gaga for Clooney, this should mark another victory for the gay cowboys.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Clooney or Spielberg

Best Actor in a Musical/Comedy
THE NOMINEES: Pierce Brosnan "The Matador"; Jeff Daniels "The Squid & the Whale"; Johnny Depp "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory"; Nathan Lane "The Producers"; Cillian Murphy "Breakfast on Pluto"; Joaquin Phoenix "Walk the Line"
LIKELY WINNER: Joaquin Phoenix - He's the only candidate with a real shot at an Oscar nod, and the Globes like to look like they play a role. Brosnan may be too flashy a movie star to resist. And the promise of an over-the-top acceptance speech from Lane (to match his playing-to-the-back-row performance) may be too much for the voters to resist.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Jeff Daniels

Best Actress in a Musical/Comedy
THE NOMINEES: Judi Dench "Mrs. Henderson Presents"; Keira Knightly "Pride & Prejudice"; Laura Linney "The Squid & the Whale"; Sarah Jessica Parker "The Family Stone"; Reese Witherspoon "Walk the Line"
LIKELY WINNER: Reese. She's going all the way this year. The Globes do like a surprise though, and musical/comedy is a good category to do it in. (Remember when Jamie Lee Curtis won for "True Lies"?) The Globes are obsessed with SJP -- five-time winner for "Sex and the City." And a hot young piece like Keira might just be enough to swipe that statuette right out from under Reese's pretty little Southern nose.
WHO SHOULD WIN: I haven't seen Reese, but I'm sure I love her. If not her, Laura Linney.

Best Actor in a Drama
THE NOMINEES: Russell Crowe "Cinderella Man"; Philip Seymour Hoffman "Capote"; Terrence Howard "Hustle & Flow"; Heath Ledger "Brokeback Mountain"; David Strathairn "Good Night, and Good Luck"
LIKELY WINNER: Terrence Howard - I'm going out on a bit of a limb here. This would seem to be a two-horse race between Hoffman and Ledger, who have split the critics awards this season. And while I think between the two of them, Ledger probably has the edge thanks to the revelatory nature of his performance. (Who knew the guy from "10 Things I Hate About You" was that good?!), I'm predicting a vote split in favor of Howard, this year's Cinderella story. And think of the potential acceptance speech? Sure to be of Ving Rhames/Jamie Foxx/Cuba Gooding proportions.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Anyone but Russell Crowe would make me happy.

Best Actress in a Drama
THE NOMINEES: Maria Bello "A History of Violence"; Felicity Huffman "Transamerica"; Gwyneth Paltrow "Proof"; Charlize Theron "North Country"; Ziyi Zhang "Memoirs of a Geisha"
LIKELY WINNER: Felicity Huffman - Globes love a stunt, and would love to take credit for pushing this TV starlet to movie star status.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Well, I've only seen "History of Violence," so I'll go with Maria Bello if only for her cheerleading outfit.

Best Picture Musical/Comedy
THE NOMINEES: "Mrs. Henderson Presents"; "Pride & Prejudice"; "The Producers"; "The Squid & the Whale"; "Walk the Line"
LIKELY WINNER: "Walk the Line" - Typically, the Globes wouldn't be able to resist an honest-to-goodness musical, but "The Producers" was such a dud, I don't think they can award it in good conscience. Other than "Walk the Line" -- a borderline Best Picture Oscar nominee, none of the other movies are real contenders, though the Globes might go for shock value and award period-piece "P&P."
WHO SHOULD WIN: "The Squid & the Whale"

Best Picture Drama
THE NOMINEES: "Brokeback Mountain"; "The Constant Gardener"; "Good Night, and Good Luck"; "A History of Violence"; "Match Point"
LIKELY WINNER: "Brokeback Mountain" - The Globes...they love the gays!
WHO SHOULD WIN: "Match Point"

TV

Best Supporting Actress in TV
THE NOMINEES: Candice Bergen "Boston Legal"; Camryn Manheim "Elvis"; Sandra Oh "Grey's Anatomy"; Elizabeth Perkins "Weeds"; Joanne Woodward "Empire Falls"
LIKELY WINNER: Sandra Oh - A Tough category. Candice was a constant winner in her "Murphy Brown" days and Perkins gives a career-making performance as an acid-tongued desperate housewife. But "Grey's Anatomy" is THE show, and since Emmy missed its shot to award it this fall, I feel like the Globes will like to stake their territory.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Elizabeth Perkins

Best Supporting Actor in TV
THE NOMINEES: Naveen Andrews "Lost"; Paul Newman "Empire Falls"; Jeremy Piven "Entourage"; Randy Quaid "Elvis"; Donald Sutherland "Commander in Chief"
LIKELY WINNER: Jeremy Piven
WHO SHOULD WIN: Jeremy Piven

Best Actor in a Comedy Series
THE NOMINEES: Zach Braff "Scrubs"; Steve Carrell "The Office"; Larry David "Curb Your Enthusiasm"; Jason Lee "My Name Is Earl"; Charlie Sheen "Two and a Half Men"
LIKELY WINNER: A tough race between Jason Lee & Steve Carrell. I'm going to go with Carrell though, thanks to his one-two punch of strong film and TV work thanks to "40-Year-Old Virgin."
WHO SHOULD WIN: Steve Carrell

Best Actress in a Comedy Series
THE NOMINEES: Marcia Cross "Desperate Housewives"; Teri Hatcher "Desperate Housewives"; Felicity Huffman "Desperate Housewives"; Eva Longoria "Desperate Housewives"; Mary-Louise Parker "Weeds"
LIKELY WINNER: Felicity Huffman - What a story that would make. Two Globes in one year! Marcia Cross actually deserves it, so who knows. And as the lone non-Desperate Housewives-star -- though she plays one on TV -- Mary-Louise -- another Globe fave -- could sneak in.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Marcia Cross or Mary-Louise Parker

Best Actor in a Drama Series
THE NOMINEES: Patrick Dempsey "Grey's Anatomy"; Matthew Fox "Lost"; Hugh Laurie "House"; Wentworth Miller "Prison Break"; Kiefer Sutherland "24"
LIKELY WINNER: Hugh Laurie or Patrick Dempsey - Do they go for class or the heartthrob career-comeback? Tough call.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Hugh Laurie

Best Actress in a Drama Series
THE NOMINEES: Patricia Arquette "Medium"; Glenn Close "The Shield"; Geena Davis "Commander in Chief"; Kyra Sedgwick "The Closer"; Polly Walker "Rome"
LIKELY WINNER: Geena Davis - Yeah she's a big oaf. But she's the star of the biggest new show on TV and an Oscar caliber movie actress. Liberal voters hoping for Hilary in '08 want to kick off the campaign now.
WHO SHOULD WIN: Kyra Sedgwick or Kristen Bell who shockingly isn't even nominated for "Veronica Mars."

Best Comedy Series
THE NOMINEES: "Curb Your Enthusiasm"; "Desperate Housewives"; "Entourage"; "Everybody Hates Chris"; "My Name Is Earl"; "Weeds"
LIKELY WINNER: "Everybody Hates Chris" - Housewives and Curb are so over. Weeds is too under-the-radar. My Name Is Earl is an exciting comedy, but not the sexiest choice. Entourage IS the sexiest choice, but I think Globe voters will go with the biggest story and give it to "Chris," a huge coup for the show and the little netlet that could UPN.
WHO SHOULD WIN: "Weeds"

Best Drama Series
THE NOMINEES: "Commander in Chief"; "Grey's Anatomy"; "Lost"; "Prison Break"; "Rome"
LIKELY WINNER: "Grey's Anatomy" - A tough competition with so many buzz worthy shows. The Globes like to give it to newbies which bodes well for both Grey's and Prison Break. "Lost" is such a cultural phenom though, and the Globes may not want to forget it. Still, this is the first time Grey's has been up for any significant awards, and the Globes will enjoy laying their claim to this show's success.
WHO SHOULD WIN: "Lost"

Desperate Hasbeens

2006-01-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

WEST HOLLYWOOD, CALIF. - January 11, 2006 - Live gossip unfolds right before my very eyes.

At KATANA on Sunset Wednesday night, trying to show visiting designer extraordinairre CARRIE VALENTINE a swinging good time at an actual L.A. hotspot. Little did we know that we'd be treated to some exclusive dish in the process -- and no I'm not talking about the Japanese restaurant's pricey skewers.

Sitting right across from us was DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES star EVA LONGORIA, the oft-award-show-snubbed tartlet who's become more famous for spreading her legs than her acting range.

The petite pipsqueek looked cute -- though a bit overly made up -- chilling with a spicy, group of Latina sistas, who -- SHOCKER -- were all much uglier than she. (First rule of celebrity socializing: never have a friend who's anywhere near as hot as you.) The hermanas looked like they were kicking back and enjoying a ladies' night out (apparently, just after attending the opening of a new HARRY WINSTON store in Beverly Hills), until an hombre entered the mix.

The hombre in question: MARIO LOPEZ (yes that's right ALBERT CLIFFORD SLATER) the sexaholic former star of NBC Saturday morning series SAVED BY THE BELL and NAME YOUR ADVENTURE and of course, the speedo-laden USA Network original movie BREAKING THE SURFACE: THE GREG LOUGANIS STORY. Earlier that day, gossip blogger PEREZ HILTON said the two were reported to have been spending time together. I can now confirm to the world that the two appeared to be very much kind of together.

They sat right next to each other and were making any excuse they could to touch each other. He kissed her forehead, she stroked his dimples and repetedly did her classic move -- laugh so hard that your head falls into his crotch (and then give a quick lil' bj). Speaking of her laugh, it's of Chauncey proportions. Loud, halting, obnoxious -- like the sound of a chiuaua getting raped.

The entire affair looked like Eva was introducing her new man to the girls. He was constantly trying to charm them and even declared at one point "I'm just one of the girls, right?!" But the final straw that all but confirmed they were together: each person paid for her dinner separately...EXCEPT Eva. (Cheap bitch. She's making $100 grand an episode and she can't front the bill for her own friends?) No, poor Mario (he who has to string together enough money to pay the bills by appearing on game shows like PYRAMID and BATTLE OF THE NETWORK STARS) had to do the chivalrous thing and pay for Longwhoria, and we all know there's only one reason he'd do that. (And it has nothing to do with finding out what's in ALFRE WOODARD's basement on Desperate Housewives.) And to add insult to injury, Longoria actually ate. A Desperate Housewives star eating? That's probably the real breaking news.

But the whole thing got me thinking. What's going on with poor TONY PARKER, Eva's ballin', long-time beau and rumored fiancee? Doesn't he care that his woman is getting some on the side -- and from one of the hosts of the man-version of THE VIEW no less!? And what is Eva thinking? We know the girl is loose, but what does she see in this hasbeen? She have a thing for acid-washed, pleated, MC Hammer jeans and SoulGlo-greased mullets?

I think the answer lies in a shared interest, namely sex. Lots of it. Lopez famously married slamming Cheetos girl ALI LANDRY only to cheat on her on their honeymoon and divorce immediately after. And it's certainly not breaking news that Longoria's had a lot of bone in her. Since last September there's been NSYNCer JC CHASEZ, "Darth Gayder" HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN, TOMMY LEE, and spurned Spur TONY PARKER to name a few. Honestly, this girl has slept with so many guys, I'm hearing her vagina is THIS close to becoming an official stop on the Disney backlot tour.

I have to say, the two did look very cute with each other. And since we all know Eva is destined for Mario Lopez-like status, maybe he is the perfect fit.

After dinner, the two left together through the restaurant's back entrance while the rest of her friends stayed behind to bus the table.

*****
UPDATE: It was reported on PEREZ HILTON.COM Sunday that rumors are swirling that Mario Lopez is actually gay and Eva Longoria is simply his beard. (Not a complete shock, given some of Eva's questionable paramours in the past (JC, Darth Gayder).) But I think the fact that Lopez paid for her clearly indicates that they're more than friends.

******
SECOND UPDATE: Who am I kidding? I've waited so long to post this story, I'm sure Eva's already banged at least 12 new guys by now. More later.

The Blog Is Back

2006-01-12T16:15:00.000-08:00

Consider my New Year's Resolution officially fucked.

NEW YORK - Dec. 31, 2005. While drunkenly swilling my 32nd vodka tonic at CHINA ONE (Alphabity, what!) I made a solemn promise to DAN OSSIT, my loyal readers and God that I'd be a much more persistent and diligent blogger in '06.

Well here we are today, and I don't even know what the date is. What I do know, is that I haven't blogged since THE CARVER (for those of you still aching to know, good ole JULIAN MCMAHON wasn't lying in that envelope. He said the killer was "the other doctor and the detective. It's a fucking crazy storyline." And by "fucking crazy" he meant "pure, shark-jumping shit.")

Well, today I'm turning over a new leaf. In my defense I have been busy. Last week I was working like a dog until 8 at night for the film company that shall not be named (holla to my confidentiality agreement!) and this week I was tied to the hip of handbag designer CARRIE VALENTINE as her errand boy bitch. But now it's time to get back to what I do best -- pretending to look busy at work.

Over the next two days expect a fair amount of catch up. Posts on NEW YEARS, SPAIN my trip to the CRITICS CHOICE AWARDS, my predictions for the upcoming GOLDEN GLOBE AWARDS and all the important news of the week (COLIN FARRELL porn tape, BRANGELINA baby, and maybe a thought or two on ARIEL SHARON's condition) TK!

Who is The Carver?

2005-12-20T11:44:00.000-08:00

Last week, NIP/TUCK star JULIAN MCMAHON ran into a friend of mine. Said friend naturally asked the question that's been on everyone's mind since the series came back for its middling, crapfest of a third season: "Who is the Carver?" - the serial rapist and slasher who's been plaguing Miami's nip and tucked elite and most specifically the doctors of plastic surgery practice McNamara/Troy.

Julian asked three times if he really wanted to know - to which he responded "hell yeah," - and wrote down the answer in an envelope. I'm looking at the envelope right now. It says "What Julian Said: 12/14/05." Tonight I'm going to open the envelope to find out if what he said was true.

Last year, NIP/TUCK was far and away the best, most involving, heart-wrenching, gut-punching, shocking, addicting and unpredictable show on television. This year, not so much.

While last year major revelation followed unforeseen plot twist, this year almost nothing has happened. The show has been deficient in it's "oh no they di'in't moments" and episodes have been bloated and boring. JULIAN MCMAHON's Christian Troy has become a leering, middle-aged codger, heroes Sean and Julia McNamara have been the victims of one of the worst character assassinations in TV history and the void left by the departure of FAMKE JANSSEN's super vixen, transsexual life coach Ava Moore was unsatisfyingly filled by amphibious bisexual asshole Quentin Costa. There have only been a few choice episodes this season, thanks to an appropriately dark story arc for morbidly fucked up son Matt (he went from screwing a post-op transsexual last year, to a pre-op transsexual this year, to a red-blooded honest-to-goodness teenage girl - who just happened to be a Neo-Nazi - in recent episodes). With the exception of Matt, who peppered his too few appearances with snotty little barbs worthy of AMANDA WOODWARD, this season was more "Shit/Fuck" than "Nip/Tuck."

While re-introducing us to RHONA MITRA's, you guessed it, KIT MCGRAW (a Scotland Yard-trained forensic detective fighting crime in South Beach, if you can believe it), tonight's two-hour finale promises to bring fans closure to a season-and-a-half long storyline involving THE CARVER, a serial rapist who HATES plastic surgery. Series mastermind (I use the term liberally) RYAN MURPHY has made the Carver storyline the centerpiece of this season -- well, he claims to at least. The Carver only showed up in about four episodes, and while I'm hoping his/her identity will be a real shot to the show's system, I think it's a mystery that audiences only care about because we've been told to. (Plus there's nothing else on TV this week.)

The Carver was supposed to be a one-episode stunt, but when ratings spiked, Murphy decided to bring him back for a three-episode arc at Season II's end. That gave way to stretching across the entire third season, and no doubt, into the fourth.

So who is the Carver? Head over to Vegas and you can actually place bets. Here's my list of most likely suspects.

1.) Sean McNamara - This is a bold choice, having the show's "hero" turn out to be the villain. While Sean has always been a moralistic dolt, in recent years he's become increasingly conflicted about the nature of his work as a plastic surgeon. And we all saw him go off the deep end last year when he learned that he wasn't the biological father of his son Matt. Sure Sean was a victim of the Carver, but he could've done that to himself in a schizophrenic freak out. Making Sean the grand villain would be shocking - in the best Nip/Tuck sense of the word - and bring his inner conflict with his profession -- and with the people in his life -- full circle.

2.) Ava Moore - She hasn't been around all season, but this lethal lady seems crazy enough to do this. "Beauty is a curse on the world," is the profound little phrase the Carver throws at his victims right before he slashes their face. No one's really felt this curse greater than Ava. She started off as a man, fell in love with ALEC BALDWIN, got a sex change to be with him only to realize that he could never love her knowing that she was once a man. (He even told Sean and Christian that "beauty is a curse anecdote.") In her life in Miami, she was a life coach "transforming lives," much as the Carver does. The Carver lashed out at McNamara/Troy because in fixing the faces of his victims they were "undoing his work." Well, Ava was trying to bring all of the McNamara family's issues to the surface in coaching Julia and dating Matt, but Christian and Sean and Julia constantly resisted -- again undoing her work. Also, Carver has the face of a woman but the body of a man -- lot like Ava.

3.) Christian's Father - This year, Christian met his biological mother played by KATHY BAKER. He learned that he was the product of a rape, and perhaps Daddy Troy has some unfinished buisness with his son. We've never met him, but I've heard rumblings that we might.

4.) Gina Russo - Christian's on-again-off-again, HIV-afflicted, sex-addicted lover. She hates pretty much everyone and was showing off some major animosity toward Christian's bride-to-be Kimber just moments before she was supposed to walk down the aisle --only to be abducted by the Carver.

5.) Matt McNamara - Completely fucked up upon learning that Christian was his real father. Sexually confused, increasingly angry.

6.) Julia McNamara - Julia hasn't done much with her life, but perhaps raping girls and slicing their faces was a schizo way of feeling like she's accomplished something. She always wanted to be a surgeon, but never got the chance. She's got lots of pent-up resentment for Christian and Sean. Could be.

7.) Erica Noughton - Julia's twatty mom. Seems a little incredible, but she has enough issues and certainly the snatchy disposition.

8.) Annie McNamara - Julia and Sean's 10-year-old daughter. Sure she only appears, like, once a season, but maybe this has been her way of fighting to get more screen time.

Tune in tonight to find out.

Homo on the Range

2005-12-19T14:41:00.000-08:00

Had a rather productive weekend at the movies this weekend, knocking two highly anticipated, Golden Globe-nominated films off my list. While both were OK, it's looking like I might leave 2005 without truly loving a single movie.

Saturday it was THE FAMILY STONE, this year's obligatory dysfunctional family, ensemble holiday comedy. I actually really enjoyed it (save for a slightly unbelievable note toward the end) and thought it was just the right mix of "sweet and sour." Loved DIANE KEATON (would love to see her swipe a Best Supporting Actress nod), loved RACHEL MCADAMS (quickly overtaking similarly dimpled JENNIFER GARNER in my affections), loved Coach and loved LUKE WILSON. Liked SARAH JESSICA PARKER. And of course, had to hold myself back from giving ALIAS/LOST composer MICHAEL GIACCHINO a standing ovation when his credit appeared. *** (B+)

Sunday saw BROKEBACK MOUNT-HIM, and spent the majority of the movie trying to come up with gay cowboy jokes for the blog. The movie was "eh" ultimately. Scanning the reviews today I realized how good the movie SOUNDED. On paper it seems like a really affecting, tragic love story but the movie felt devoid of the necessary passion to really make it something special. HEATH LEDGER was great and though I don't think he reached "Brando heights" as the NEW YORK TIMES claimed, he was pretty incredible. MICHELLE WILLIAMS was great, but underused. Ultimately, I didn't really get why Jake and Heath were so in love. They're relationship seemed really dull. At 2 hours and 14 minutes, the movie wasn't much more exciting either. A lot of fishing, and not in this movie's euphemistic sense. (I'm never going to look at anyone with a "fishin' buddy" again.) I find it ridiculous that no one has really reported that SOUTH PARK called this movie years ago in their episode about the Sundance Film Festival coming to South Park. CARTMAN oh so elegantly hit the nail on the head when he said that he hates independent movies, because they're all about "gay cowboys sitting around eating pudding." If you sub in "beans" for "pudding" that's essential all this movie is. A lot of sitting and a lot of sparse landscapes and lot of beans. ** 1/2 (B)

For those of you curious. SPOILER ALERT, JAKE GYLLENHAAL is the bottom.

Fucktard of the Week: Michelle Rodriguez

2005-12-19T12:29:00.000-08:00

There's something that's always rubbed me the wrong way about MICHELLE "DIESEL" RODRIGUEZ. Anyone who's seen her PUNK'D episode knows that her snotty hubris extends beyond the spicy characters she's played in GIRLFIGHT and BLUE CRUSH and into the reality of her every day life. My hatred has only been confirmed and augmented by her turn on LOST as domineering and pigheaded twat ANA-LUCIA. (Though I must admit, her flashback episode was one of the best of the season.) So it was really only a matter of time before Lost's most macho star made it to the Fucktard of the Week column.

Anyone who navigates the blogosphere no doubt heard that Diesel and fellow Lost "taily" CYNTHIA WATROS (an even more busted and shitty addition to the previously flawless ensemble) were arrested for a DUI in Hawaii a few weeks ago. (How RYAN MARTINEZ-y is her expression in that mug shot, btw? You can almost hear the surly "sirs" and "mams" coming out of her mouth.)

But today, more details about what exactly went down have gotten out. Court records reveal that Diesel was extremely "argumentative" with the police officer who pulled her over on Dec. 1, and like most self-important, belligerant drunk girls caught red-handed with a blood alcohol content of .15, let the tequila and tonics do the talking:

"I don't fucking belong here," she yelled. "Why don't you just put a gun to my head and shoot me! You've already taken my freedom! You might as well take my life too!"

Whoa there William Wallace, simmer down. Before you go all Patrick Henry, you might want to show some sensitivity to co-star JOSH HOLLOWAY -- who actually had a gun put to his head last month during a home invasion and armed robbery.

Among other drunken cliches Rodriguez spouted at the scene: willingness to demonstrate impossible feats of strength and endurance. When the police officer put her in his squad car to drive her back to the station, she reportedly said: “Just take my car and I’ll walk all the way to the North Shore [which was 10 miles away] but don’t leave me in the back of this car, papi.”

In summary, what a drunk whore.

Paramount Chief Offers J.J. Abrams a Development Deal in Shameless Play to Learn the Truth About "The Numbers."

2005-12-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

For shame, BRAD GREY! Offering up tens of millions of dollars of your company's money just to get your hands on some LOST spoilers. Sure I want to know what the Numbers mean as much as the next guy, but I go about it the old fashion way -- by trolling fan message boards and running out to Borders every time a new official Lost Magazine hits newsstands.

The LOS ANGELES TIMES reports that PARAMOUNT is aggressively pursuing a deal that would bring bespectacled fanboy pin-up J.J. ABRAMS and his BAD ROBOT PRODUCTIONS to the studio. Such a deal would mark the end of JAbrams' seven-year relationship with Disney, a union that birthed such brilliant, one-word-titled television enterprises as FELICITY, ALIAS and LOST, as well as the upcoming midseason soap WHAT ABOUT BRIAN.

No one's commenting on the exact terms of the proposed deal, but my fake sources tell me that in exchange for, like, a gazillion dollars, J.J. will produce feature film, television, video game and new media projects for the studio, as well as privately reveal to Grey exactly what THE MONSTER is, the objective of the DHARMA INITIATIVE and the true reason why FRANCIE doesn't like coffee ice cream. At press time, parties were said to be disputing a few key issues -- namely the location of Abrams' office, the size of his new staff and whether he'd reveal what's up with SLOANE's wardrobe, RAMBALDI's endgame and why no one's hair seems to grow on The Island.

Just as HOWARD STERN's recent deal with SIRIUS included the reassembling of the shock jock's radio cast and crew, it's expected that Abrams' deal would also bring the exceedingly loyal writer-director-producer's team of merry collaborators to the studio. Among talent from Abrams' troupe expected to realign with Paramount: Felicity actors KERI RUSSELL, AMANDA FOREMAN and AMY AQUINO, composer MICHAEL GIACCHINO, cinematographer MICHAEL BONVILLAIN and best friend GREG GRUNBERG. (Though sources say Paramount was hoping Disney would just keep Grunberg.)

As reported in the L.A. Times:

Grey, who this week reached an agreement to buy DreamWorks SKG, the company Spielberg co-founded in 1994, has simultaneously been wooing J.J. Abrams, these sources said. Abrams, 39, is the co-creator of two of the most high-profile shows on TV: the island mystery "Lost" and the cult favorite "Alias," both of which air on ABC.

Abrams has been based for seven years on the Burbank lot of ABC's parent company, Walt Disney Co. But for the last several months, he has been working for Paramount, where he is now editing the studio's $175-million "Mission Impossible: 3."The movie, which stars Tom Cruise and marks Abrams' feature directorial debut, has given Grey an opening. According to two sources close to the discussions, the studio chief is tempting the writer-producer-director with an all-encompassing deal to make movies, television shows and possibly even video games and take part in Internet ventures for Paramount.

Abrams' current deal with Disney, which covers only TV projects, expires in July. Disney executives know about Grey's overtures but have talked to Abrams only about extending his TV deal, not about expanding it to include feature films, according to two sources.

Abrams and his representatives are expected to make a business proposal to Paramount, Disney and other interested studios and networks early next year, sources said. That proposal could launch a bidding war among the rival media companies, including Fox and General Electric Co.'s NBC Universal, which privately have said they would jump at the chance to bring Abrams and his company into their fold.
Is it my frickin' birthday or something? ALIAS was AWESOME last night (the return of VAUGHN and SPY MOMMY?!!) and then today, the LOS ANGELES TIMES journalistically felates my personal idol J.J. ABRAMS? If only they had mentioned LAGUNA BEACH and thrown in a DAME JUDI DENCH reference (remember that obsession Sachs and Margolies?)and it might've been the best day ever!

Check out the entire article HERE.

Male-ias

2005-12-14T16:21:00.000-08:00

After his barely watched appearance on KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL last week, MICHAEL VARTAN sheepishly returns to do JENNIFER GARNER's bidding like a pussy-whipped bitch on tonight's ALIAS. And while this show's penchant for resurrecting dead spouses is growing a bit tired, the return of VAUGHN couldn't come any sooner.

Look at the picture above! It's Syd & Vaughn at the Santa Monica Pier, perhaps revisting my favorite all time Alias scene (from episode 4) in which Vaughn declares to Sydney that no matter what, "he's her ally."

Here's hoping tonight's episode -- the fall finale -- can produce similar chills.

ALIAS airs tonight at 10 p.m./9 p.m. Central only on ABC.

Chain, Chain, Chayyynnn...Chain of Foo-ood.

2005-12-14T10:31:00.000-08:00

Daaaamn, Aretha! Bitch has got to lay off the chicken fried steak.

The Queen of Soul is looking like anything but a natural woman these days. Sure Ms. Franklin was never what you'd call petite, but now the R&B crooner (who made waiters at a catered NY Oscar party run out and pick her up some KFC when she wasn't satisfied with the menu) is boasting boobs so big they require a fork-lift bra and cottage-cheese-pumped arms of MARGUERITTE PERRIN proportions.

I don't mean to poke fun, but there is something seriously wrong here. She's so fat, even her dress has cellulite. Poor thing looks like a giant sushi hand roll. But why go sleeveless, you ask? Certainly not to show off her Christmas hams, er, "guns." No, my sources tell me that the dress was not originally designed without sleeves -- they apparently just ran out of enough fabric to make them.

Heather Locklear: The Bitch Is Back

2005-12-13T15:56:00.000-08:00

...And as WAYNE & GARTH would say, "We're not worthy."

Anyone who knew me circa 7th grade (so sorry for you) surely remembers my questionably stalkerish obsession with HEATHER LOCKLEAR. Sadly, my life pretty much peaked upon meeting her at RUMSON's LA FROMAGERIE in 1994. (Specific highlight: my sister STACEY telling Heather, and I quote: "You're my biggest fan," too which the mini-skirted Queen of Mean simply stared wide-eyed Jiminy Glick-style and fiddled with the goat cheese salad on her plate.)

Just one week after THE NEW YORK DAILY NEWS reported that she and long-time husband RICHIE SAMBORA were having problems (which ironically ocurred one week after I chatted with SACHS, KIM and PAM about how miraculously happy they seemed) the 44-year-old MILF (and only actress who could ever woo me back to watching DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES) hit the town solo to prove both that she still got it (she does!) and that it was cold out (click the picture for proof).

For nostalgia's sake, below please find some highlights from the AMANDA WOODWARD lexicon of zingers:

- Count your friends, Michael... Oops, done already?

- Upon learning Jo has moved to Bosnia spur of the moment: Well she could be on the moon for all I care, she's not getting her deposit back.

- Upon learning Alison has been promoted: I don't know how you pulled this, off you dishonest, self-serving, pathetic drunk! But when I find out, I am going to cut you open like a rotten piece of fruit! (To Brooke): And you, with your paws all over my stuff, I don't know who you are, but you're dead too!"
- While visiting Alison in the hospital after she just lost her eye sight: Oh my God Allison, you're gonna want to keep this flower arrangement. You should SEE it. It's bigger than a Buick.

- On offering anything in her closet to Alison: "Feel free to borrow anything you can squeeze into."

- And the classic, Season II tirade:
I promised to make your life a living hell, and I always keep my promises. Oh, and don't bother quitting. With the report I could put in your file, you couldn't get a job bagging groceries. I'm going to do you the way you did me and when I'm done with you, all you'll be left with is that proverbial wish: that you'd never been born."

Dear Sally: This Message Will Self-Destruct in Five Seconds...

2005-12-13T15:10:00.000-08:00

The first teaser for MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III hit the other day, featuring FELICITY star/Hollywood's most underrated actress KERI RUSSELL (and Tom Cruise).

The film will, of course, mark the feature directorial debut of FELICITY/ALIAS/LOST mastermind and personal icon J.J. ABRAMS, and as a fellow blogger commented, it should be a good fit. J.J.'s always at his best when he hasn't had five seasons of a TV series to fuck his stories up.

But expect all of the typical JAbrams touchstones: starting in the middle, longing glances, melodramatic scenes set to PETER GABRIEL songs, the word "Hey," characters who open conversations with the phrase "You want to talk about it?", fraught parent-child relationships and GREG GRUNBERG

Check it out HERE

Fucktard of the Week

2005-12-10T21:49:00.000-08:00

Shitty singer MICHELLE BRANCH went ape shit the other night by going on a rampage on the fan section of her band THE WRECKERS' Web site. Come to think of it, I can never keep Michelle Branch and VANESSA CARLTON straight, so I'm not even sure if the picture at left is the right one, but that's no bother. Her outburst was so ridiculous and hateful, it was enough to warrant the creation of a new architectural pillar of this blog: FUCKTARD OF THE WEEK. Every week, I'll try and highlight some asshole saying something so absolutely, offensively fucktarded.

She signed on to the message board section in the middle of the night and started bitching about Maverick Records, annoying fans and the pressures of fame. Read below and roll your eyes:

Alright, I don't even know why I am still awake seeing as I have to be up in a few hours to feed Owen.

What I am most frustrated at, I suppose is...I pay money to keep this website up so all of you "fans" can talk about our music. Why would I want to spend the money so the majority of you can sit around and *** about us?

I understand that you are frustrated with the fact that there isn't any music for you to listen to. Don't you think Jessica and I are frustrated too?? We finished this record over a year ago and were sent on a lame ass tour we didn't want to be on. It was a horrible idea to headline a show playing music that nobody had ever heard. Maverick wanted to make a quick buck, and unfortunately, we were obligated by contract to do so. I was 5 months pregnant when we started that tour and believe me...it was the last place I wanted to be. Then I got pushed into doing a Santana song I didn't want to do (I didn't write it either, Shanks wanted me to sing it so bad, that was a bargaining tool), Maverick wouldn't let me do it unless Jess was on it so they would get "free" promotion for a record they didn't even understand or believe in for the most part. The record wasn't released because Maverick didn't want me promoting an album pregnant. they thought it would look bad to my young fans...bull.

As far as "biting the hand that feeds you".

I would give nothing more than to play music in a *** bar and fold clothes at The Gap for a living. My "being famous" has done nothing but ruin my relationship with my parents, mostly my Father and it has made me hate doing what I used to love more than life itself...playing music. I have been pushed around and now most of you see me as someone who I never really was, and most of you can't accept the plain fact that people change and grow up and I'm not the little girl you think I am. I have a family of my own now, a baby...the last thing I could imagine doing is making music. I'm fine financially (although I don't make millions contrary to popular belief.) and being a famous musician has brought nothing to my life besides strife. (Okay, I met my wonderful husband and bandmate because of it.) I have maybe written two songs in the past year. That's ridiculous. This isn't fun for me anymore. I'm sick of sucking *** to get my music heard, putting on a fake smile, and saying things that are acceptable.

On the contrary, The Wreckers album makes me very proud and excited again. It's almost like my first day at a new school. it's a fresh start. I'm finally excited to tour (although I need to find a nanny!) and I am looking forward to seeing what fans think.

You know, I CAN take the criticism. I just don't understand why I should pay for an arena for you to do it. If you are a "fan" why do you speak about Jessica and I in that way.

I never wanted to be put on a pedestal..I just wanted to make music. And believe me, many times I have thought I was going to quit. It's too much energy to pretend it's fun. You can call me a baby if you'd like, but life is too short to spend it being miserable.

This board is going to be shut down tonight. I think we all need a break. When the Wreckers album finally comes out, we'll see the ones who decided to stick around. As for the rest of you, I meant it when I said "f-off"

-M"

Separated at Birth: Maya Angelou & the Frog King?

2005-12-10T14:51:00.000-08:00

Is it just me or does beloved poet DR. MAYA ANGELOU look an awful lot like the FROG KING from the Lemmiwinks episode of SOUTH PARK, "The Death Camp of Intolerance."My Maya picture doesn't really do the side-by-side comparison justice. To watch her really frog-it out, go here to watch her read her latest Christmas poem, "Amazing Peace," on OPRAH.

Brandon Routh is "SUPER, thanks for asking"-Man

2005-12-09T14:41:00.000-08:00

Poor BRYAN SINGER...

You get sued by ONE group of 15-year-old boys for forcing them to strip naked for a shower scene and then watching uncut versions of the scene at orgies in your own home and IMMEDIATELY, you're labeled as some pervy, self-serving, sexual Machiavelli.

After that above mentioned debacle that occured during the production of APT PUPIL, the USUAL SUSPECTS director has found himself in hot water for casting, well, "the usual suspects" (read: fellow gays) in his big budget epics, most recently SUPERMAN RETURNS.

In an exclusive (and hastily reported) gossip item in RADAR MAGAZINE ONLINE, actor ALEX BURTON claims that he received his role in the original X-MEN film only after engaging in a hot tub tryst with the COLIN DUDICK-lookalike director. The non-shocker has lead many to believe that complete unknown BRANDON ROUTH may have scored the lead role in the upcoming $200 million blockbuster through similar means:

Did director Bryan Singer’s penchant for casting with the lensman in his pants influence his choice of Brandon Routh to play the Man of Steel in Superman Returns? Ever since the unknown 26-year-old actor—whose career highlights consist of a season on One Life to Live and an episode of Will & Grace—landed the part over Warner Brothers’ reported favorite Jim Caviezel,fanboy bloggers have been wondering whether the famously beefcake-friendly filmmaker’s decision had more to do with his libido than his director’s eye.

Of course, if Singer cast an object of his desire in a role, it wouldn’t be the first time. According to Alex Burton, the unknown who played Pyro in Singer’s first X-Men blockbuster, he was given the part after a hot-tub session with the director at a Hollywood party. “Bryan created that role especially for me,” says Burton, who went on to act in exactly zero films post-X-Men.

Further, some are speculating that Singer hired a closeted actor specifically to have him come out of the closet during the '06 media blitzkrieg to promote the movie.

Personally, I think it's all a preposterous rumor. For one, everyone knows that AARON STANFORD, not ALEX BURTON, played PYRO, and that Pyro didn't appear until the SECOND X-MEN feature, X2: X-MEN UNITED. (Right, Joe Venti?!) So the reporting in this story is questionable at best.

Secondly, I'll refer to my belovedly busted econ professor ERIC SCHULCZ's favorite expression: "The proof is in the pudding," which, come to think of it, is pretty gnarly given the subject matter of this story.

If Bryan Singer only likes to hire gay actors, where are they in his other movies, huh? Surely you're not suggesting that KEVIN SPACEY in THE USUAL SUSPECTS is? Well, uh, what about IAN MCKELLAN in APT... HUGH JACKMAN is most definitely not -- d'oh!.

ALAN CUMMING?

Brangelina Tie the Knot? Vaughniston to Crash Wedding to Promote DVD Release of "Wedding Crashers"?

2005-12-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

Cue the Pity Party!

Not one week after burning her wedding dress in a traditional Greek funeral pyre, it looks like JENNIFER ANISTON's ex, BRAD PITT, has married maneater ANGELINA JOLIE in a not-so-secret ceremony in Sarsota, Fla. The intimate event was said to be a celebration of MR. & MRS. SMITH's one-week anniversary at the top of the DVD sales charts, and, oh yeah, Pitt's adoption of Jolie's gaggle of third-world babies.

As is customary in Greek culture, Aniston will mourn the death of America's Golden Couple with 40 days of funeral games, including "favorite gay wrestling tournaments" between current title holder CHRIS MCMILLAN and other members of her fabulous coterie, FRIENDS trivia, crash Zone dieting and the ceremonial rebound-boning of VINCE VAUGHN.

It hasn't been a good month for Aniston. Her new movie DERAILED bombed at the box office and her upcoming romantic comedy offering RUMOR HAS IT... is rumored to stink worse than TOM SIZEMORE's balls. What's worse, Pitt's nuptials constitute the second Aniston-ex wedding of the week. Jen's pre-Brad boyfriend TATE DONOVAN married his anonymous girlfriend as well!

It can't be easy having your ex-husband move on with the world's most desired woman. Last year, GQ magazine released a poll that said American men believe Angelina Jolie boasts the best body, lips and sex appeal of any woman on Earth.

There, there, Jen. At least you have the best, uh, hair.

Whether Brad & Ang have actually made honest people out of one another has not been confirmed, but it has been widely reported (on trashy blogs) that it will happen some time this weekend. Brother/ex-boyfriend JAMES RAVEN will walk Jolie down the aisle, and papa JON VOIGHT and current carwreck/fuckbuddy DIANA ROSS are expected to crash in a drunken stupor.

It will be the second marriage for Pitt, the third for Jolie and the last for neither.

They're Baaaaaaack....

2005-12-08T16:42:00.000-08:00

Well, almost.

I'm talking about LINDSAY LOHAN's boobs of course. After the box-office bomb that was Hohan's last big-screen effort (HERBIE: FULLY LOADED), the then scarily waifish tartlet realized she'd need to bring in the big guns to successfully promote her new album A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL (RAW).

So it was out with the coke (temporarily) and in with the meals (now one and a snack a day), and lo and behold, there they were again, Lindz' lady friends HALLIE & ANNIE (named for the twins she played in her remake of THE PARENT TRAP), doing it up right at the GQ MEN OF THE YEAR party.

Sure, they haven't yet returned to their full, former glory (see below RIGHT), but it's still a massive improvement from Below LEFT.

Garffleck Spawn Born. World Surprsingly Does Not End

2005-12-08T13:18:00.000-08:00

I can't believe I was out of the country and away from the computer for the biggest news event of the year: BENNIFER GARFFLECK welcomed their first child, VIOLET ANN, into the world on Dec. 1 at 3:26 p.m, after a record 17-month pregnancy.

For a while there it seemed like the ALIAS starlet was never going to pop. Her stomach had been growing for months on end, giving way to endless picture-snapping by shutterbug tourists -- not because they were excited to see SYDNEY BRISTOW in person, but instead because they mistook her for the famed L.A. landmark the CAPITOL RECORDS BUILDING.

Despite some early-labor panic attacks by Affleck (who reportedly almost garfflecked all over the delivery room when the contractions started happening), the delivery went off without a hitch. In fact, thanks to the interminable nature of Violet's gestation, the overgrown infant had matured such that she could simply walk out of Garner's birth canal, sporting - just like her parents - a STARBUCKS Venti Iced Latte in tow.

Showing that there's no hard feelings from 3,000 miles away, JENNIFER LOPEZ, the first victim of Affleck's career-killing pox, celebrated the birth of her ex's daughter with a customary smoke. (She couldn't find any "It's a Girl!" Cigars, so instead settled on a VIRGINIA SLIM, in honor of Garner's home state.)

Many have speculated that the recent pile-up of cataclysmic events (tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes, Aeon Flux) were long-prophesied harbingers of the birth of the ANTICHRIST. But since life itself continued on this past week, many biblical scholars have crossed the Garffleck child off the list of potential candidates, leaving the forthcoming TOMKAT chickadee/publicity stunt (to be released day-and-date with M:I-III) as the frontrunner.

With another mouth to feed, the Garfflecks will now have to make double the Starbucks runs. So not three hours after birthing lil' Violet, workaholic Jennifer Garner was said to have strapped on her faux-pregnancy pad and requisite bright, red wig and returned to the set of her soon-to-be defunct ABC spy series, whilst Papa Affleck pulled a KEVIN FEDERLINE on the couch, smoked cigs (ashing in Violet's bassinet, natch) and watched re-runs of CELEBRITY BLACK JACK.

Garner and Affleck were married July 4th of this year. It was the first marriage for Ben, the second for Jen and the last for neither.

Thanks to JUST JARED for the above picture of Mama Jen.

El Viaje Está Dunzo!

2005-12-06T19:58:00.000-08:00

After a whirlwind week travelling half-way around the globe, I'm happy (read: devastated) to say that I am back in my comfortable Beverly Hills abode. It went by all too quickly, was filled with far too much pan and not nearly enough sleep. Very "wham bam, thank you Pam." Today it's back to reality. The trip, as they say in SoCal and as we described everything in Spain, is DUNZO.

In the picture above, the trip's fearsome foursome walk off into the sunset, er sunrise, after an all-nighter in SEVILLA. Ah, that picture really brings me back: the snaking streets, the dew-covered cobblestones. I can almost still hear Kim complaining about her uncomfortable shoes. ADAM SACHS & KIM STRAUB were our super stylish Madrileno hosts. And boy if they aren't the First Couple of Madrid's high-fashion social scene. Every night it was another delectable (read: edible) meal followed by a rendezvous at one of the city's sexiest hot spots. Every bar we stepped into I immediately felt transformed, as though I was channeling NIP/TUCK's DR. CHRISTIAN TROY. Was it the constant inundations of chupitos or the sleek decor? Who's to know?

The entire endeavor was very THE SUN ALSO RISES - a bunch of privileged, carefree expatriots, drinking all day, smoking (though not us, Mom. Promise!) and chatting about the politics and frivolities we traveled thousands of miles to leave behind. Of course, in HEMINGWAY's novel, his characters' lackadaisical aimlessness was a result of deep-rooted wounds suffered by the culture of the first World War. I think the four of us were more the Lush Generation than the LOST GENERATION as the greatest cultural injustices we could even pretend to be escaping were the premature cancellation of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and the Birth of the GARFFLECK spawn (more on that later!)

By the banks of the GUADALQUIVIR we sipped our SANGRIA and in due course casually waxed reflective about the issues facing our society today -- namely what went wrong with JIMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD and why couldn't KRISTEN, STEPHEN and L.C. ever work it out. We were the spitting image of the cast of THE TALENTED MR. RIPLEY -- and how DICKIE GREENLEAF and MARGE SHERWOOD are Adam and Kim?

My own personal roman a cleff of the events, TK....

Me Voy Para España

2005-11-27T09:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight I'm heading off for a one-week, whirlwind rehash of SWEET BRIAR COLLEGE'S JUNIOR YEAR IN SPAIN program. There will be lots of deja vus, siestas, awkward reunions with disinterested señoras, and pork by the ton. The discotecas will blast Funky Kool tunes and the Guadalquivir will flow with Red Bull and vodka.

Hopefully this much deserved trip, well -- er, let's just say "trip," will once again give me an excuse to make the face AT RIGHT. Just hopefully not too many people will be forced to see it.

Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey Split. Simpson Now Officially Free to Bang Every Reality Star on MTV.

2005-11-24T10:06:00.000-08:00

Her next conquest: ANDY MILONAKIS.

After NICK LACHEY, JOHNNY KNOXVILLE and BAM, it only seems appropriate.

OK, those of you who've been paying attention may recognize this post from Oct. 5. That's when I first reported that the famous Newlyweds would be splitting up, via a cover story in US WEEKLY. Well, it turned out the unhappy couple decided to stick it out a bit longer. Late Wednesday, in a joint statement, the couple said:

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways. This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

Conveniently, the statement was released just hours before Thanksgiving, with evil PR mastermind PAPA JOE SIMPSON hoping for the news to fall on deaf ears as the gossip rags and entertainment shows were off as the American public stuffed itself JASON DAVIS-style on Turkey Day. (Thank God for blogs!) Nevertheless, news of the long-in-the-making split comes as the biggest shock to celebrity gossip since TOM CRUISE stuck it in KATIE, er KATE HOLMES.

The SIMPSON clan (the Baptist singers, not the animated family) had long heatedly denied the allegations of faltering fidelity, claiming that the NEWLYWEDS stars' love for each other was as real as the vocals at a live ASHLEE SIMPSON concert. PAPA JOE SIMPSON would know -- he sleeps in between them every night.

JESSICA has never believed what she reads in the papers, mostly because she can't understand them.

Whatever turns out to be true there's no denying that in this Nick & Jessica Christmas Card, poor Nick looks absolutely miserable. It's as if Jessica's svengali-like dad is standing just off-camera with a bat or something.

If the divorce does go through, it's expected for Jessica to continue singing and porking every man in sight. Lachey will be immediately forgotten.

I think we all know what JENNIFER ANISTON is thankful for this Thanksgiving -- a new celebrity divorce to take the heat off.

ALIAS to Go the Way of Vaughn, Danny, Noah and Pretty Much Every Guy Sydney Has Ever Boinked

2005-11-22T19:02:00.000-08:00

R.I.P. ALIAS.

That's what I'm hearing from my top-level entertainment industry sources, the same sources who correctly informed me that Alias would be moving to Wednesdays at 10 p.m. just a few weeks ago.

If what they're saying is right -- and let's be honest, you didn't need to be MILO RAMBALDI to see this coming -- the ABC spy series will not be renewed for a sixth season.

Sometimes the truth hurts...

It's sad, but appropriate. The show never grew into the blockbuster hit the network had hoped (and now thanks to hits like Lost, Desperate Housewives and Grey's Anatomy, now demands) and on a creative level, the show has simply fallen from grace.

With no more need to kowtow to network execs hoping for another season renewal, I hope the creative minds at Alias will make like JACK BRISTOW and completely ignore standard protocol for the sake of the mission: to end the series on a satisfying note for all the fans that stuck by it these past five years and to return the series to the glory of its peerless first two seasons (the first 35 episodes of which, I firmly believe are the greatest 35 episodes of serialized television ever).

So, what do we hope to get from the last batch of episodes?

Well, I've always felt that the series should always end with Sydney having a child of her own. Check! Good job guys, you're on the right track.

Bring Sydney's relationship with her father back to the fore front. We've seriously been missing on VICTOR GARBER this season.

SLOANE is never better than when he's slated as Sydney's arch nemesis. Make their animosity a central conflict of the series' final episodes.

Wake Sydney's half-spy-sis NADIA out of her coma so that we can be treated to the all-out, long-prophecied, Passenger v. Chosen One duel we've been promised for two seasons.

Return to RAMBALDI. Enough of this Prophet Five garbage. Connect it to the show's central mythology once and for all. That Big, Red Ball disaster of the Season IV finale could not have been Rambaldi's ultimate endgame. What was Sydney really chosen for? And what about her child? Let's come face-to-face with the big guy's grand design -- and perhaps the man himself -- in the final episodes.

Minimize the newbies -- now that you know there won't be a spin-off, no need to waste time developing RACHEL, TOM or RENEE.

Bring back ANGELA BASSETT, DIRECTOR KENDALL, ISABELLA ROSSELLINI, and WILL (God knows BRADLEY COOPER's gonna need the work). We miss these guys!

Have one of Sydney's parents die. It's time for one of them to make the ultimate sacrifice. (I'd love to see an Oedipal clash between Irina and Sydney, but I doubt that will ever happen.)

Make Sydney leave the spy biz by series end and set her up as an English teacher, just as she always wanted. And make the last line of the show "My name is Sydney," or "I'm Sydney." No more aliases, just her. It's the only logical way to go.

I don't care if you bring MICHAEL VARTAN and VAUGHN back or not. I sense the fans really want him back, but resurrecting him like you've done for a gillion other characters feels a little cheap to me. Whatever you do, just make sure that we get a satisfying bit of closure to their relationship that is as hopeful as it is satisfying.

I don't care what you have to do. Get LENA OLIN back for AT LEAST four episodes. IRINA DEREVKO stands as one of the most unfulfilled promises of this series. I know that's greatly Lena's fault, but come on. Fire all the new actors if you need to to pay for her salary and bring her back -- the conflict, the mystery, the shifting allegiances, the cold stares, and the triceps.

And finally, most importantly -- J.J. ABRAMS please come back to write the finale. I know you're super busy with Tom and Keri directing MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III. But by the time it comes to write this finale -- early March -- principal photography will be done and you'll be well on your way through editing. You conceived, wrote, cast, shot and edited the two-hour LOST pilot in, like two months. You've worked on an impossible, marathon TV schedule for seven years, I'm sure you can work up the energy and find the time to bang out the final episode. Fact of the matter is, no one writes these characters, balances the tone, or hits the notes of this series better than J.J. Just look at the episodes he's written -- the Pilot, "Almost 30 Years," "Phase One." Even in lackluster seasons, the episodes he wrote were bar none, the best of the year.

Please, J.J. Come back home and make things right. Don't leave us with Sydney's dew-eyed, about-to-cry expression (see left) for the rest of our days.

(NOTE: SINCE THIS HAS YET TO BE CONFIRMED BY ABC, TAKE THE NEWS WITH A GRAIN OF SALT. I WILL SAY, HOWEVER, THAT ALL SIMILAR AND RELATED INFO FROM MY INDUSTRY DEEP THROAT HAS BEEN ACCURATE, AND WITH THE SHOW'S DIPPING RATINGS, IT DOES SEEM LIKE THE WRITING'S ON THE WALL.)

Hypocrisy Alert: Catherine Zeta-Jones

2005-11-22T09:59:00.000-08:00

Twatty, Welsh-born movie star CATHERINE ZETA-JONES has confessed that she is not a fan of Thanksgiving. Zeta-Jones, 45, er 36, I mean 36 (THE SAME AGE AS MARILYN WHEN SHE WAS FOUND IN THE NUDE!) told LIFE STYLE EXTRA that her aversion to the American holiday stems from her hatred of the fest's principle dish: turkey.

"They make me feel ill. They're ugly, clammy, cold and flabby. I just won't go near them," she says. "They terrify me. I hate all the folds of pimpled flesh and the disgusting grey wrinkles around their legs."

Hmmmmmm....curious. Foldy, pimpled flesh and grey wrinkles never kept her away from hubby MICHAEL DOUGLAS or his saggy, old-man balls.

Bar Mitzvah: Redux

2005-11-20T19:09:00.000-08:00

One year ago today, 828 was momentarily transformed into TEMPLE BETH SIMPSON and played host to the Second Bar Mitzvah of ADAM SACHS and ROB LUCHOW. It was a party for the ages. At least, that's how I choose to remember it. It's one of the best things about getting faced off Manechevitz -- you can choose to remember things however you want.

Pictured above, STEVEN HASDAY channelling inappropriately inebriated Bar Mitzvah staple UNCLE MORRIE, KIM STRAUB as the over-made-up tween trying to look grown up by packing on the blush, Bar Mitzvah boys ADAM SACHS and ROB LUCHOW; NIKKI MACRINI as a life-of-the-party Bar Mitzvah Dancer and CHAUNCEY as her Kabbalist counterpart.

We danced the horah, signed the sign board, blessed the challah, and listened to (too much) Bar Mitzvah music from the '95-'96 era. It was a Jewtastic explosion -- so much so that when former roommate RICHARD KIM walked in the door midway through the blessing over the wine, he immediately turned in the other direction and walked back out the door.

Below, a few select memories to get that nostalgia chill going as we move into the Holidays - Nostalgia Central:
Meet the Bar Mitzvah Boys with Rabbi Must officiating.Kabbalist Bar Mitzvah Dancer Chauncey and Sachs examine the Ghetto Sign BoardThe Candle Light Ceremony - written by me, NIKKI MACRINI and KIM STRAUB was a smash. Below, a selection:

Candle #2: RYAN MARTINEZ, what can I say?
Does It really matter, he's probably high now on yay.
Hossin spends his time at his computer all day
Playing poker and blackjack, just throwing his money away
In Engel's words, Davidson's got the best life.
In grad schoo, a Beamer and Pines as his wife.
Treichel used to be belligerant, now he's tame.
Levi's such an Old Man, it's just so lame.
Lotz listens to his "you're the best tape" every night.
It's a wonder anyone in this house doesn't get in a fight.
Whenever I hear that I've got an IM, I always know that it's coming from Glick-man
I want to call up each and every housemate
Candlue number two is for the guys of 828.

Candle #3 - Freshman year was where it all began
And I owe my great time to this guy, he's the man
I know now for sure, that our meeting was fate.
I'm talking about my freshman year roommate.
All that year, on Nutella he fed
Everybody can't help but love Ted
I'm glad he's here on this special Day.
This one's for you, Ted. Come on up. HEEEEEEEEEEY.....

La Luch returns WASCH's enthusiastic "Mazel Tov."

E . Schor rocks out on the inflatable guitar -- the classic Bar Mitzvah swag item.

Everyone knows, it's the music that determines the all-out garrish quality of a Bar Mitzvah. So it was up to us to come up with the ultimate playlist to set the tone -- a pitch-perfect alchemy of Hava Nagila and cacophonous post-grunge/pre-Boy Band pop of the mid-'90s. And there was only one man with the necessary awful taste to do so:

Above, Bar Mitzvah dancers PAM GALLAGHER and CHAUNCEY boogie down. A sample of the playlist, below:

"Come Baby Come" by K7
"Mony Mony" by Billy Idol
"Jesse's Girl" by Rick Springfield
"Only the Good Die Young" by Billy Joel
"That's What Friends Are For" by Dionne Warwick
"Walking on Broken Glass" by Annie Lennox
"Get Out of My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean
"Escapade" by Janet Jackson
"Jump" by Kriss Kross
"Waterfalls" by TLC
"Eternal Flame" by the Bangles
"Kiss from a Rose" by Seal

Hasday, apparently wasn't the biggest fan of the playlist. It drove him to drink. And drink and drink. Within two hours, Uncle Morrie had actually killed Hasday:

New blog game. It's called "Count the Disgusting Sachs Faces." I think it's going to be a career-maker. A bigger hit-grabber than that pop-up "Shoot the Monkey" game. OK...BEGIN:

Sachs, Luchow and LUPO, a few minutes after the candle lights and toasts -- Adam looks like he's about to Manischewitz all over the floor.

Adam and "luckiest lady at the party" Kim slow dance to ALL-4-ONE's "I SWEAR." Look closely and you'll notice that Kim has her eyes closed during this interaction, lest SHE Manischewitz all over the floor.

And of course, the piece de resistance -- the picture that almost destroyed my camera. I've gotten some e-mails from BLOGGER asking me to take down this picture, just in case some wayward kids stumble upon this site and are forced to go into massive therapy.

Happy Birthday Adam & Rob!

Looks Like My Parents Have Beach-Front Property

2005-11-18T19:00:00.000-08:00

Or: "OH SHIT! Global Warming Fucks Jersey. Bon Jovi's Elements Club a future casualty of local flooding."

Who are we kidding -- Elements will be closed way before the coming floods hit -- most likely within the next five minutes. But all kidding aside, I've always wanted to live on the beach, and it looks like within the next 100 years, my parents house on RUMSON's BUENA VISTA AVENUE just might fit the bill.

And I thought I'd be submerged under water via an apocalyptic flood on the West Coast. Looks like we're going to screwed no matter which coast we choose to settle on.

From the AP:

PRINCETON, N.J. Nov 17, 2005 — Rising seas caused by global warming and other factors will have dire consequences for New Jersey, submerging sections of the state's highly developed coastline by the end of the century, according to a report released Wednesday by Princeton University.

The Atlantic Ocean, swollen by melting ice caps, could rise by up to 4 feet by the year 2100, moving the coastline 480 feet inland in a worst-case scenario, according to the study co-authored by Michael Oppenheimer, a professor of geosciences and international affairs at the university's Woodrow Wilson School of Public and International Affairs.

That, in turn, would open the door for so-called 100-year floods occurring every five years, according to "Future Sea Level Rise and the New Jersey Coast," an 81-page report that forecasts an ominous future for the shore.

"We see very high vulnerability on the Jersey coast," Oppenheimer said Wednesday. "These things are not going to happen tomorrow. It gradually unfolds over the course of the 21st century. But we will be spending ever-increasing amounts defending the coast."

Read the whole article HERE courtesy of ABC NEWS.

Wow, Agent Boobs McPhee is Hah-aht

2005-11-18T17:15:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, thus far I haven't been the biggest fan of ALIAS's new recruit RACHEL NICHOLS. She's come off as a bit cold and bland, and quite frankly, it's really hard to expect to capture lightning in a bottle (a la JENNIFER GARNER) twice.

These new pictures are forcing me to rethink that earlier condemnation. Web site TELEVISION WITHOUT PITY has aptly nicknamed Nichols' character RACHEL GIBSON "Boobs McPhee," a reference to the plethora of gratuitous boob shots Alias honchos have thrown in since her introduction. As these pictures show, the moniker is more than appropriate.

Chauncey Gets Fan Mail

2005-11-16T14:15:00.000-08:00

Wow, people actually read this shit?!

I got an e-mail a few weeks back from SARAH, a New York-based reader in "the biz." (I KNEW this would become an industry must-read!) Sarah used to work with ADAM SACHS at SONY PICTURES CLASSICS and we met in Summer '04 at the premiere of SHE HATE ME, which, for my money, ranks as one of the worst movies I think I've ever seen.

The party was also one of the sadder fetes I've been to -- and that includes all of those intricately planned 828 events last year that only 11 people attended. I guess the premiere was sponsered by TANQUERAY or something, because that was the only thing you could get for free. BUT, in order to drink for free you needed one of those extra exclusive "drink bracelets." You know, those neon pieces of shit you have to wear at 18-and-over nights at Bridge & Tunnel clubs? The only thing sadder than watching SPIKE LEE have to schmooze after screening that steaming turd of a movie, was watching him hand out the drink bracelets to STAR JONE, JESSE JACKSON and other members of Manhattan's black gliteratti like he was the risk management captain at a frat party in some guy's basement.

Anyway, Sarah was upset about my lack of posting. In an e-mail she wrote:

We need to talk about your lack of updating...how am I supposed to look like I am working when I don't have random websites to visit periodically? I barely know you and I feel the need to tell you that I am disappointed in this lull of posting.

I apologize for my laziness, but I'm hoping to get back on the wagon!

The Newest Hollywood Trend

2005-11-16T14:00:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of THE HOLLYWOOD RAG.

Mr. Davis, Your Table(s) Are Ready...

2005-11-15T12:41:00.000-08:00

Last night we celebrated ROB LUCHOW's 23rd birthday. And where better to celebrate the birth of Chow than at MR. CHOW'S, the famed Chinese eatery in Beverly Hills? Long considered a nexus of celeb-spotting and elbow-rubbing, last night it did not disappoint. (Even if the size of its delicious portions did.)

We sat right across from the veritably mummified crooner TONY BENNETT. Also sitting close by, BATMAN himself, MICHAEL KEATON, dining with a to-be-expected younger blonde with requisite slammin' bod. Now it's not uncommon for people to leave a Chinese restaurant smelling less than fresh, but Mr. Keaton was apparently more oderous than the restaurant's aptly named pungent chicken. HASDAY got a whiff as he walked past us at the bar and was smashed with an olfactory disaster of Hiroshima proportions. "Musky, old-man smell," according to Hasday. I did hear it got awful stuffy in that bat suit.

The real treat was something of a reunion actually. We were standing by the bar and all of a sudden, I felt the ground start to shake a little bit. My sternum was reverberating, ever so subtly, as though I were standing next to a sub woofer. I look over to the drinks on the bar and - sure enough - concentric circles were rippling through all the over-priced libations at three-second intervals. When I turned to look who was coming through the door, I realized I should have known: JASON DAVIS, ginormous oil heir and brother of much thinner Davises ALEX and BRANDON.

I said, "Hey, there's Jason Davis at the door," and Hasday very astutely replied "and at the bar...and the coat check...and the dining room." He was right. The guy's big enough to warrant his own personal area code. (I hear it's 328.)

Jason Davis and I first met many moons ago at STAGEDOOR MANOR, when he was just a little, husky-voiced, fat kid. (See picture, at left, circa 1998.) He was the biggest little terror the camp had ever seen -- and this is a camp that had to wrangle party girl BIJOU PHILLIPS, mind you -- and everyone rolled their eyes and sighed "Oh....Jason!" every time he'd walk into the room. Every other day he'd receive a massive care package stocked with the latest Batman action figures and British-import candies. Rumor has it, his parents had to pay an extra $3,000 tuition just to reserve another room in which to stuff all of Jason's goodies.

Flash forward ten years or so and I see that Jason is all grown up. No longer the little, husky-voiced, fat kid he's blossomed into a tall, husky-voiced fat man. On his arm, a hot blonde, the must-have accessory for all overweight billionaires, and a frosted-haired sidekick.

His party was seated immediately and ordering happened almost instantaneously. "Ricardo," Jason snapped, "We're ready." No shock there -- this kid was BORN ready...to eat, that is. The waiter presented the menu, Jason gave it a quick once over and then simply said "OK." Both Ricardo and I stared perplexed at first, until we both realized that when he said "OK," he meant, OK I'll take it all. As in the entire menu. Typically, the Mr. Chow waiters open up their schpiel with "You're going to be sharing everything you order tonight." To which Jason no doubt responded, "Bitch, please..." The only thing that boy was sharing was personal space -- since his massive circumference put him in everyone else's.

The highlight of the evening by far -- besides, of course, spending time with the Luch on his special day -- was watching J.Dave try to get up from the table after his meal. He was seated at a cushy, wrap-around booth and while his dining counterparts had no trouble slipping out -- in fact, they were out the door before his belly even crossed the threshold of the table top -- he had to wiggle, contort, suck-in and reposition in a folly-filled effort to make it out without knocking over the table. It was a 90-second affair that involved so many body contortions and uncomfortable facial expressions that it more closely resembled a competitive game of TWISTER than a graceful restaurant exit.

"Mmmmmm....me hungry." Jason Davis inspects his date for any remnant crumbs he could lick off to hold him over until they get to the concession stand at the MTV Movie Awards.

Sarah Silverman: Jewess of the Month

2005-11-14T17:25:00.000-08:00

Everyone's favorite naughty girl SARAH SILVERMAN is making the PR rounds in support of her new concert film JESUS IS MAGIC -- a title that will hopefully reel in some unsuspecting Christians on opening weekend and produce the PASSION OF THE CHRIST-type box office numbers JIMMY KIMMEL's main squeeze so deserves.

A new article in SLATE very aptly dissects the genius behind her post-political-correct era humor. Below, an excerpt:

IRONY MAIDEN
How Sarah Silverman Is Raping American Comedy
by Sam Anderson

It's fitting that the comedian Sarah Silverman's impending cultural
moment—high-profile film, ongoing miniscandal, TV series in the making—is going to coincide with serious public moralizing about the sexual orientation of penguins. Silverman's work is a natural byproduct of the high-stakes game of contemporary American identity politics—the emotionally volatile generalizing about our moral right to generalize. But she's not just a critic of PC culture: She's a connoisseur. She handles the complex algorithms of taboo—who's allowed to joke about what, to whom, using what terminology—with instant precision: "Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and then the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people that believe it was the blacks." (The joke exposes not the ancient perfidy of any particular race but the absurdity of blaming entire races for anything.) Her best jokes are thought experiments in the internal logic of political correctness: "I want to get an abortion, but my boyfriend and I are having trouble conceiving." A Playboy interviewer, probing for something salacious, once asked Silverman if she had a nickname for her vagina. She answered "Faggot"—a throwaway joke that manages to kink sexual identity into such an ingenious pretzel it could fuel a doctoral dissertation.
To Read the entire article CLICK HERE

(Laguna) Beached on the Couch

2005-11-12T22:35:00.000-08:00

Today I made an awful mistake. At 3:30 p.m. I sat down on the couch and happened to catch an episode of LAGUNA BEACH. I'd never seen this pop culture phenomenon, and I'm embarrassed to say I wish I had been on to it from the beginning.

Needless to say, I haven't left the couch since. It's currently 10:30 p.m. and I've got three more episodes until I've completed the second season marathon. (The one-hour, commerical-free finale airs MONDAY at 10 on MTV.) I've also fallen incredibly smitten for KRISTIN CAVALLERI, the show's mildly trampy but irresistable social climbing mastermind. She's got the kind of appeal that all top-tier high school girls have -- hot and knows it, so bad for you, but oh so good.

In other news, I could barely walk down the street today because KIMBERLY STEWART was shopping and hordes of paparazzi were on her tail. Also bumped into MAROON 5's ADAM LEVINE walking out of THE IVY.

Fear Is a Path to the Dark Side

2005-11-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the success of STAR WARS: EPISODE III--REVENGE OF THE SITH, there's nothing sexier this year than THE DARK SIDE.

Unless you're talking to MARGUERITTE PERRIN, star of Wednesday's two-part episode of the FOX reality series TRADING SPOUSES. Note that I said talking TO Margueritte and not ABOUT Margueritte. Because when it comes to half-ton, stark, raving mad Christian fundamentalists, it's rarely appropriate to even think the word "sexy."

The world watched in simultaneous horror and snarky glee as the uber-devout Jesus freak flipped a shit of all-out Biblical proportions. In the episode, she traded families with a lovely, astrologer. While the Perrin family lovingly took in the astrologer (as any good Christian would), Margueritte spent the weeks at her new home prostelatizing and calling her new kids pagans.

Upon her return, the self-proclaimed "Warrior of God" went all "Book of Revelations" on her family's collective asses for letting that astrologer and her "dark-sided" ways into their home.

As a reward for participating in the show, each family is awarded $50,000, to be allocated as the "guest mother" sees fit. But when big, ole Margueritte returned home -- she of the Christmas-Ham-for-arms persuasion -- the buck-toothed Church groupie tore up her check, saying she wanted nothing spawned from that non-Christian gargoyle. To see how this 6.5-minute canipition unfolded -- replete with Margueritte kicking all dark-sided and non-Christian crew members out of her house -- CLICK HERE for a video of the insanity courtesy of MALCONTENT -- and see just how much of a fat crazy bitch this woman is.

Even more so than WIFE SWAP's "FLOWERS & SAUSAGES BOY," the TRADING SPOUSES LADY has swept through the blogosphere, garnering posts in numbers usually reserved for JESSE METCALFE-is-gay rumors. JUST JARED has posted a song featuring Margueritte's rant as lyrics, "EVERYTHING IS UNGODLY" (download HERE ) And DLISTED has an interview with the whirling dervish, that indicates -- God-willing :) -- that she may have her own series in her future. As she would say, "In Jesus' name...I PRAY!", the best damn reality TV catch phrase since "You're Fired!"

The Catholic Church is already working double-time to mitigate the backlash, with archbishops nationwide calling Margueritte's rampage the worst PR disaster for the Church since the sex abuse controversy. But while most of the world watched on in horror, we hear that newly sapphic SEX AND THE CITY star CYNTHIA NIXON called up FOX publicity to get this lady's digits. Look at the comparison between Margueritte and Cynthia's gf. Lady's got a type.

Arrested Development Yanked from the Air. Atheists Everywhere Say, "We Told You So!"

2005-11-10T14:26:00.000-08:00

Talk about a douche chill.

VARIETY is reporting that FOX has officially cut TV's best series ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT's season order from 22 episodes to 13, a sign of the show's imminent cancellation. The news has sent shockwaves -- well that might be a touch hyperbolic, make that "we-kinda-saw-it-coming"-waves -- throughout Hollywood, and has given atheists worldwide the ammunition to prove once and for all that there is no God.

But the show's religious fans -- all six of them -- say that the disappointing news has only confirmed their faith in the word of the Bible. Paired with Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami disaster, the Indian earthquake, the bird flu and the coming birth of the TOM CRUISE-KATIE HOLMES spawn, the news of Arrested's pending cancellation seems to indicate that ARMAGEDDON is well on its way and that the prophecies of the BOOK OF REVELATIONS
are indeed true.

After a month-long hiatus, the Emmy-winning comedy series returned Monday with a hilarious one-hour episode, watched by only a scant 4 million viewers. As a result, FOX has opted to pull the show from November sweeps. The final episodes episodes are slated the begin airing in December.

Even worse news for ALIAS alum BRADLEY COOPER and his new sitcom KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL, which until recently, aired after Arrested on Monday nights. After just three airings, FOX has declined to give the show a full-season pick-up. The two remaining epsiodes - one featuring MICHAEL VARTAN - will air along with Arrested next month.

Mein Favorite Ad

2005-11-09T12:31:00.000-08:00

Thanks to BRET SLATER for cluing me in to PLAYBOY MAGAZINE's aggressive and brilliant German ad campaign. Always ones to bush the envelope, Hef's House has found a clever new use for moisture-sensitive paper. Above, the BEFORE and now, the AFTER, post-rain storm:

CELEB SIGHTINGS: Return of the Moldy Towel

2005-11-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

First off, I just want to apologize for the lack of posting. A (brief) increase in workload paired with a weeklong cold wore me down. Besides, save for all those indictments, a Supreme Court nomination, a bird flu epidemic and that ASHLEE SIMPSON drunk video, nothing really happened, right?

But I return to you now with a CELEBRITY SIGHTING REPORT:

It appears I have a stalker! Last night, ran into KIRSTEN DUNST at THE GROVE. (You may recall our last encounter at the ROOSEVELT, where she showed up with greased down hair and an extra-large Patagonia, looking very much like a moldy towel.) Well, now I've since seen the perennially tipsy starlet all over the place, leading me to one conclusion: She just can't get enough.

After seeing her by the fountain, I realized she was following me right into the movie theatre. We then both went up to the automatic ticket teller machines at the same time, and she peered over as I selected two tickets for JARHEAD, the new Desert Storm movie starring her on-again/off-again boyfriend JAKE GYLLENHAL.
HASDAY and I were the first ones inside the theatre, but just minutes later - lo and behold - there she was again. The so-called KIRSTEN DRUNKST -- there to see Jakey-Poo on opening night. How sweet!

Hoping to avoid a repeat of her recent piss-poor box office performance with ELIZABETHTOWN (if you haven't seen it, don't -- the movie is a two-hour and 30-minute trailer for a movie you don't want to see anyway), Drunkst bought eight tickets. (It looks like her efforts worked. The movie took in $10.5 MILLION Friday night, indicating a weekend cume in the $30-40 million range.)

I kept an eye on my stalker closely throughout the entire (and interminable) two-hour and 20-minute movie (just to make sure she didn't make any sudden moves). I thought that maybe I had missed some key plot elements or battle scenes while I was staring at Drunkst, but I've been informed that even though I only watched about 12 frames of the movie, I still didn't miss anything -- cuz nothing happened.

Anyway, I could see that she started gritting her teeth and getting all pissy during Jakey's sex scene and giggled and pointed at the screen every time Jake threw a football and the camera had to cutaway, lest revealing that he has the athletic prowess of LISA SIMPSON. No shame, Jake. I can relate.

I will say Dunst looked significantly better than when we last ran into each other, though she does seem to be on this dress like a 46-year-old lady who works at a health food market, and has two cats look. (Not sure what that means? See pictures of MARY-KATE OLSEN for details.) She didn't look quite as bad as a moldy towel. More like wet toilet paper. Is that worse?

As for Jarhead, I don't really have much of an opinion one way or another. I really loved the first hour, but after that it just totally lost me and I found myself drifting off into the nether regions of my mind, thinking about travel plans and future ALIAS plotlines. The movie looked great (props to D.P. ROGER DEAKINS) and the entire cast was wonderful. (This pretty much marks the first time I've ever really loved Gyllenhal and JAMIE FOXX in a movie.) But ultimately, the movie just sort of lost me. I'll refer you to DAVID POLAND at THE HOT BUTTON, who did a solid job of summing up my thoughts.

I'll be back later with the return of my semi-forgotten 101 Greatest TV Characters list.

(Photo "courtesy" of PEREZHILTON.COM

The Boys Is Back

2005-10-30T13:27:00.000-08:00

OK, KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL hasn't exactly found its creative legs just yet. (And with a scant 4 million viewers, it hasn't found much of an audience either.) But if ever there were a time to give this promising sitcom a chance, it's this Monday, when the show sports an ALIAS reunion of sorts.

That's right, SYDNEY BRISTOW's boys WILL and VAUGHN are teaming up again, as JENNIFER GARNER's recently killed-off former paramour MICHAEL VARTAN guest stars as a rival French chef.

ALIAS has gotten progressively worse with both BRADLEY COOPER's and VARTAN's successive departures. Here's hoping tonight's episode will give us a taste of what we (and SYDNEY) have been missing.

King Kong Yawns; Bored with His Own Movie

2005-10-27T16:29:00.000-07:00

PETER JACKSON'S KING KONG remake doesn't come out until December, and I'm already bored by it.

According to Hollywood reporter and exaggerator extraordinaire SHARON WAXMAN's story in today's NEW YORK TIMES JACKSON has decided to increase the film's running time by 30 minutes, bringing the simian opus' total length to THREE HOURS!

Waxman reports (though erroneously, some have claimed) that the additional footage has caused the F/X-laden movie's budget to balloon to $207 MILLION - an increase of about 20 PERCENT! That's a lot of bananas! (Turns to camera, says "Hay Dios Miiiiiiiiiiiiiio.")

The news comes as a disappointment to anyone (me included) who recalls the painfully overlong final LORD OF THE RINGS installment THE RETURN OF THE KING, a film with so many endings, I'm still bored by it. The news has caused anyone who's ever seen the Lord of the Rings extended-cut DVDs to just kill themselves.

CNN media analyst MARTIN GROVE was unavailable for comment, as he was still watching The Return of the King at press time.

Apple Aggressively Promotes New Black iPod

2005-10-27T09:50:00.000-07:00

Think different? Think asshole, is more like it.

What a cheap, insensitive move on APPLE's part. The poor lady JUST died. Shouldn't we let her rest in peace, not immediately put her to work posthumously shlocking teeny-tiny mp3 players?

I'm just waiting for the 30-second, TV-spot version of this ad, requisitely scored to OUTKAST's "Rosa Parks" single.

Yahoo's Non-Headline News

2005-10-26T13:40:00.000-07:00

If you go to YAHOO.COM right now and look in their HEADLINE NEWS section, you'll notice two headlines that read more like non sequitirs.

In the top slot: "Grand jury in CIA leak case adjourns for the day"

Huh?

And then: "Research shows King Tut drank red wine"

The fuck?

I don't see how that's news, much less HEADLINE news!

Sorry just had to comment.

Madonna Hires Father of Child As Nanny

2005-10-26T10:50:00.000-07:00

Well, that's not a nice thing to do in front of the kiddies. MADONNA would surely have him put a nickel in the cuss jar (or a thousand dollars as she typically does) for such an infraction.

It looks like MADONNA's former sperm donor CARLOS LEON has moved up the staff ranks from personal trainer (a post he occupied circa 1995) to nanny.

Leon was seen escorting his and Madonna's daughter LOLA for an afternoon in a Manhattan park the other day. But also in tow -- ROCCO RITCHIE, Madonna's son with current husband GUY RITCHIE.

Is it just me, or is there something a little sad about him toting around his ex-girlfriend/boss' son. Like he really is (and always has been) "one of the help."

At least, however, above picture proves that lil' Lola (a.k.a. Madonna's own personal MINI-ME) knows she has a father, a fact that the IMMACULATE COLLECTION star seemed to be hiding by jet-setting her daughter across the globe with her new husband all these years.

New York Magazine on Retirement

2005-10-25T18:56:00.000-07:00

My alma mater NEW YORK MAGAZINE's cover story this week is on retirement, specifically on how much money you need stored away in your nest egg in order to retire today and still maintain your standard of living and spending patterns...

...Which made me think as I sit here on my unemployed ass in Beverly Hills:

How much longer does my DAD need to work in order for us both to retire today and still maintain MY standard of living -- and I guess his too.

Read the whole story HERE

Ryan Reynolds, What's Wrong With You?!

2005-10-25T14:11:00.000-07:00

I hate to be the one to take time out to break something so insignificant and so obvious, but RYAN, there is something "YOU OUGHTA KNOW-AH." Your girlfriend is butt. Ugly. Worse yet, I think you might actually be engaged. And it's "IRONIC," because you are a really good looking guy with a solid career ahead of you, and I know you could be doing so much better than this crunchy, Rhoda-esque whiner.

Dude, you should be out partying with MICHAEL VARTAN at THE STANDARD, not going to hockey games and cuddling up with fucking JOEY GLADSTONE's sloppy seconds.

AL-ANUS MORRISETTE is haggard, has a God complex (you see DOGMA?) and I'm about 85 percent sure she doesn't shave her pits. And I know this can't be one of those high-brow, "oh-I-love-her-for-her-art" relationships, because the bitch hasn't had a hit in years and has stooped to shlocking re-issued CDs at Starbucks. Not cool, man.

This is the type of nonsensical pairing that indicates some malevolent third party. And if you both are Scientologists or something, I'll accept that and let the whole thing go. (Come to think of it, I think they are Canadian. That could explain what this is all aboot.) But if you are not, let go of the woman's hand, put "ONE HAND IN YOUR POCKET" and use the other one to dial a taxi cab the fuck out of there.

I mean, did you seriously do all those BLADE III crunches to spend the rest of your life with LINDA RICHMAN???!

The similarities are uncanny, no?

Consider the "FREE RYAN" campagn officially commenced.

Thanks to JUST JARED.COM for the new Ryanis pictures.

On the next ALIAS...

2005-10-25T14:05:00.000-07:00

SYDNEY goes undercover as a fucking barge.

Thar she blows!

God Says, "Ah Hah, Hush Dat Fuss" to Rosa Parks

2005-10-25T12:01:00.000-07:00

The namesake of one of OUTKAST's first hit singles has died, prompting people around the world to posit the question, "She was still alive?"

But seriously folks, 'tis a sad day. The matriarch of the American Civil Rights movement is gone. It was always kind of cool to think that we were breathin' the same air as a person who so greatly changed history. She was a mythic figure, who walked among us. Well, hobbled among us, but you get my point.

Brace yourself for obituaries ad nauseum, op-ed pieces questioning how far we've really come and a very special episode of OPRAH in which she no doubt claims to be Rosa's best friend. (And says that she is her veritable second-coming thanks to her "oh, so very brave" defiance of the HERMES shopgirl who wouldn't let her in the store after closing time. Way to go Opes, keep the dream alive! Maybe you can get BLACK EYED PEAS to write a catchy song about you.)

The News In Brief...

2005-10-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

BUSH NOMINATES NEW FEDERAL RESERVE CHAIRMAN

Start sending your condolence letters to RFH econ teacher JOE LANZA and his perennial FED CHALLENGE pygmalion CAROLINE QUINN -- PRESIDENT BUSH announced his nomination for Federal Reserve Chairman ALAN GREENSPAN's replacement.

The nominee is senior White House economics adviser BEN BERNANKE, whom Bush previously appointed to the Fed board in 2002 and then to the position of chairman of the president's Council fo Economic Advisers in early '05. The nomination confirms once and for all that when it comes to making presidential appointments, Bush only has enough patience to look down the Oval Office hallway and pick the first person he sees.

It seems as though Wall Street is happy with choice. Stocks rose as word of Bush's announcement leaked. Analysts believe traders were thrilled that unlike with the whole HARRIET MIERS debacle, Bush chose someone with actual experience, and not merely a teller at the local LaSalle Branch as had been predicted.

Though Greenspan said he was leaving because he could no longer put up with all the agita Bush's shoddy economic policies have given him, Bush had high praise for econ-geek pin-up.

"He has shepherded our economy through its highs and its lows," Bush said, "but since I've known him, mostly through the lows."

MADONNA PLANS BROADWAY MUSICAL
In a recent interview with Canadian media, MADONNA announced that she's been tinkering away at a Broadway musical, causing New York's gay musical theatre community (read: New York's musical theatre community) to spontaneously combust with flaming anticipation. New York City Port Authority and the NYPD are already prepping to increase support for the pending opening night, which analysts say could cause the greatest influx of gay street traffic since the Republican Convention protests of August 2004.

In related news, is it me or is Madonna starting to look eerily like transvestite extraordinaire AMANDA LEPORE?

POLAND ON THE GOINGS ON AT THE L.A. TIMES
At THE HOT BUTTON, David Poland talks about THE NEW YORKER's recent piece on the LOS ANGELES TIMES and TRIBUNE COMPANY, once again very cleverly articulating the need for reconstructed business models in media distribution thanks to our increasingly interconnected, consumer savvy Internet age in which consumers have the preferences and the technological know-how to satisfy their increasingly more specified demands.

An Excerpt:

"If we decide that we are not going to cover the world ourselves, we will become a second tier paper."
And that, right there, is why the wheels will inevitably fall off of the print news system as we know it now.
There is a great and improved future out there for all forms of media, including significant, if incremental, growth. But the enemy of this future is greed and ego. I will limit myself to the entertainment side, since that is what I really know ... If the Tribune Company wanted to become the most important news media company in the world in the next year, the door is open.
Conversations about synergy have been blurred by the nightmare of it - that it is all about economies of scale and interference or even the idea that it is just about cross marketing of businesses. But there is a potential upside to synergy: Greater resources being put forth towards the achievement of quality which, in turn, leads to commercial and critical success.
Just looking at the half-dozen Tribune newspapers in the top 50 markets, the asset base is enormous. If you accumulated all of that entertainment reporting and critical talent on one Tribune supersite, it would be, undeniably, one of the most important entertainment outlets in the world from day one.

Now without effective editorial leadership, it might not thrive. And if the corporation tried to make a significant reduction in those resources across the country, the slow inevitable slide towards a new form of mediocrity would be inevitable. READ MORE...

Apocalypse Approaching?

2005-10-23T16:57:00.000-07:00

Is anyone else out there just the teensy bit concerned about the end of the world?

I used to have nightmares after watching those "COUNTDOWN TO ARMAGEDDON" specials on the DISCOVERY CHANNEL. You know, those documentaries that quoted NOSTRODAMUS and talked about prophecies about storms and famines and earthquakes striking at the turn of the millennium.

Seems a little worrisome that right on schedule we're seeing every disaster under the sun. A tsunami in South-East Asia last fall, Katrina in New Orleans, an earthquake in India that killed 50,000 people, yet another devastating hurricane heading toward Florida as we speak. Doesn't Revelations say something about all these wrath-of-God devastations signalling the arrival of the Antichrist?

The Antichrist? Coming to Earth? I wonder who it could be?

Thanks to JUSTJARED.COM for the picture.

Jennifer Aniston & Vince Vaughn -- So I Guess She Has a Type

2005-10-23T16:55:00.000-07:00

Thanks to JUSTJARED.COM for the picture.

Preppee on Portman

2005-10-23T15:44:00.000-07:00

Oh that ADAM SACHS. What a clever character.

After reading NATALIE PORTMAN'S incendiary remarks about Jew's and their materialism, Sachs was similarly disgusted by her self-hating comments.

In a statement, he said that the newly coifed skin head's "lack of hair had apparently gone to her head."

He's still got a taste for the zing!

Natalie Portman Says Jews Are Too Materialistic at Opening of New Prada Store

2005-10-23T11:35:00.000-07:00

Israeli-born actress NATALIE PORTMAN jumped on MADONNA "ESTHER" CICCONE'S anti-material girl bandwagon last week, when she said "American Jews are too materialistic" during the Red Carpet press line at the opening of a new PRADA store during FASHION WEEK.

In a phone interview with the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, Portman, who made a point of telling reporter LLOYD GROVE that she was talking to him from her new bejeweled MOTOROLA ROKR, said "I think it is something from within the community that we need to examine and be self-critical about. … Do [our young people] know or care about the outside world? Do they know or care about things other than having a nice car or a nice purse?"

She then threw her new PRADA clutch and stilettos into the trunk of her BENTLEY and drove off to her home on LONG ISLAND. Yep, nothing JAPpy about that image.

As an American Jew myself, I was personally incensed and offended by her remarks. I was so upset when I first read them, I immediately hung up my RAZR, powered up my TREO to e-mail a link of the the story to my friends, stopped off at LISA KLINE to buy a much needed pick-me-up tee and the ran home to post this item on my APPLE G-5 POWERBOOK.

Gotta run. Brunch at the BEL-AIRE.

Bark Mitzvah: The Newest Fad

2005-10-21T15:47:00.000-07:00

Thanks to ADAM for sending me this ridiculous story on the hottest, new way for Jews to waste their money. (More to follow)

From MSNBC.com

BARK-MITZVAH
Muzzle-tov! Couple holds Jewish coming of age ceremony for
dog

One Florida couple celebrated their dog's 13th birthday by holding a "bark-mitzvah." Local rabbis are not amused. Countdown's Keith Olbermann has the story.

The name might have seemed a little unusual. But otherwise, if you came across an invite to the Bar Mitzvah of a 13-year-old named Columbo Rudy in Aventura, Florida, you probably wouldn‘t have noticed anything strange. The youngster wore a gold yamaka, donned a prayer shawl, got a lot of gifts, and the party-goers ate a lot of food. I was just your average ceremony – except for the fact that Columbo Rudy is a dog.
Edie and Ed Rudy threw the coming of age celebration for their dog."The reason for it was that Columbo was adopted on Columbus Day and that‘s when we knew he turned 13. We decided to have a party and 13 would be, as a Jewish dog, a bar mitzvah," said Edie Rudy, who came up with the idea. "We couldn‘t do a bar mitzvah for a dog so we decided to do a Bark Mitzvah." The official certificate was signed by Rabbi Rex Doberman of the Congregation Beth Poodle. Ed Rudy said it was that difficult to figure out the religion of their furry friend. "Once we found out that he loved brisket and matzo ball soup we figured he must be Jewish."Though some people were not amused by the affair. One rabbi was quoted in the Miami papers saying this is a desecration of a sacred event.

The Rudys said it was just a fun way to honor their dog. They received mostly positive comments about the affair.
The Humane Society certainly enjoyed the party. The Rudys requested those giving gifts to make a donation to the organization instead.

David Poland on the Video iPod

2005-10-18T12:08:00.000-07:00

The media world was abuzz last week with APPLE's announced video iPod on which users can download and view episodes of ABC TV series like LOST and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES.

I think this is an exciting development in the media worlds slow but inevitable efforts to extract profits from niche markets by adopting distribution methods that take into account heterogenous consumer preferences. Some losers (like myself) would gladly pay the $1.99 to download an episode of TV to rewatch at their disposal, while others would prefer to just catch the free re-run next summer.

The one problem I have with the new iPod and all the hullabaloo surrounding it is that the advancement is really only an advancement in distribution -- as a gadget, the video iPod seems great irrelevant.

The good in all this: iTunes now gives hungry viewers the opportunity to save their favorite episodes on their computer. They can watch them on their computer or on their 2.5-inch-screened iPod.

The problem: Who is going to want to watch those beautiful island landscapes on LOST on such a puny little screen. You wouldn't even be able to make out the NUMBERS on THE HATCH! I'd much rather watch the downloaded episode on my 15-inch laptop screen, or plug my laptop into my 27-inch or 48-inch television and watch there.

But what if you're travelling in a car or plane and you want to catch up? Well, odds are if you're travelling long distances, you'll bring your computer, especially because you need your computer to sinc your iPod. And if you have your computer, aren't you just going to watch the episode on that bigger screen?

In essence, it seems like while the distribution via iTunes is a boon for consumers and potentially the studios, but the actual iPod itself is unnecessary.

What's missing? They shold've created a feature by which you can plug your video iPod into your television set. In doing so, the iPod would essentially act as a DVD player and allow you to easily transport your video files to the TV, computer or viewing mechanism of your choice. You can plug your iPod into a stereo, it seems crazy that you couldn't plug your video iPod into your television. Without that feature, it seems like the video iPod is all dressed up with nowhere to watch.

Over on THE HOT BUTTON, columnist DAVID POLAND has some complementary, some conflicting, but all together interesting thoughts on the subject. An excerpt below. Hit the link above for the whole article:

As we steam further into this millennium, those of us in the advantaged
culture have more options Those in the disadvantaged culture do, too… they are just a step or three behind. Just going back 10 years, choices were significantly fewer... almost beyond belief.

The difference between the DVD culture and the VHS culture is not just
purchase vs rental, but also the easy use of DVDs. There was never a NetFlix for video because videos break too easily and cost more to ship due to bulk. The next generation of DVD will be burned for you at the retailer while you wait.

In addition to Blockbuster & NetFlix, a world of DVD retailers insure
that pretty much anything that has ever been put on a DVD is available to you… if you are ambitious enough ...from anywhere in the world.

Meanwhile, on cable and satellite, there are more channels than ever, as
the major pay cable companies have multiplexed into four or five or six
services. We have Tivo and a growing distribution of DVRs to make time shifting easier. And television networks have figured out how to show their popular series for which there is really not enough space on traditional networks and local stations over and over on various owned cable networks.

Want to watch The West Wing? Watch it on NBC, watch reruns on Bravo, rent or buy it on DVD, and soon, download it to watch on your TV - not on a 2.5-inch screen - anytime you want. The future is already here. And while everyone is distracted by what gadgets to obsess on - or, in the movie game, on the lie of the big screen TV - long range strategies are bouncing around like ping pong balls in a Bingo machine.

We have endless media options now. This was not true a decade ago. And
if the next wave of thinking continues to be about how to endlessly expand revenue sources, there will be a meltdown in the media business. Overall dollars spent on filmed entertainment may expand, but the revenue for each new film or TV series will inevitably start falling off.
MORE

Today Show Adopts Daily Show Strategies to Manufacture Fake News

2005-10-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

Thanks to HASDAY for this really, really sad example of the state of American journalism. (An even more on-the-nose harbinger of its decline than the mere existence of this blog.)

THE DAILY SHOW has long poked fun at mainstream media's tactics to manufacture poignancy and profundity with a slew of hackneyed editing tricks, establishing shots and silly questions.

Below you'll find a link to a story that recently appeared on NBC's TODAY show that is the journalistic equivalent of being caught with your pants down. After watching (and wiping the pee off your seat) you'll recognize the lengths journalists will go to blow stories out of proportion, and strategies they adopt to get their ANDERSON COPPER on and look like their really reporting from the trenches.

Hit the link and check it out PLEASE: http://thepoliticalteen.net/2005/10/14/todayshow/

101 Greatest TV Characters (69-60)

2005-10-15T20:13:00.000-07:00

69. ROSE LINDSTRUM as played by Betty White (The Golden Girls, The Golden Palace) - ST. OLAF, MINN.’s dumbest blonde, this animal-loving sitcom staple had the role of her career on the beloved NBC sitcom. Proving that wisdom doesn’t always necessarily come with age, ROSE was a delightful mixture of JOEY TRIBBIANI’s innocent idiocy and PHOEBE BUFFAY’s ditzy obliviousness. When she wasn’t stuffing her face with cheesecake, she was spouting nonsensical stories about her days in provincial St. Olaf – just moments before being verbally body slammed by one of DOROTHY’s baritone put downs.

68. JACK MACFARLAND & KAREN WALKER as played by Sean Hayes and Megan Mullally (Will & Grace)- The show may have been called WILL & GRACE, but everyone knows the only reason to watch this briefly hilarious sitcoms was their over-the-top sidekicks. The world never seemed to truly understand JACK & KAREN, but they certainly understood each other. Though both were complete cartoons, Hayes' and Mullally's balls-to-the-walls performances never ceased to make us laugh, even when the scripts barely gave us reason to. Jack was the stereotypical "'mo" -- flaming, self-involved, lazy, slutty, vain and obsessed with CHER. And bi-curious, serial second-wife Karen was something of a queen herself, as though she were custom made at a gay icon factory -- ridiculously wealthy, pill-popping, consistently drunk and possessing a flare for the scatalogical put downs. (I would love to see what a luncheon at TAVERN ON THE GREEN with Karen, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT's LUCILLE and CYBILL's MARIANNE would look like.) The multi-award winning duo's bold-faced antics were always hilarious, and I look forward to the day they start popping up in OLD NAVY ads.

67. GEORGE & WEEZY JEFFERSON as played by Sherman Helmsley & Isabel Sanford (The Jeffersons, All in the Family) – When I used to watch this series in reruns back in the ‘80s, I thought it was a black, live-action version of THE JETSONS. No real reason for that, it was just that their names sounded similar and I was 7. As I grew up, however, I started to respect GEORGE & WEEZY for their true brilliance – as the hilarious and charming stars of those colorful OLD NAVY commercials. A rare spin-off character that worked (and went on to run for 10 years), George was first conceived as a black ARCHIE BUNKER – his equally racist, social climbing next-door neighbor. In his own series, George and his housekeeper wife hit it big with his franchise of dry-cleaning businesses and moved into their own “de-luxe apartment in the sky.” The Jeffersons were the first affluent African American couple on TV, and in this send-up of Upper East Side high society, they backed up their ground-breaking with blisteringly inappropriate laughs typical of the fearless, NORMAN LEAR era of TV.

66. STEWIE GRIFFIN as played by Seth MacFarlane (Family Guy) - TV's most malevolent little wiper snapper. He earned my undying affection in the pilot episode when he compared his mother's womb to a French Bastille. Based on this list, you'll see I have a certain proclivity for evil, and perhaps no other character -- certainly no other toddler character -- is as purely and unreasonably so as STEWIE. He's also a JIMINY GLICK fan, so you know he has good taste.

65. RACHEL GREENE as played by Jennifer Aniston (Friends) - Before she was MRS. EX-BRAD PITT, America's sweetheart was spoiled Long Island J.A.P. and perennial ROSS paramour RACHEL on the late-'90s' biggest sitcom. Her famous hairdo was so popular and so influential, it alone was a runner up to appear on this list. Watching Aniston mature into a seasoned comedienne over series' 10-year run was one of the great pleasures of FRIENDS. That rare sitcom star that earned the affections of both men and women, Rachel was one of the few (literal) girls next door who had just as many flaws as she had adorable affects.

64. RHODA MORGENSTERN as played by Valerie Harper (The Mary Tyler Moore Show, Rhoda) - Iconic "best friend" RHODA was the anti-girl next door. Sassy, opiniated and oh so Jewish, she brought a much needed jolt of New Yawk to middle America, and the traditional girl-power sitcom. She may not have been as cute as MARY, but she was one of TV’s first female characters to sport major ‘tude. Like all great female TV characters - SARAH JESSICA PARKER and those flower pins; CALISTA FLOCKHART and anorexia - she started her own fashion trend, those teribbly unfortunate gypsy bandanas.

63. JOEY TRIBBIANI as played by Matt LeBlanc (Friends, Joey) - TV's most loveable dolt. It's easy to write off JOEY and MATT LEBLANC as just another simple-minded TONY DANZA rip off. But after FRIENDS' heart-warming and out-of-nowhere pinnacle eighth season - in which Joey fell for a pregnant RACHEL - critics and fans started to recognize the chops LeBlanc had been sporting all along. Though Joey's composed of a bunch of single idea, easy-to-swallow, made-for-TV characteristics -- he loves food, he's a man-whore, he's dumb, he loves sandwiches -- the writers on FRIENDS knew how to play him off the other characters so as to realize the character as something of a real human being. (Writers on dreadful spinoff JOEY should take note.) As a result, Joey became one of TV's most loveable teddy bears (or in his case, Hugsies) and his catch phrase - "How you doin'?" - a classic!

62. ALEX P. KEATON as played by Michael J. Fox (Family Ties) - Now and again a television character comes along that is so perfectly emblematic of his/her era. And no character (with the exception, perhaps of WALL STREET’s GORDON GEKKO) better represented the me-me, “greed is good,” Reagan era of the ‘80s than FAMILY TIES’ ALEX P. KEATON. Ultra-conservative, dressed in a suit and constantly fawning over the WILLIAM F. BUCKLEY poster that hung above his bed, he sounds like a regular SAM TAYLOR. But Alex was actually a real charmer, and like ZACK MORRIS and FERRIS BUELLER, we loved to watch all his I LOVE THE '80s-readied hijinks. His series' cancellation was the biggest blow to Republican Party popularity since Watergate.

61. PRESIDENT JED BARTLETT as played by Martin Sheen (The West Wing) – No TV character could be more ideologically antithetical to ALEX KEATON, but Blue State dreamboat JOSIAH BARTLETT was just as charismatic. The commander in chief of AARON SORKIN’S West Wing was the ultimate wish-fulfillment president. A liberal economist turned impassioned politician, the devout Roman Catholic suffering from MS stood up for his convictions and was as quick to spout mesmerizing legal and economic liturgy as he was to recite chapter and verse. Sure politicians this articulate, steadfast and inspiring typically only exist in FRANK CAPRA movies, but that was greatly his (and the entire cast’s) function: to show viewers in our era of sound bytes and FOX NEWS that public servants can actually be moral and idealistic. Unfortunately, the show’s drastic quality nosedive after Season II prevented the character (and others) from rising any higher.

60. MR. SPOCK as played by Leonard Nimoy (Star Trek) - In retrospect I think GENE RODDENBERRY may have created this monotone, dialed down character, simply to compensate for WILLIAM SHATNER's over-the-top antics. Nevertheless, TV characters (and series) don't come more iconic than SPOCK. (Just check out that picture at left!) The highly logical #Number 2 to CAPT. KIRK gave STAR TREK and sci-fi it's first odd-couple. The half-human, half-Vulcan stickler's journey to get more in touch with his human emotions was a compelling story that STAR TREK would continue to rip-off in its many iterations. But his inclusion in the original crew of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE marked the franchise with an almost hippie sensibility -- the idea that our current enemies might one day work with us side-by-side. Spock was the first alien to join a Star Trek crew, and the pattern would continue. Orignal series' villains the KLINGONS would get representation on the crew of THE NEXT GENERATION; Next Generation big bads the BORG would work on the deck of the STARSHIP VOYAGER. As a result, Spock and his beneficiaries would teach audiences across the world (and galaxy?) that we really can all just get along...and hopefully "live long and prosper."

The Greatest 101 TV Characters (79-70)

2005-10-13T21:53:00.000-07:00

79. JACK BAUER as played by Kiefer Sutherland (24) - Endurance alone is enough to nominate the hardest working man at Los Angeles' COUNTER TERRORIST UNIT. Poor Jack. He always seems to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But what's bad for Jack - and his daughter, his wife, his co-workers, friends, lovers, their friends and lovers, the President, Los Angeles county and the United States - is great for us, as each season we've been treated to a death-defying, 24-hour marathon of suspense, international intrigue and out-of-nowhere twists. No character has been more fearless, more selfless, or more on the money than JACK – a patriotic hero perfect for our Machiavellian, Red-State era.

78. SETH COHEN as played by Adam Brody (The O.C.) - While the sweet, geeky boy-next-door cliche was popular in many an '80s teen rom com (ANTHONY MICHAEL HALL, JON CRYER, ERIC STOLTZ, and PATRICK DEMPSEY all made careers out of the role), the archetype was greatly absent from the primetime soap opera before NEWPORT's favorite pop-culture-spouting, DEATH CAB-obsessed hipster graced our screens. Even if he is just SCREECH with better clothes, Brody’s Seth provided the witty, revisionist commentary of the over-the-top goings on that gave The O.C. its signature, we’re-above-this-cheesy-soap thing, panache. At least in the first season. If only the writers had lived up to Seth’s initial infectious charm, he might’ve been higher on the list.

77. LARRY SANDERS as played by Garry Shandling (The Larry Sanders Show) - Underappreciated comedian and sometimes Emmy host SHANDLING had to create his own series to find a vehicle to express his brilliance. And in doing so, he created HBO's first flagship series and one of the most biting backstage series in history. Shot as a documentary following the the behind-the-scenes antics of a TONIGHT SHOW-esque variety show, Shandling was the brilliant ring leader - both as host and boss of his staff of big-egoed writers, sidekicks and producers. A precursor to THE OFFICE, Sanders proved that a showbiz office can be just as inane as a normal one.

76. LUCILLE BLUTH as played by Jessica Walter (Arrested Development) - At least one character from the new century's funniest sitcom needed to be included, and it was nearly impossible to single out just one. But I have a particular affinity for acid-tongued bitches, and none have been more chillingly hilarious than the vodka-swilling matriarch of the BLUTH clan. A housewife who’s more toxic than desperate, Lucille, as played pitch-perfectly by the brilliant Jessica Walter, is the type of mom who’d say she loves all her children equally, just minutes after admitting she doesn’t care for her oldest son. The type of woman who will drink a college student under the table at a spring break blowout, just before announcing that she has to “head back to rehab.” JUNE CLEAVER she’s not and thank god. Some people think she’s too critical, but as she would say “that’s one of their faults.”

75. ROSS GELLAR as played by David Schwimmer (Friends) – While the soap waited for SETH COHEN to bring out the nerdy big guns, FRIENDS was about ten years ahead of the trend with its lovesick, paleontologist ROSS GELLAR. Socially awkward and recovering from a failed marriage with his lesbian college sweetheart, Ross’ affection’s quickly fell on unrequited high school crush RACHEL and ours quickly fell on him. Ross and Rachel’s on again-off again-on again courtship kept fans guessing for the show’s 10-year run, but it was Ross’ unabashed geekiness, his undeniably good heart, and his proclivity to marry women on sight that made him one of modern sitcom’s most loveable (and unlikely) leading men.

74. GARETH KEENAN as played by Mackenzie Crook (The Office) – When self-importance is paired with complete and utter insignificance, humor typically ensues. So is the case with GARETH KEENAN, assistant TO the Regional Manager of WERNHAM HOGG’s Slough branch. It was a joy to watch the sycophantic right-hand-man of DAVID BRENT get tortured week after week, thanks in great part to CROOK’s subtle genius. He made Gareth’s delusions just ridiculous and sad enough to earn our affectionate disdain. His long and slightly bizarre love for his stapler and various desk supplies, was one of TV’s most heart-tugging unrequited love affairs.

73. DICK SOLOMON as played by John Lithgow (3rd Rock from the Sun) – Farce is never the easiest thing to pull off, but for many years, no TV show did it better than 3RD ROCK, the high-concept series about a team of alien scientists living as a human family on Earth. As their fearless (and pompous) High Commander, Lithgow brought an equally fearless lunacy to the constantly in-over-his-head DICK. While moonlighting as a math professor at a local university he studied first hand the joys, the insecurities and the scatalogical inconsistencies of human life. Mid fifties and balding but with the emotional maturity of a child, Dick, Lithgow and the series proved that sometimes it takes an outsider's perspective to see how ridiculous our day to day lives really are.

72. DR. MARK CRAIG as played by William Daniels (St. Elsewhere) – I haven’t seen ST. ELSEWHERE all that much, but I was struck watching a rerun one day when I saw an oddly familiar actor. Who was he? That arched, patrician dialect, I knew I knew it from somewhere. And then it hit me – it was BOY MEETS WORLD’s MR. FEENEY. Before he was giving CORY MATTHEWS detention, DANIELS was the acid-tongued and self-aggrandizing heart surgeon DR. CRAIG. ST. ELSEWHERE was a groundbreaking medical series, one of the first to embrace the uncompromising realism of the real medical world. In that vein, Dr. Craig was one of TV’s first physicians who wasn’t a cuddly, messianic healer. Just as the series paved the way for the visceral storytelling of ER, Craig marked the territory of similarly no-nonsense docs like DR. BENTON and GREGORY HOUSE.

71. FELICITY PORTER as played by Keri Russell (Felicity) – Dear Sally, I have to confess that I think KERI RUSSELL is one of the most talented and underrated actors to grace our television screens. There I said. I love her. But I still assert that FELICITY, her wide-eyed, idealistic college student, is one of the great lead characters of the past 15 years. In whimsically following her high school dream guy to college, the nerdy wallflower shook her quiet comfort level to the core. Before long, the bold move opened up a flood gate of naively brave decisions, unstoppable verbal diaharrea, and “cover-my-eyes-I-can’t-watch” social awkwardness that would even make LARRY DAVID and the cast of THE OFFICE cringe. Sure Felicity and her friends were the lamest group of college students this side of NORTHWESTERN’s WILLARD RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE, but these sweet natured, J. Crew clad kids were the perfect nostalgic lens through which the world could recall that simpler, experimental time of college. The BEN or NOEL love triangle kept fans guessing until the end. And never before has a series found so many different meanings, tones and deliveries for the word “Hey,” nor has any one person ever in the history of the universe uttered the words “Do you wanna talk?” more than Felicity. While many credited JENNIFER ANISTON’s “Rachel Cut” with cementing FRIENDS as a real watercooler hit, Russell’s piliatory style decisions received the wrath of WB execs, who claimed that her decision to chop off her famously ginormous locks cost the show millions of viewers. But how could you get mad at that face?! Look at it! I believe they invented the word “cherubic” just for her.

70. DR. LILITH STERNIN as played by Bebe Neuwirth (Cheers, Frasier) – She was the pragmatic and humorless ice queen who stole DR. FRASIER CRANE’s heart. At least for a time. Brittle and analytical, the skillful Neuwirth played her straight man role so straight she actually became the funny one. Though she broke Frasier's heart in the last season of CHEERS, it was her affair that propelled him to his second life (and second series) in Seattle. As a recurring character on FRASIER, she gave Cheers fans an appreciated jolt of nostalgia, and thawed enough to create one of the most poignant depictions of a divorced couple sitcomdom has seen.

Dear Abby: Where Can I Find a "Camel Toad"?

2005-10-13T00:39:00.000-07:00

God bless ERIC TREICHEL for sending off this hilarious newspaper excerpt that must be seen to be believed. I beseech you to read on. (Just click on the image for a full-size, easy to ready version!)

101 Greatest TV Characters - (89-80)

2005-10-12T16:11:00.000-07:00

89. CAPTAIN JEAN-LUC PICARD as played by Patrick Stewart (Star Trek: The Next Generation) - Sure CAPTAIN KIRK was the first Starfleet commander to "boldly go where no man had gone before," but PATRICK STEWART's well-manicured, prim and proper Picard took the exploits of the STARSHIP ENTERPRISE to a whole new stratosphere. That meant goodbye BILL SHATNER campiness, hello Shakespearean-honed gravitas. The result: a geek opus that actually worked as a legitimately dramatic and (dare I say) at times philosophical television series. Put him on the list, you ask? I will "make it so."

88. ALEXIS CARRINGTON as played by Joan Collins (Dynasty) - That "look up the word 'bitch' in the dictionary and you'd find her picture" cliché is actually almost true where ALEXIS is concerned, the paragon of all soap opera vixens. Played with hip-posturing relish by JOAN COLLINS, many blander bitches have tried (unsuccessfully) to fill Alexis' shoulder pads. The women of MELROSE PLACE and WISTERIA LANE all owe Ms. Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan the right to be so devilishly meddling. Her fountain-set fisticuffs with LINDA EVANS will go down as the primetime soap's iconic cat fight - an over-the-top display of TV animosity that puts those silly little squabbles between EDIE BRITT and SUSAN MAYER to shame.

87. DYLAN MCKAY as played by Luke Perry (Beverly Hills, 90210) - 90210's resident rebel without a cause. The marriage of Dylan and Perry gave Generation X their own personal JAMES DEAN - and an unfortunate peek into what the late screen icon's life would've looked like had he made it past 25 (think balding and unemployed.) The Dylan-BRENDA-KELLY love triangle will go down as one of TV's most addicting and divisive (he so belonged with BRENDA, though). Every girl's dream and every dad's worst nightmare, Dylan was the charismatic bad boy that was just as deep (and deep-pocketed) as he was defiant. He puts RYAN ATWOOD to shame.

86. THE CIGARETTE-SMOKING MAN as played by William B. Davis (The X-Files) - One of TV's most terrifying villains didn't even have a name. Davis' chain-smoking Cancer Man, a mysterious, highly placed government operative, was constantly skulking in corners and throwing wrenches in MULDER & SCULLY's all important search for the truth. He helped organize an alien invasion of planet Earth, had his own DARTH VADER-esque "I could be your father" moment with Mulder, AND took credit for assassinating KENNEDY and MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR. (I knew OSWALD was innocent!) All the while, Davis and showrunner CHRIS CARTER always kept us guessing, remembering that the most frightening villains are those we never get a chance to understand.

85. NEWMAN as played by Wayne Knight (Seinfeld) - No introduction sends a chill down the spine of TV viewers everywhere like "Hello...Newman." This portly, misanthropic mailman was the inexplicably hilarious nemesis to punctilious JERRY - the LEX LUTHOR to his SUPERMAN. Few TV characters took more pleasure in the misery of others than the SEINFELD foursome, but the self-important, soliloquy spouting, perennially frustrated Newman comes close. Like the SMOKING MAN, the core of Newman's evil was never truly revealed. He's one of TV's greatest recurring characters, and his response to broccoli - "Vile Weed!" - is still one of my all-time favorite line readings ever.

84. MARCIA BRADY as played by Maureen McCormick (The Brady Bunch) - Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! What more can you really say? She's the iconic dream girl next door - sexy but accessible, and the first crush of anyone who grew up watching NICKELODEON.

83. ZACK MORRIS as played by Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Saved by the Bell) - TV's own FERRIS BUELLER. Everyone's favorite bleached-blonde trouble maker of BAYSIDE HIGH spanned the television medium - popping up on a Saturday morning teen show, a primetime college spin-off, glorious TV movies (like SAVED BY THE BELL GOES TO HAWAII and A WEDDING IN LAS VEGAS) before settling into the addicting world of syndicated reruns on WPIX Channel 11. Zack, or PREPPY as his good friend ALBERT CLIFFORD would call him, was a boy BUGS BUNNY (let's face it, live action doesn't come closer to cartoons than Saved by the Bell), always hatching a scheme, getting detention with MR. B. (or in trouble with MR. CARROSI) and of course lovin' on the ladies. (But only kissing!) Who didn't want to be Zack Morris at 12 years old? I have to admit (and ANNIE PREZIOSI will attest), I tried to design my room to look like his in the mid-90s, replete with gray décor, a red bean bag chair and an inexplicable BANGLES poster. I never did get my dictionary-sized ZACK MORRIS CELL PHONE though sadly!

82. MONICA GELLAR as played by Courteney Cox (Friends) - Cox deserves placement here just for having the good sense (and the humility) to step aside from her "lead-role" status at the inception of FRIENDS and allow her talented castmates to emerge as a true ensemble. While Monica started off as something of a bland everywoman, she slowly but surely became one of TV's most gratingly funny Type-As. Hyper-organized, super competitive and clean to a fault, the drop-dead gorgeous but nerdy Monica was still always a fat girl at heart. Never before has neuroses been delivered in such an attractive package. As Monica herself would say, "I KNOW!"

81. BRENDA WALSH as played by Shannen Doherty (Beverly Hills, 90210) - Turning a spoiled, self-involved brat into a loveable TV icon sounds like a difficult prospect, but somehow DARREN STARR, AARON SPELLING and behind-the-scenes bad girl SHANNEN DOHERTY pulled it off. BRANDON's twin sis started off as a wide-eyed Midwestern bumpkin, but quickly learned to love life in the fast lane and much like her off-screen alter ego, found herself in heaps of trouble. Teen pregnancy and breast cancer scares, boyfriend woes, love triangles, mother-daughter fashion shows, infidelity, problems with pops and dishing out food at the PEACH PIT as her bizarre alternate personality LAVERNE - what didn't this self-aggrandizing teenybopper not suffer through. The new soap kids of the WB era don't got anything on Bren'. She was illegally escaping off to MEXICO before SETH, RYAN and MARISSA were glints in their pretty parents' eyes.

80. ARNOLD DRUMMOND as played by Gary Coleman (Diff'rent Strokes) - He beat the pants off WEBSTER to win the title of favorite diminutive black actor. But we all know why we really loved this wily little rascal from the wrong side of the tracks: the catch phrases. "Whatchu talkin' bout, Willis?" -- classic!

Ask Adam: "Lost in Ham Nation: Part II"

2005-10-11T01:02:00.000-07:00

When we last left ASK ADAM, ADAM was taking ABSINTH SHOTS with flaming SALT, HOWIE was contemplating the carcinogenic consequences of combusted SPLENDA, and both were prepping for a night that would answer the age-old question: how do those crazy Spaniards party so hard...and so late?

BACK TO:

INT. ADAM & KIM'S APARTMENT - MADRID, SPAIN - MOMENTS LATER...

KIM’s evening with her MOM ended up being much longer than expected, and Howie and I sat, and talked, and drank until she arrived back at the apartment at 2:30 am. She walked in to find me laying on the floor with a glass in one hand and my feet up on the couch, where Howie sat perched eating a 3-week old pita, dipped in tomato sauce. I must mention that when Kim arrived, the first words out of her mouth were, “Holy Shit, you guys drank _ of that bottle!” And yes readers, it was true, we had already consumed a vast majority of the green devil.

But we weren’t finished yet. Because according to us, Kim looked way too sober to leave the house at this hour (COLLIN FARRELL on a weekend bender would’ve looked “too sober” for us at that moment). So we then made Kim take two more shots with us before heading out the door for the center of the city.

We arrived in the center to find that many of the bars had spilled out into the streets and there were hundreds of people standing around, dancing, and talking. Because of all this riff-raff, I decided it was the perfect time for me to start using the pick-up line that Howie had taught me, on the groups of lonesome looking girls (when we go out with Howie, Kim and I become his minions, trying to get him laid). So I begin to approach drunk-looking women asking “Sabes donde esta el cochondello?” Which translates literally to, “Do you know where the party is?” And to no surprise I was received, not with responses, but more often with confused/repulsed expressions. I can only attribute this to the vagueness of the question and the fact that at this point I had that nasty drunk Sachs face that you’re all used to by now.

SEE BELOW:

Finally I start to get frustrated by the lack of legitimate responses—although I don’t know what kind of response I was hoping for? Something like, “Sure, go to the end of this road, make a left at the bank, and follow the curvy street to the big warehouse,” maybe. But no, none of that. So I decid I have to alter my entry strategy. It is at this point that I begin shouting in frustration, “Hola Putas!!” Which literally translates to, “Whats up Whores?”

After being forcibly silenced by Kim, we both look up to find Howie, blacked-out drunk and rambling on and on about how he wants to “fuck some chick in the ass.” Finally we find a group of friendly chicas (keep in mind, we’re still partying/standing in the streets, and its about 4:30 at this point). We start talking to those girls, me and Kim talking to this cute girl CHRISTINA (I must mention that our other objective for scouting out women is to find a female friend for Kim) while Howie finds some bonable potential in the same group. Well Howie, still feeling overcome with a lack of self-control, begins blabbing hysterically — complete with all the famous Howie facial jerks, and hand gestures—in Spanish. And believe it or not, the chicas actually think he’s Spanish.

Well his uncontrollable blabbing actually attracts 3 of the other girls in the group over to him to witness the spectacle (they were formerly tending to their disgustingly drunk amiga who was laying in a puddle of her own barf on a doorstep—very Team America style).
So somehow, Howie then finds himself surrounded by a group of respectable ladies as he’s gesturing wildly and going on and on in both English and Spanish about how he wants to “fuck someone in the ass tonight.” Meanwhile Christina says “I think your friend is very drunk,” and me being just as guilty, responds with, “Nah, he fucking wasted.” Then Kim slaps me on the arm and I manage to mumble out, “Just kidding. He’s sober, and he’s very very intelligent. He was the President of ZBT!”

At this point its about 5 we can tell that the girls are starting to gather and are obviously getting ready to leave, so Howie makes a last ditch effort to get them to come back to my apartment for the after-party. They tell him that they’re actually going to go eat churros instead. And it is at this point that Howie gives up, telling the girls, “Well that’s fine, because I’m out with my two best friends anyway.” And just as Kim and I begin to express a proud smile, he motions to his right and left hands, both doing masturbation gestures. Well for some reason the girls were perfectly content with hearing about the prospects of a threat to their virgin balloon knots, but the first mention of Howie jonesin’ it to himself disgusts them completely and they run away (Luckily Kim managed to score Christina’s number!).

Now its 5:30 and we finally enter a bar. Kim is completely sober now and I have a terrible case of the hiccups and have to pee every five minutes. Upon my second return from the restroom I get upstairs to find Howie on the other side of the bar, eyes half closed and rolled back into his head, leaning against a pole and swaying rhythmically. Seeing this sight makes Kim and I decide that its time to go home and when we ask Howie if he wants to come back and crash on our couch his half-concious, incomprehensible response is, “nahhhhhhhhh, I’m…I’m gonna stay here and take out…take out the trash.”

Whether the garbage-man was successful or not in his quest to take a journey down the Hershy highway remains a mystery to this day. But what is no longer a mystery is the key to having a late night out on the town, Ham Nation. It involves carefully mixing the proper ingredients into what is sure to be a recipe for debauchery. Absinth, lots of it. Flaming sugar substitute. And an incredibly late departure time.

The 101 Greatest Television Characters of All Time

2005-10-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

For those of you who were checking my away messages in 2004, you may remember a similar list. And since that cycle increased my incoming IMs by 250 percent - people, they loves the lists! - I decided to bring it back to the blog, revised and revisited with about 25 new characters added -- plus explanatory blurbs!

There was no real science to the creation of the list. (SHOCKER!!!) But one thing's for sure. This isn't going to be one of those stuffy lists that reserves the top 20 slots for regular and recurring characters from THE ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. On my list, you're more likely to see characters from THE OSBOURNES than OZZIE & HARRIET.

So how'd I come up with the list? First and foremost, I had to love the characters. The people on this list are the type of people that elevated their shows -- who really stood out among their casts and casts across the TV spectrum. They're the characters you'd quote and whose misadventures you're either incredibly envious of, or super glad you've never had to endure. These characters are icons for one reason or another, if only in my mind. History and influence play a role -- we have to give credit where credit is due, and that often means giving precedence to "firsts" and characters who paved the way. As a result, the Top 50 might not be as exciting, fresh or fun a grouping as the Bottom 50.

Reality stars (the biggest characters really, cards I might say) were eligible, but sketch and variety show characters weren't. (Hi-oh for JANICE DICKINSON, but it pains me to say aw shucks for JIMINY GLICK.)

Please write in and post with your thoughts, comments and own lists. And check back every day for the next week to watch the list unspool, about 10 characters at a time.

So without further adieu: THE TOP 101 TV CHARACTERS OF ALL TIME

101. OZZY OSBOURNE (The Osbournes) - Had to make room for the progenitor of the "celebreality" TV genre. And what a trailblazer this bugged-out, stammering, ninkempoop of a Brit-goth rocker he is. Ozzy's loveable shenanigans and unbelievable obliviousness turned the family sitcom - and our notion of what a TV family should look like - on its head. The result was a hilarious and (at first) highly watchable amalgam of FATHER KNOWS BEST (or in this case "worst") with THE ADDAMS FAMILY. At the very least he deserves a mention for putting up with grody daughter KELLY.

100. EDDIE HASKELL as played by Ken Osmond (Leave It to Beaver) - The show that birthed the iconic TV family certainly deserves to have one mention on this list, but ultimately lead characters JUNE CLEAVER and the BEAV were a bit too bland and reproducible to warrant mention (though perhaps that was their point). That leaves Haskell, TV's first love-to-hate-'em character - a mischievous precursor to troublemakers like ZACK MORRIS and ALAN SHORE. How many TV characters have been so influential as to transform into a colloquial adjective decades later?

99. GILLIGAN as played by Bob Denver (Gilligan's Island) - Before there was LOST there was GILLIGAN'S ISLAND. Sillier, campier and all together more ridiculous than the already incredulous sci-fi, stranded-on-a-deserted-island skein, GILLIGAN'S ISLAND is what LOST would be if HURLEY were the lead. Not exactly my cup of tea, but must give credit to the granddaddy of all TV doofuses.

98. SHERRY PALMER as played by Penny Johnson Jerald (24) - And you thought HILARY RODHAM CLINTON made a scary first lady. 24's resident Lady MacBeth will go down in history as one of TV's most devious divas, manipulating her husband, designing conspiracies, plotting murders, hell - she organized a nuclear attack on the U.S. just to piss off her ex-husband and she still got him to pardon her afterwards. She's OMAROSA with a twist of JOAN COLLINS, and though she deservedly received her comeuppance in Season III (at the hands of ALIAS' ANNA ESPINOSA, no less), she's one TV bitch we dearly miss.

97. EMMA PEEL as played by Diana Rigg (The Avengers) - Before there was BUFFY or SYDNEY BRISTOW, there was EMMA PEEL, the slinky secret agent of this hallmark British series. While her descendants were allowed to be brainier, more vulnerable and psychologically three-dimensional, Emma was TV's first heroine who could be sexy and competent, kicking just as much butt as her male counterparts.

96. JACK TRIPPER as played by John Ritter (Three's Company) - Could there be a more quintessential sitcom character than JACK TRIPPER? Or a more certifiable "TV actor" than JOHN RITTER? Similar marriages of vanilla and vanilla have resulted in expected blandness (cough, FREDDIE), but Ritter's unintimidating charm and the shows unabashed TV-showness made Jack an everyman we could get behind. And envy -- I mean, what man wouldn't want to live with two hot ladies, CHRISSY and the, uh, SECOND CHRISSY. (You didn't think I was talking about JOYCE DEWITT, did you?)

95. GOMEZ & MORTICIA ADDAMS as played by John Astin and Carolyn Jones (The Addams Family) - TV's first alternative couple and family. Without the Addams, would we have been treated to the blue collar CONNORS of ROSEANNE? The white trash BUNDYS of MARRIED...WITH CHILDREN? The blended BRADYS? Or THE OSBOURNES? The inspiration to the thousands of goth teens who spend their weekly allowance at HOT TOPIC, GOMEZ & MORTICIA were a playful take on "those" neighbors.

94. STEVE URKEL as played by Jaleel White (Family Matters) - Sure UNDERCOVER BROTHER blamed him for the degradation of black culture. But let's be honest Urkel was a pioneer, proving to the masses that not all black people are cool. Every generation has its doofus, and Urkel was ours. Armed with an arsenal of catch phrases required of any TV has-been in the making ("Did I do that?"; "Got any cheese?") and even a super suave alterego in STEPHANN URQUELLE. What more could you ask for in a pesky, nextdoor neighbor character?

93. MICHELLE TANNER as played by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen (Full House) - Whoever thought the just-this-side-of-annoying toddler would transform into one of America's most lusted-after Lolitas? Er, two of America's most lusted-after Lolitas. Before the Olsen twins were multimillionaires, they cut their teeth on the most sitcomy of all '90s sitcoms FULL HOUSE playing TV's most adorable pre-schooler Michelle. Should they be on this list? You got it, dude!

92. TEDDY HOFFMAN as played by Daniel Benzali (Murder One) - If I'm ever caught in the middle of a seamy, Hollywood murder trial, I'd want TEDDY HOFFMAN at my side. Competence is an attractive characteristic in a TV character, and in the seemingly unending list of TV lawyers, T. Ho stands out as the most capable, the most diligent (and kinda the scariest) outthere. The perfect marriage of character and an underappreciated character actor. Supervillain RICHARD CROSS got all the press on this tragically shortlived series that followed one murder trial over an entire season. But the heart of the show was always senior partner Hoffman. His icy retorts were worth the price of the DVD purchase, and he proved once and for -- well ONCE that white guys could pull off completely bald and still look cool.

91. JESSIE SAMMLER as played by Evan Rachel Wood (Once & Again) - Ah, teen angst. Never was it served up with more heartbreak, more realism, or just plain more than with poor lil' Jessie Sammler on what I still attest to be the best show of the 21st century. Besides providing a forum for one of the most draw-droppingly talented actors of her generation (second coming of JODIE FOSTER anyone?), the character of Jessie was a veritable lightning rod for every coming-of-age, tear-jerking plot development in the book: a broken home, anorexia and even lesbianism to boot. (Trivia: before she got all timidly sapphic on THE O.C., MISCHA BARTON was sucking face as Jessie's here, queer and proud of it provacateur on O&A. ) Many a worthy (and not-so-worthy) actor has tackled the painful melodrama of growing up. But this ONCE & AGAIN alumna gets the nod for delicate fearlessness and for so boldly upholding the series central tenet -- that the everyday can be just as dramatic as the fantastical. An impressive feat for a 12-year-old.

90. IRINA DEREVKO as played by Lena Olin (Alias) - How many characters do you know that can haunt every frame of a show without even appearing? Hottest woman alive (and 50-plus) LENA OLIN brought sexy cunning, glorious mystery and "an unbearable lightness of being" (forgive me) to the role SYDNEY BRISTOW's manipulative Spy Mommy. Without a doubt, best guest star ever! While I greatly blame OLIN for the downfall of the show (perhaps it never would've gone off track in Season III had she been there to fulfill their original creative vision), I'm glad we were treated to an actress intense, glamorous and powerful enough to inhabit the role of TV's most dangerous femme fatale. Few women can go by the moniker "The Man" and get away with it.

Ask Adam: "Lost in Ham Nation"

2005-10-06T16:13:00.000-07:00

ASK ADAM was such a huge success (it created almost as many hits as my uber-popular 47 SIGNS YOU'LL BE WATCHING ALIAS post last week) that I had to bring it back, and this week's column is even better than the last. In this edition, Adam and his merry band of cronies explore the underbelly of Spanish nightlife. Plus he re-establishes his fondness for his go-to humorous historical reference: WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA. References to said military campaign have appeared in at least two previous ASK ADAMS, three humorous short stories, a school paper and countless email jokes. Adam, Atlanta's been rebuilt for like 125 years -- it's time to move on.

So without further adieu:

DEAR ADAM,

I've recently arrived in SPAIN and I'm dying to become immersed in what I've been told is the best nightlife in the world. The Spaniards really know how to party. And while I've always considered myself a bit of a party "MANimal" I just can't seem to keep up with those crazy chicos. I mean, before the hours of 2 and 3 a.m. I'm doing just fine and having the time of my life. But once 4 a.m. rolls around, all I can think about is a.) how comfortable my bed would feel at that very moment, and b) why the hell are all the Spaniards still going strong? Not only that, but it seems like people start having MORE fun once 4 a.m. hits.

Basically I'm confused.

Is it the great weather everyday that keeps these people partying, charged by the solar power of the ubiquitous sun? Or could it be some secret mineral found in the flesh of the incalculable amount of pork products consumed? Whatever it is, I'm dying to solve this enigma and hit the streets like a true Spaniard.

I know that you've been living in Madrid for some time, and I've also heard about your virtual omniscience on the subject of partying. So please Adam, help me out and tell me the solution to an endless night of partying.

Muchos Besos,
Lost in Ham Nation

DEAR LOST,
Thanks for the..uh…kisses. I'm glad you contacted me though, because you bring up a very important problem. One that struggled with on many occasions in my first few weeks in MADRID. I can even recall a time when I actually fell asleep in the midst of doing my own rendition of DAVID BRENT'S "DISCO ROBOT" with a crowd of people encircling me, clapping. Man, that was a real low-point. But I'm proud to announce, that after much experimentation, hours of research and countless attempts, I've finally found the answer to staying out until DAWN.

Let me start by explaining that neither sun nor pork could have had anything to do with my success. Anybody who's ever seen my skin knows that I'm as pale as they come. Well, actually, anyone who's ever seen my skin must have been wearing those black-out solar eclipse glasses because the fluorescent white pigment of my skin has been deemed by many physicians, as harmful, if not fatal, to the naked eye. And pork could also never be the answer. As my faithful readers know, I haven't eaten so much as a slice of bacon (except for delicious turkey bacon), in decades. I mean how could anybody afford to eat something with such a high calorie/gram ratio. Frankly, the closest I've come to eating pork in years was on my birthday, sophomore year, when I tried to bite GLICKMAN's meaty arm in a drunken brawl outside ZBT (he totally got grass stains all over the knees of my new SEVENS).

So Ham Nation, as you can see, the answer is something entirely different. The answer is….you must wait until about 3 before you leave the house. Now I know, you're probably thinking, but then I miss half the night? Well my friend, this may be true, but at least you miss the bad half. You see, when you leave the house at midnight, you are probably more sober than you should be, and you'll end up walking into a bar filled with other people who are in the same, boring state of mind. But by conserving your energy (a.k.a. drinking heavily while sitting on your own couch) you can show up at 3 a.m. and be the life of the party for hours. On a side note, I must mention for my single friends out there, that 3 a.m. is primetime for finding a saucy member of the opposite sex - just a few drinks away from vomiting on themselves - who has certainly lost the inhibition and proper eyesight that would force them to turn you down had you approached them two hours earlier.

In this piece, I've enclosed a detailed account of that fateful night, our first foray into the morning hours of partying in Spain. I must give proper credit to our friend HOWIE, my single buddy who was having the same issues that you and I were suffering from Ham Nation. This brave soul decided to undertake the final experiment with me, and this is what happened:

It was Thursday evening and Howie and I had decided to drink in my apartment while KIM was out having an early evening of entertainment with her MOTHER. We were going to drink until she came home and then head out on the town. I had a bottle of SCOTCH in the apartment, and to my surprise, Howie arrived around 11:45 with a bottle of ABSINTHE. Now when I say absinthe, I'm not talking about the pussy stuff that's basically green vodka and tastes like an appletini. I'm talking about the real deal, the stuff you can only buy in Europe, the stuff that launched the SPANISH CIVIL WAR (I'm being a little liberal with my History just for affect).

Well we began our exploits by drinking two very stiff scotches each. This was our warm-up, because everyone knows that you can't just jump right into absinth, you have to put your feet in the water first to get used to the temperature. So after we were feeling a little loosened up, we decide it was time to hit the hard stuff. But if you know me, you know I like to do things right, and in the case of Absinth, that involved doing the whole sugar and spoon method. (I researched it on the Internet during my second scotch.)

Unfortunately, there was no sugar in our apartment (unnecessary calories), but luckily my parents have been shipping me SPLENDA (it's the new FIJI WATER!!) and I figured that since its basically the same as sugar, it'd be a fine substitute. So after much convincing, and despite Howie's protests that "burning Splenda will give us cancer, blah blah blah," we drink two large absinths with flaming sugar substitute. If the sugar was supposed to tranquilize the awesome power of the Absinth, the Splenda did nothing. Because all we felt were two muscular fireballs of alcohol burning their way down our throats like WILLIAM TECUMSEH SHERMAN'S MARCH TO THE SEA.

But at this point, my faithful readers, I must point out that before the Splenda, I'd found a Ziploc bag filled with what I thought was sugar. And before Howie was properly persuaded, I alone took a shot of Absinth with FLAMING SALT in it. And let me tell you, it may be true that Splenda and Absinth is an eventual cardiac carcinogen, but salt and Absinth could kill a weaker man on contact. But, in the words of ALI G, "I digest."

And OFF ADAM, eyes wide, hands gesturing like he's so excited to finish the story we:

CUT TO BLACK.

to be continued...

That's right folks. Ask Adam and BLOG IS THE NEW BLACK just had its first CLIFFHANGER. Don't forget to check back MONDAY for the exciting conclusion and the poignant life lesson.

Tonight on ALIAS: Sydney and Weiss Compare Bumps

2005-10-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

And I think it's a draw...

The NEW YORK TIMES has a big piece today on Sydney's pregnancy and its place in the evolution of Hollywood's depiction of the hormonally charged period in many a lady's life. An excerpt below. Click on the HEADLINE to read the entire article.

ON ALIAS, THE STAR IS NOW SPYING FOR TWO
by Jodi Kantor

Tonight's episode of "Alias," the spy drama starring Jennifer Garner, will involve a typical night's work for secret superagent Sydney Bristow: she will pummel a few bad guys, steal some intelligence, nearly be sucked from a speeding airplane. It's routine stuff for the show, but for one thing: both actress and character will have a belly that is visibly, strikingly swollen from its normally taut state.

This season, Sydney becomes perhaps television's most formidable pregnant character to date: a cunning C.I.A. operative who is likely to slip in and out of Pyongyang between obstetrician appointments; the only agent in her unit whose bulletproof vest requires an expandable waistline; and a marvel of endurance who will add childbirth to a résumé of trials that include being tortured and buried alive.

It may not amount to an "Ellen" or a "Murphy Brown" moment, but it's one that says a great deal about what is now permissible on television and during pregnancy. Consider the case of Lucille Ball, still television's most famous example of simultaneous on- and off-screen pregnancy. The storyline was a national sensation, and Lucy's birth episode earned higher ratings than President Dwight Eisenhower's inauguration. And yet pregnancy was still considered such a delicate matter that the network vetted the episodes with religious leaders and advised against using the word "pregnancy" on the air.

Later, impending parenthood became the sturdiest of sitcom plot devices. But many actresses who became pregnant saw their characters subjected to indignities: though Lisa Kudrow's pregnancy was incorporated into the plot of "Friends," when Jane Leeves of "Frasier" started to show with her first pregnancy, her nonpregnant alter ego suffered jokes about sudden weight gain. Characters on action series also met mixed fates. Tyne Daly of "Cagney & Lacey" and Lucy Lawless of "Xena: Warrior Princess" were able to work their pregnancies into their shows, but when Gillian Anderson of "The X Files" became pregnant, Agent Scully wore huge coats and then was whisked away for a gruesome abduction.

By contrast, "Alias" has built an entire season around the blessed event. (And a marketing campaign: The advertisements feature Ms. Garner, one hand protectively on her middle, and the words "Expect More.") When the producers initially found out that Ms. Garner was pregnant, they briefly considered using computers to paste her head on another actress's body, said Jeff Pinkner, an executive producer of the show. Instead, they decided to swing in the far opposite direction, playing the pregnancy for all of its dramatic, physical and comedic possibilities.

Tonight is said to be former series regular GREG GRUNBERG's final appearance on the show. Apparently, the writers no longer need him because pregnant JENNIFER GARNER can now be the butt of all their fat jokes. Kidding! Grunberg apparently felt there was nowhere else to take the character, but we probably could've told him that two seasons ago.

Expect him to turn up on KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL within a month.

Supreme Court Nominations: Episode II -- REVENGE OF THE SLIT

2005-10-05T22:28:00.000-07:00

As every character in the STAR WARS saga would say: "I have a bad feeling about this."

PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH has appointed a DARK LORD OF THE SITH to the U.S. SUPREME COURT. He's expected to officially rename the United States "THE EMPIRE" within the next week.

It seems that MAUREEN DOWD was on to something when she equated the two BUSH ADMINISTRATIONS to the evil GALACTIC EMPIRE in GEORGE LUCAS' space opera.

In Dowd's lore, V.P. DICK CHENEY was Imperial enforcer extraordinairre DARTH VADER; RUMMY was nefarious DEATH STAR honcho TARKIN and DUBYA was LUKE SKYWALKER, flirting dangerously too close to the Dark Side.

But a stunning side-by-side comparison created by WONKETTE has confirmed that HARRIET MIERS is actually evil Sith lord EMPEROR PALPATINE -- the phantom menace himself.

DARTH HARRIET's first order of business: recommending that new apprentice Bush dissolve the council, put power in the hands of the regional governors, and let fear keep the local systems in line.

Tom Cruise Overcomes His Emmission: Impossible. Gossip Bloggers Worldwide Collectively Jizz Contemplating the Potential Gay Jokes

2005-10-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

TOM CRUISE has jumped the couch yet again. After an intense Scientologist auditing session, he and his team have successfully impregnated KATIE HOLMES.

The child will be the world's first human publicity stunt.

The announcement came as a shock to much of the world -- not because many doubted the veracity of the TomKat union -- but because the newly christened KATE HOLMES, 26, claimed to be a virgin who wouldn't give it up until after marriage. It was said to be the factor that made the Cruise-Holmes relationship work so well -- and the reason for the continual postponement of their nuptials.

Sources close to the couple say Holmes will secure a $50,000 bonus to her reported $5 million marriage contract for a.) producing an heir and b.) for wearing an AARON CARTER mask during the conception.

Holmes is said to be doing well as Cruise's cronies prepare to set up a Scientology tent inside her cervix. Next week, she'll begin an intense workout regimen in order to prepare for the exhausting exercise routine she'll have to commit to once POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION sets in.

No word on how Cruise will top the made-for-TV seizure that marked the debut of his relationship on the Oprah show last summer, though in preparation, PRESIDENT BUSH has elevated the terror threat to ORANGE.

Now content with the forthcoming living proof of his heterosexuality, sources say Cruise has thrown out his adopted children CONNOR and ISABELLA, who because of their parents' busy work schedules, haven't realized they had a mom and dad since the mid '90s.

NICOLE KIDMAN was reportedly busy making another atrocious remake and could not be reached for comment. Sources on-set of her new thriller THE VISITING said she seemed numb to the news, but that was probably just on account of the BOTOX.

No plans on a name just yet, but word is Cruise and Holmes have approached their role model couple STAR JONE and AL REYNOLDS to be the spawn's godparents.

The pregnancy is causing major problems for writer-director J.J. ABRAMS, who says the news has effectively spoiled the plot of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE III -- Tom climaxing inside a woman was said to be the threequel's eponymous "impossible mission." It's the second time this year that a pregnancy has forced Abrams to go back to the drawing board. (He had to reconceive the fifth season of ALIAS after JENNIFER GARNER became pregnant.) No word on what changes will be made, but if Alias is any indication, the new plan will probably involve the killing off of many beloved characters. (Start packing your trailers now KERI RUSSELL and VING RHAMES!)

On coming up with a new plotline, Abrams turned to camera and said, "My mission just got a whole lot more impossible-er."

Oprah & Orlando Drink Mint Junips

2005-10-05T19:58:00.000-07:00

T. HO and PAM GALLAGHER were surely thrilled to see OPRAH WINFREY and ORLANDO BLOOM guzzling down mint juleps (or junips, as I prefer to call them) on today's OPRAH WINFREY SHOW.

No doubt the ladies of THE COVEN are celebrating the Southern libation's recent TV appearance with a massive buffet, latin music and an all-night dance fest to the tunes of PRINCE.

Cue GALINA GINSBERG's ga-dunk-adunk-focused sensual dance moves.

Hohan Calls Latest Car Crash a Sneak Preview of Her Career Trajectory

2005-10-05T14:58:00.000-07:00

Yesterday LINDSAY LOHAN was in yet another car crash, this time on ROBERTSON BLVD. -- right around the corner from my house.

The accident occured right in front of power-lunch spot THE IVY and right across the street from my gym. Lucky for Hohan I never go to my gym, otherwise I would have been able to give you all a scathing, eyewitness account of the events.

Lohan says that her erratic driving was the result of a paparazzi-avoiding maneuver gone awry. She's said to have zipped down Robertson blasting and singing along to her race-car-themed semi-hit single "I WANT TO COME FIRST," which sources close to Hohan say is an ode to her days of sleeping with WILMER VALDERAMMA.

But without the anthropomorphized HERBIE: THE LOVE BUG (or the always convenient green screen work of ILM) to help her, she crashed faster than THE APPRENTICE: MARTHA STEWART. Ironically, Lohan's shenanigans created a veritable wet dream for the dozens of paparazzi already congregated outside the Ivy.

Lohan's latest crash victim was rushed to the hospital on a stretcher shortly after the incident, though he said the crash was no more painful than sitting through Lohan's CONFESSIONS OF A TEENAGE DRAMA QUEEN movie. Apparently, he has no plans to sue, just so long as the tween queen refunds him the $8.50 he paid to see the disastrous Disney romcom.

From REUTERS:

LINDSAY LOHAN BLAMES PAPARAZZI FOR CAR CRASH
LOS ANGELES (Reuters) - Four months after a photographer was charged with ramming his car into hers, teen actress Lindsay Lohan was slightly injured in a second traffic accident that her publicist blamed on the paparazzi.

But eyewitness accounts published by the Los Angeles Times and other news outlets suggested that Lohan, star of "Herbie: Fully Loaded" and "Mean Girls," was driving too fast when the accident took place on Tuesday evening.

The Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department said no fault had been established in the accident and that the collision remained under investigation.

Lohan's black Mercedes convertible collided with a van that was making a turn in front of her as she drove in fashionable Robertson Boulevard in West Hollywood, a spokeswoman for the sheriff's office said on Wednesday.

Both Lohan and a female passenger were taken by ambulance to a nearby hospital where they were treated for minor injuries, and the driver of the van was taken to the hospital with "moderate" injuries, spokeswoman Sgt. Diane Hecht said.

And for a far juicier account of the events, check out PEREZ HILTON, from whom we borrowed the above shot of Hohan's latest victim.

What lessons can we take from this? Lindsay Lohan should have her own driver. MERCEDES seem to hold up incredibly well. But more importantly, you get to be close to a lot of cool shit when you live right around the corner from the Ivy.

Someone's in a Tizzy at the FCC

2005-10-05T12:22:00.000-07:00

JANET JACKSON is back to her wardrobe-malfunctioning ways and JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is no where in sight. Her on-display ga-dunk-adunk is courtesy an erstwhile paparazzo who's caught her sunbathing at home.

It appears the incomparable DAMITA JO is a JIM CARREY fan, as she was caught here impersonating his "talks through his ass" comedy bit from ACE VENTURA. Uproarious!

More salacious pics (that steep to journalistic lows that I only occasionally dabble in) are available at JOSSIP.

Brennan McNeil on Bush's Supreme Court Nomination

2005-10-05T11:51:00.000-07:00

TV GASM posted this eerily on-point side-by-side comparison of Supreme Court nominee HARRIET MIERS and AMY SEDARIS' character from STRANGERS WITH CANDY. Goo.

In related news, I got an e-mail from RFH all-star (and last year's teacher of the year) MICHELLE BRENNAN MCNEILL. I was dying for her take on the nomination of HARRIET MIERS to the Supreme Court her thoughts below:

I'm so pissed at GW for not nominating me to the bench. I still have a shot because many democrats are upset with the Harriet nod. Harriet. What kind of name is that? Michele McNeill sounds so much more legal like. And what does she have over me? Nothing. No judicial experience. Just an old Texas chick. And here I am - passionate about the constitution, willing to protect it and read it and interpret it as our founding fathers intended. I hope JP Stevens hangs in there until a democrat President is elected. I might have to wait a few more years before moving to DC.

THIS JUST IN: If you can read this...

2005-10-03T19:32:00.000-07:00

...you're not FANTASIA BARRINO.

Sorry, I couldn't resist. But who am I really hurting? Certainly not her, she can't even read this!

It's like one of those "if a tree falls in the woods, and there's nobody there to hear it, can it sue you for libel?"

TV Guide Lands a Jiminy Glick Exclusive!!!

2005-10-03T19:16:00.000-07:00

TV GUIDE ONLINE posted an article today that truly made my day. (Well, the Fantasia Barrino news really made my day, but this was almost as funny.)

That's right, Comedy Central's interviewer extraordinairre JIMINY GLICK is back on the publicity circuit to promote the DVD release of JIMMINY GLICK IN LALAWOOD, his little scene feature film debut.

This hilarious article gives great insight into the man behind the fat rolls. We even learn that his name is actually short for JIMITHION. Who knew?

Read on and enjoy. Especially all my fellow Glick devotees out there like MOJITO, KIMPOSSIBLE, E-SCHOR, MUSTY, GROSSMAN, LUCHOW, HASDAY, CASEY, NIKKI and more!

JIMINY GLICK IS THE TALK OF HIMSELF
by Anthony Laysayer

TVGuide.com: Jiminy Glick in Lalawood is framed as a movie within a faux David Lynch movie, a satire of such films as Mulholland Drive and Lost Highway. Are those your favorite Lynch films?
Jiminy Glick: I've never seen them.

TVGuide.com: Have you seen any of his films?
Glick: No. Not at all, but word gets back that they're very good.

TVGuide.com: Martin Short wrote Lalawood and you made numerous appearances on his show. How much do you credit him with helping your career?
Glick: Appearing on the show was a mercy mission. I had already been very hot in Hollywood because of my syndicated column, and Short needed me. Listen, Martin Short was someone who was interesting for about half an hour in the '80s. There's very little I have to say positive about that dude.

TVGuide.com: Jiminy is a rare name. Is it short for anything?
Glick: Jimithion. [Laughs] But seriously, my parents were spooning during a picnic, and while it was going on, a cricket went in to my father's "door marked exit." Nine months later, out came I and they named me after the little fellow.

TVGuide.com: So who's the better interviewer, you or James Lipton?
Glick: I think James Lipton is obsessed with listening, and that's a mistake.

TVGuide.com: Why is listening a mistake?
Glick: I think it's showing off. I like to ask a question and then, oftentimes, my mind will wander. When the person has stopped talking, I assume he's stopped his thought. If he hasn't, I don't care.

TVGuide.com: Do you have any advice for red-carpet interviewer Joan Rivers?
Glick: Keep it up. More of the same. If I had to speak to one more cast member of ER, I'd froth at the mouth. I don't know anyone. I don't know anyone who's out there, either. Lana Turner is the last actress I really knew. Now the kids are all grunge and they have attitude. But Joan is a wonderful spirit, and I think she's been brave in Hollywood. So many of these people are getting surgery, and Joan has just said, "I'm going to age naturally."

TVGuide.com: Do you find it hard to maintain a portly figure when there is such a focus on vanity in Hollywood?
Glick: It's terrible. I've struggled with it, because I love a bologna sandwich late at night. I have had liposuction once, but I went to a cheaper place — Al's Hospital and Grill. They got the hoses out and plugged them right into my backside. But unfortunately they used a hose that a gardener had used earlier and it had leaves in it. I ended up with Dutch elm disease of the ass.

TVGuide.com: That's horrible.
Glick: It is, but there's a cream for it. It doesn't bother me too much anymore, but it can act up depending on how I position myself.

TVGuide.com: Thanks, Jiminy. It's important that TVGuide.com makes its readers aware of these sorts of health concerns.
Glick: You're very welcome.

How funny? Please join me in beginning a letter-writing campaign to COMEDY CENTRAL to get them to release PRIMETIME GLICK: THE COMPLETE SERIES on DVD.

Eat Your Heart Out Apple Blythe Allison Martin!

2005-10-03T19:02:00.000-07:00

Insane Oscar winner NICOLAS CAGE and his wife/live-in barmaid have named their first child KAL-EL.

For those of you unfamiliar with comic book lore and the planet Krypton (a.k.a. those of you with lives) Kal-El is the birth name of SUPERMAN.

Sources say other names the Cages considered include: SPOCK, DARTH SIDIOUS, PROFESSOR XAVIER, QUEEN AMIDALA (for a girl) and SPAWN.

In other news, Cage's wife ALICE KIM will be the world's first woman to serve as both a child's mother and paid nanny.

The Supremes: A New Reality Show

2005-10-03T18:21:00.000-07:00

On the heels of PRESIDENT BUSH'S second Supreme Court justice nomination, C-SPAN has announced plans to reinvigorate its sagging ratings with an American Idol-type reality show called THE SUPREMES.

Contestants, including nominees HARRIET MIERS and JOHN ROBERTS, will hear mock cases and deliver opinions during live, one-hour broadcasts. The competition series -- which producers say will combine elements from AMERICAN IDOL and THE PEOPLE'S COURT -- will also feature nominees performing songs from the Supreme's extensive catalouge.

A panel of judges will evaluate each nominee's performance, while fans at home will be able to vote for their favorites via text messaging. A 30-minute results show will air the following day.

C-SPAN has tapped former Secretary of State JAMES BAKER, TOP MODEL alum JANICE DICKINSON, JUDGE JUDY, DIANA ROSS and the corpse of the late Chief Justice WILLIAM REHNQUIST to judge. Among contestants who will battle Miers and Roberts for an official nomination: former New York City mayor RUDY GIULIANI, MPAA chief JACK VALENTI, TV lawyer ALLY MCBEAL and OMAROSA MANIGNAULT-STALWORTH, hungry for another reality show.

As far as Bush's nomination of MIERS, I don't really have much to say. She's so inexperienced, she might as well have won the nomination in a reality contest. But nominating a diletantte is nothing new with Bush.

Sure her plans to undo the Roe v. Wade decision are scary, but really no scarier than her fucking ugly mug. While she may not support women's reproductive rights, her heavy use of EYE LINER (pictured above) indicates she looks to drag queens and streetwalkers as her style gurus. (Either that or Bush has finally done it and nominated an actual cartoon character to a government post. Could be, I wasn't sure if this picture I found online was a picture of Ms. Miers from a few years ago.)
Damn! I was really holding out for CAPTAIN CRUNCH.
I hear ABC has offered to remodel her face on a November Sweeps episode of EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION.

BREAKING: Bradley Cooper tapped to feed lines to Julia Roberts in Her Broadway Debut

2005-10-03T17:28:00.000-07:00

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY reports that KITCHEN CONFIDENTIAL's BRADLEY COOPER will star opposite Oscar-winning America's Sweetheart JULIA ROBERTS in THREE DAYS OF RAIN, a play that will mark the actress' Broadway debut in March.

Roberts insisted producers get "that guy from WEDDING CRASHERS" to play her leading man, though sources close to the pretty woman say she meant OWEN WILSON. Apparently Cooper's deal was already closed when producers recognized the mix-up.

The play's run will not conflict with the production of Cooper's FOX sitcom (should it even last that long) and hopefully will leave him just enough time to squeeze in a few last minute appearances as Sydney's wimpy reporter friend on ALIAS.

Perez Hilton Has Fun With PhotoShop

2005-10-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

Gossip blog PEREZ HILTON had a PhotoShop contest featuring a Girl Scout photo shoot with DAKOTA FANNING. Above, one of the winning entries. Visit the site to see more.

Fall TV Rundown

2005-10-03T14:36:00.000-07:00

We're three weeks into the new TV season and I must say I was incredibly dismayed (and a bit relieved) by the overall blandness and low quality of the new fall offerings. Last year it seemed like I was adding a slew of new shows to my plate, and word that this year would find a return to my beloved serialized format (thanks to the successes of LOST and DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES last year) would have my Tivo overloaded. But as it turns out, I'm pretty much sticking to the shows from last year. Nothing has grabbed my attention and only a few have me willing to give them second chances.

All is not lost though. After all, FREDDIE premieres this Wednesday at 8 p.m.

SUNDAY
Must Watch - Curb Your Enthusiasm, Extras

HBO continues it's "all Hollywood, all the time" axiom with the return of two of TV's funniest sitcoms. LARRY DAVID is still up to his GEORGE CONSTANZA-ESQUE misanthropy and THE OFFICE's RICKY GERVAIS is back to exploring awkward and inappropriate social interaction, this time amongst movie "background artists" on the BBC co-production that's featuring guest stints by some of Hollywood's biggest stars. (KATE WINSLET was fucking hilarious lampooning the Oscars' obsession with Holocaust movies.) While not as subtle or heart-tugging as Gervais' first TV effort, I have to say, I think EXTRAS has been funnier right out of the gate than THE OFFICE was. Never before has one hour of comedy been filled with so many awkward pauses.

Obligatorily Tivo - Rome, Desperate Housewives, Grey's Anatomy

I mentioned a few weeks back that I was going to keep watching ROME, lest I miss out on the next DEADWOOD. Five weeks later, I still haven't seen another episode, but I've been Tivoing and am just trying to work up the energy to give this more-boring-than-a-high-school-history-paper series a second chance. DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and GREY'S ANATOMY are two incredibly overrated and overwatched shows that I greatly abhor, but continue to watch in order to stay current in pop culture. Thankfully, they're both mildly entertaining and housewives even has my favorite nutjob MARCIA CROSS.

MONDAY
Must-Watch - Arrested Development

Best. Show. On. TV. Hilarious. Period.

Jury's Still Out - Kitchen Confidential, How I Met Your Mother

Kitchen started strong, then followed up last week with a pretty lackluster episode. I'm greatly sticking it out to show my ALIAS love for BRADLEY COOPER. The rest of the cast is pretty great too, and there definitely feels like they're could be a show here if the writers find their stride. (Based on its piss-poor ratings, though, don't know if the show will be around long enough for that to happen.) Over on CBS, HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER is a harmless, sweet and reasonably funny sitcom that is, again, elevated by a solid cast that includes ALYSON HANNIGAN and NEIL PATRICK HARRIS.

Obligitorily Tivo - Prison Break

This had to be my most anticipated new series, and unfortunately it lacks all of the panache and adrenaline-pumping storytelling of 24, but maintains all of the far superior series' penchant for cheesy dialogue and over-the-top plot twists. WENTWORTH MILLER seemed like a star in the making, but he's cool to the point of dullness no matter which way you slice his chiseled face. I do think that SARAH WAYNE CALLIES is a real find as the prison doctor -- she's got a real LAURA LINNEY crossed with Northwestern's own ANNE-MARIE JEUNET thing going. But I just find this show so tedious and the dialogue laughable. I'm two episodes behind and since this show just got picked up for a full season, I better catch up now.

TUESDAY
Must Watch - House, Nip/Tuck, Boston Legal

The above series are all amongst the funniest shows on TV, and they're all drama series. Glad to have the hedonistic doctors of MCNAMARA/TROY back as well as the unethical rainmakers of CRAINE, POOLE & SCHMIDT. Gone for too long, but certainly not forgotten. Paired with fellow misanthrope DR. GREGORY HOUSE (are you noticing a trend in my taste) Tuesday has become the playing field for TV's most deliciously vindictive zinger slingers. I worried a bit about NIP/TUCK after it's overlong, self-indulgent, shoot-me-I'm-bored premiere, but last week the show was back to its heavy-handed, allegory-prone, oh no they di'in't best.

Watchable - My Name Is Earl, The Office, Bones

All series of reasonable quality, with EARL by far the best of the bunch thanks to its unique, you-ain't-seeing-this-nowhere-else-on-TV-and-sure-as-hell-not-on-NBC voice. JASON LEE is easy to watch and JAIME PRESSLY is surprisingly funny. As far as procedurals go, BONES is probably the most bizarre (a forensic anthropologist teams with a vampire, er, FBI agent), but series stars EMILY DESCHANEL and DAVID BOREANAZ boast significant chemistry.

Obligitorily Tivo - Commander-in-Chief, Supernatural

Both shows boasted pretty high pedigrees and ubiquitous ad campaigns this summer. Supernatural, sadly, fell flat despite fun leads JARED PADALECKI and JENSEN ACKLES. COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF was pretty bad, but not quite as dreckful as I had anticipated. At least not in its first outing. I'm going to give it another shot, even if the sight of GEENA DAVIS' fat injected face forces me to watch with a barf bag close by.

Skip - Sex, Love & Secrets

DENISE RICHARDS may be the hottest mother of two out there, but she is no HEATHER LOCKLEAR and her scheming publicist character is no AMANDA WOODWARD. Rose and Hank are no ALLISON PARKER and BILLY CAMPBELL; ERIC BALFOUR is no MICHAEL MANCINI. Christ, token black girl TAMARA TAYLOR isn't even as good as RHONDA. In short, this show is no MELROSE PLACE. It's not even a MODELS, INC. or a CENTRAL PARK WEST or TITANS or a SWANS CROSSING.

Still Haven't seen - Close to Home

WEDNESDAY
Must Watch - Lost, Veronica Mars

Currently duking it out for best show on TV, V. Mars is currently in the lead thanks to its so-good-it-hurts season premiere.

Obligatorily Tivo - Invasion

Many have said that this was the best of fall's LOST rip-offs, but this ONCE & AGAIN-INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS hybrid just felt really plodding and boring. WILLIAM FICHTNER's creepy sheriff ain't got nothing on Lost's TERRY O'QUINN and this show wins the award for most grating cute girl on TV. With the exception of EDDIE CIBRIAN's dimples, there's nary an engaging character or castmember in the bunch. Still, I often forget that not all shows are masterpieces right out of the gate, so I'm going to try to follow along for the time being.

Skip - The Apprentice: Martha Stewart

The original APPRENTICE worked so well because THE DONALD played right into the public's perception of him. While Martha's got her Stepford persona down pat, she forgets that even the people who love her know that she's a cold-hearted bitch behind closed doors. I just wish she let out the claws a bit when we get the Boardroom, I mean "Conference Room" scenes. Sorry Martha, you just don't fit in my Tivo.

THURSDAY
Must Watch - Alias

OK, so the premiere wasn't great, but I will follow SYDNEY BRISTOW to the ends of the earth. Fingers optimistically crossed that things will pick up and the loss of VAUGHN will be a dramatic boon, not a sad tabloid cover story.

Obligitorily Tivo - The O.C., Nightstalker

Probably the most inexcusably boring prime-time soap ever, but must watch, if only to keep my pop-culture-referencing muscles in check. I'm starting to see why STUART TOWNSEND was fired from LORD OF THE RINGS. He, like his show, is incredibly dull, but ever looking for a worthy X-FILES successor, I think I'll give this show another shot, in great part because its pilot was one of the most beautifully shot episodes of TV I think I've ever seen.

Skip - Joey, Will & Grace, The Apprentice, Reunion

Put these shows out of their (and our) misery. Please

FRIDAY
Obligatorily Tivo - Threshold

Again, often called the best of the season's LOST rip-offs. Its two-hour premiere got all the '50s sci-fi cheese factor down, but very little of the requisite charm. It seemed hokey and ridiculous and only produced unintentional laughs. Still, I feel like I should give this show a few more chances. Plus, I loves me some CARLA GUGINO. Sexiest threat analyst ever!

American Idol Contestant FINALLY Reveals Deep, Dark Secret

2005-10-03T11:05:00.000-07:00

No, not CLAY AIKEN. He still claims to have no secrets or unseemly proclivities whatsoever, and I would never insinuate otherwise.

I'm talking about FANTASIA BARRINO, the teen mother and AI-3 winner who, in her new memoir LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE, reveals that she is illiterate.

That's right. She reveals she can't read in the new book she just wrote. Apparently, Barrino decided to come clean about her struggles with illiteracy in order to out-retard PARIS HILTON. (Though fellow rookie author Hilton claimed to write a book without ever having read one, Barrino insists that she couldn't read a book even if she tried.)

Barrino says she wrote the book by drawing a complex series of pictograms and illustrations which were then translated into written words by a co-author. (Barrino's voice was deemed too shrill and grating to allow for oral dictation.) Real-life NELL translator MICHAEL HANDLEY (yes from the JODIE FOSTER movie!) and fictional Harvard symbologist ROBERT LANGDON were called in to assist in breaking down the formidable language barrier.

But some of the book's prose has still left readers confounded, like the (allegedly) climactic penultimate chapter, SQUIGGLY-LINE STOP SIGN PURPLE STICK FIGURE $6 SMILEY FACE!

While she realizes her unorthodox syntax may turn off some readers, Barrino said she knew the literary world was ready to accept a functioning illiterate author when she heard that a book called ME TALK PRETTY ONE DAY shot to the top of the bestsellers lists.

Barrino says she realized her illiteracy was a problem last spring when, unable to read the voter dial-in numbers that flashed across the screen during AMERICAN IDOL, she accidentally voted for DIANA DEGARMO instead of herself. She also noted that because she can't read a menu, she's compelled to order french fries wherever she goes, no matter what the hour, and has taken to filling in her name in any and all blank spaces she encounters on contracts, forms and magazine subscription cards.

Indeed, a copy of Barrino's latest car registration renewal application reveals that she dated it "Fantasia Barrino," and that she indicated the make and year of her automobile to be a "Fantasia Barrino Vroom Fantasia."

Despite her struggles, illiteracy isn't all that bad, Barrino says. She credits her disability with the birth of her daughter, whom Barrino had when she was just 17.

"I couldn't read the directions on the back of the pregnancy test," Barrino says. "I couldn't tell if 'pink' meant pregnant or not pregnant, so I had to just take a guess. I went with 'not pregnant,' and about seven months later I figured out I'd guessed wrong."

Barrino is expected to trek across the country this fall to promote her book, if she can actually figure out how to read her calendar.

Read the real story at Zap2it.com.

Dateline Hollywood Breaks Joss Whedon's Return TV

2005-10-03T10:26:00.000-07:00

Hilarity continues over at DATELINE HOLLYWOOD, with today's post on SERENITY creator and geek demagogue JOSS WHEDON's obsessive fandom. Below, an excerpt:

JOSS WHEDON GROCERY LIST GARNERING HUGE INTERNET BUZZ
"Buffy" fans demand studio order "Joss' Grocery List" to Series

Hollywood – A grocery list written by BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER creator JOSS WHEDON that made its way onto the Internet has become a cult hit, generating hundreds of thousands of hits. “It’s got that trademark Whedon wit,” said blogger Holly Morales, noting the SERENITY writer/director wrote “diet moo juice” instead of “skim milk.” Tens of thousands of devoted Whedon fans have signed petitions and raised $2.5 million demanding that a studio turn JOSS' GROCERY LIST into a television series by next fall.

Universal Cancels "Firefly" Movie Due to Low Ratings - er Box Office. Studio Blames Fans' Parents, Who Wouldn't Give Them Rides to the Theatre

2005-10-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

In an unfortunate chain of events that has JOSS WHEDON saying, "deja vu," SERENITY, the film adaptation of his low-rated, sci-fi TV series FIREFLY, bombed at the box office grossing just over $10 MILLION in its opening weekend.

The original series, about a rag-tag group of space cowboys, aired on FOX in 2002 and was canceled after just nine episodes. In a move painfully similar to the FOX network's strategy three years ago, Serenity-backer UNIVERSAL is pulling the film from theatres after just one weekend, opting instead to show re-runs of COPS in its place.

"We tried to get the word out to the fans," an unnamed Universal exec, says, "But at the end of the day, if their parents won't drive them to the theatre, what can you do?"

There was no comment from writer-director Whedon at press time, but we can be sure that when he does release a statement, it will be full of witty pop culture references.

Serenity's cool reception has forced FOX to hault its plans to adapt CHRIS O'DONNELL's recently canceled legal comedy HEAD CASES for the big screen, though NBC-UNIVERSAL hasn't quite given up on its pending movie versions of defunct FATHER OF THE PRIDE and the soon-to-be-canceled JOEY.

When asked why a Firefly movie didn't perform at the box office, CNN senior media analyst MARTIN GROVE replied, "What's Firefly?"

Starving Renee Zellweger Attempts to Eat Jennifer Garner in a Famished State of Delirium

2005-10-02T01:15:00.000-07:00

On-the-rebound Oscar nominee RENEE ZELLWEGER ran into JENNIFER GARNER and BEN AFFLECK at this Saturday's RED SOX/YANKEE game in BOSTON. It was Zellweger's first public appearance since her quickly annulled, "are they kidding?" marriage to country star KENNY CHESNEY.

Zellweger, who's been hauled up in her Texas ranch listening to WHITE STRIPES CDs since the marriage fizzled, was shocked to see the normally svelte Garner pleasantly plump and immediately asked her what movie she gained the weight for. But when the ALIAS starlet told her that her new waistline was courtesy of the little Garffleck spawn growing inside her, the two laughed and exchanged folksy Southern platitudes.

After watching Affleck (who, like many actors of a similar caliber, is rumored to be mulling a gubernatorial run in the future) down six hotdogs, the purportedly 12-lb. Zellweger began to salivate. (Sources say she hasn't ingested solid food since the BRIDGET JONES 2 wrap party in March 2004.) Zellweger charged at the helpless mama-to-be and proceeded to stuff Garner's adorably dimpled mug into her mouth. Luckily, she chipped her tooth on Garner's unusually chiseled jaw line and was forced to purge yet another meal.

Onlookers say Zellweger quickly apologized and then attempted to marry her.

More Gossip from the Teen Vogue Party

2005-10-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

NEW YORK DAILY NEWS gossip maven LLOYD GROVE also got some dish that I was too inebriated to notice at the TEEN VOGUE party last month.

His column reveals (allegedly) why HILLARY DUFF was looking so pissy at the soiree, as I had originally reported. Seems that she was none too pleased to be face to face, yet again with arch nemesis and fellow Disney darlin' LINDSAY HOHAN. As far as his column, goes, I can't confirm much, though I can attest to seeing Hohan and Duff on opposite sides of the pool the entire night. My NEW YORK MAGAZINE-approved fact-checking skills are on top alert below. (I burst Lloyd's bubble (and his shoddy reporting) in BOLD CAPS below.)

Pooling allies in
teen queen tiff
Forget the Crips and Bloods.

The new gang war in L.A. is between the Balenciagas and the Fendis.

At Tuesday night's Teen Vogue Young Hollywood party, rival gang leaders Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff divided guests into two factions on opposite sides of the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel pool, then exchanged ominous glares all night long.

Yesterday reps for the warring teen queens tried to downplay the poolside staring match.

"Lindsay came to the event to support her sister Aliana, who was featured in the Young Hollywood issue," said Lohan's flack.

Duff's rep scoffed: "Hilary and her sister, Haylie, got there at 9 p.m. and stayed 40 minutes. They didn't even see Lindsay." NOT TRUE DUFFSTER -- I DIDN'T GET THERE UNTIL 9:15 AND YOU WALKED IN A GOOD 45 MINUTES LATER AND WERE THERE FOR AT LEAST 1.5 HOURS. BAD FLACK, BAD!

On Lohan's side: Kirsten Dunst, the incredible shrinking Nicole Richie, and Richie's fiancé, DJ AM. On Team Duff: Kimberly Stewart, Duff's boyfriend, Joel Madden, Haylie Duff, Lohan's ex Wilmer Valderrama, Greek shipping heir (and Mary-Kate Olsen boy toy) Stavros Niarchos and the "Laguna Beach" kids. TALK ABOUT MAKING SHIT UP. WHILE THEY GOT IT RIGHT AS TO HOW THE STARS WERE SPREAD ACROSS THE POOL THAT NIGHT, MOST OF THESE CELEBS NEVER EVEN TALKED TO EACH OTHER. (I KNOW, I WAS STALKING.) TO INSINUATE THERE WERE ACTUAL TEAMS IS THE KIND OF IRRESPONSIBLE JOURNALISM I'M KNOWN FOR!

An eyewitness reports: "There was a lot of tension, a lot of evil looks. Nobody went into the other's territory."

They're apparently still carrying a grudge over their long-ago misguided rivalry for the affections of Aaron Carter. Lowdown hears that relations are raw because Hilary Duff recently rebuffed Lohan's olive branch.

Says an insider: "Lindsay called Hilary and was like, 'Enough?' And Hilary just said, 'No f-ing way,' and hung up on her. Hilary's a wolf in sheep's clothing, so Linds is done."

Duff's rep denied the hangup, claiming the two have never spoken on the phone.

But the smell of aggression was everywhere. A Lowdown spy reports that after Niarchos was carded, he threw his plastic at the bartender's face and said disgustedly, "Get me the good stuff. Patron, not Cuervo."

Hey the Greek guy likes the PATRON too! Too bad I had cleaned them out that night!

Hasday & Chauncey Antics Make E! Online!!!

2005-10-01T18:41:00.000-07:00

Well, not really. E! ONLINE's resident gossipist TED CASABLANCA was apparently also in attendance at the Sept. 20th TEEN VOGUE: "YOUNG IN HOLLYWOOD" party we attended. And while all we really got to do was oggle and come up with snarky comments about celebs in attendance, Teddy actually interviewed some!

Here's his take on the events:

SWIMMING WITH BABY SHARKS
"I can't answer that because I've never been an adult."
--Quick-thinkin' 23-year-old Nicole Richie, when I asked her what teens do better than adults

Nic-doll wasn't the only one who cracked me up at Teen Vogue's Party to Celebrate Young Hollywood. Roosevelt Hotel. Poolside. Cheeseburgers and lemonades abounded (like anybody put them down their throats).

Was thrilled to see Lindsay back to her curvy, redheaded self. She arrived late, hung by the pool. We kiss-kissed hullo but newly energetic Linds had biz to tend to: "I'm having a meeting here. About this movie. How crazy is that?" Extremely, hon. But I love it.

Porcelain punim Erika Christensen was on-site to "support Teen Vogue" according to her flack, but I did sneak in one question: "Since Paris Hilton is reportedly gettin' all domestic, who's the next big Hollywood party girl?"

"Not me," she laughed. And her guy friend--just a friend--added a kicker: "See, Erika actually likes to work." Catch Flightplan, girlfriends. It's true.

Slimmed-down Jack Osbourne, always a churlish charmer, offered a fascinating take on Hollywood's next party hopper. "How about Maddox?" I'm with ya, Jack.

There was only one thing scarier than that conversation--Kirsten Dunst. No makeup, lookin' so damn weary. "I just came here to hang out," she 'splained to me. Jake Gyllenhaal, would you stop putting this gal through the on-again, off-again ringer?

"Wish It Were a" Blind Item

2005-10-01T17:41:00.000-07:00

WHICH Northwestern alum looks eerily like CYNTHIA NIXON's lesbian lovah? The lookalike is a former ZBT-er. I'm still trying to decide if this is just a picture of him in a wig.

Guesses?

Obsessions of the Month: October

2005-10-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT – THE COMPLETE SERIES MARATHON
Season 2 of TV’s best show arrives on DVD October 11, and what better way to get through the struggling sitcom’s baseball playoff-hiatus than a full-blown marathon of the complete series? My Season 1 DVDs have almost disintegrated from overuse and my Tivo (OK, I guess I have to come clean – I have a Fauxvo – the Motorola MOXIE) is sweating from all the AD Season 3 episodes it’s going to have to store. But in the end, it will all be worth it as we relish:

LUCILLE’S obliviously BITING REMARKS: “Lindsay: Did you enjoy your meal, Mom? You drank it fast enough. Lucille: Not as much as you enjoyed yours. You want your belt to buckle, not your chair.”
-each of G.O.B.’s “HUGE MISTAKES,”
-TOBIAS’ unending list of GAY DOUBLE ENTENDRES (“Well, Michael, you really are quite the Cupid, aren’t you? I tell you, you can zing your arrow into my buttocks any time.”)
-GEORGE SR.’S “LESSONS”

Mmmm…spicy club sauce never sounded so gooood.

BATMAN BEGINS ON DVD
Even though they stole the entire storyline from ALIAS (Batman was working for the very enemy he thought he was fighting? So Season I. That infecting the water to turn Gothamites into raving lunatics? The whole plot of Season IV! I was waiting for RAMBALDI to make a cameo) – this was the best comic book epic in recent memory. Plus it's so nice to be ridden of those homoerotic, nipply batsuits of yore. CILLIAN MURPHY was all kinds of creepy as the girlie-pretty-but-still scary SCARECROW, (where was he in JOEL SCHUMACHER versions?) and MICHAEL CAINE and TOM WILKINSON turned in memorable turns as well. I’m a little sad they made the love story between BRUCE WAYNE and DROOPY-EYES MCBEARD so prevalent because she was dreadful, and I feel like losing her in future installments will sort of sell-out the personal journey they established for Bruce in this one. Regardless, I hope she gets killed off VAUGHN-STYLE in the sequel’s opening credits.

>CAMPAIGNING FOR VERONICA MARS
As hard as it is for me to admit, it really is about time: My irrational love affair with ALIAS is over. Well, not completely over as you’ll see from this list and the content on the blog. But I’m no longer going to go about hosting viewer recruiting seminars, assaulting people who don’t recognize its brilliance or asking my barber for the KATYA DEREVKO. SYDNEY BRISTOW’s always going to be that girl I loved in college, but I’m out of college and it’s time to move on.

VERONICA MARS has now taken its place as both the best drama series on TV, and the series that occupies that little place closest to that cold, grey stone that rests where my heart should be. If you haven't seen VERONICA MARS yet, please go out and rent or buy the DVD Oct. 11. This week it kicked off its second season with what was, hands down, the best premiere this year -- transcendent even. So good it gave me chills -- to see a show just effortlessly lift off after what was an impossibly good first season with a seemingly insurmountable amount of back story to overcome.

It's got everything you need in a show. Hot but not intimidating hot leading lady? Check! Wrought family relationships? Check! Old-school high school drama? Check! Overarticulate teenagers spouting crisp repartee? Check! Crazy cool mysteries and mind-bending mythology? Check! A kick-ass soundtrack? You guessed it. This show is ALIAS set in high school, or THE O.C. meets good. CHECK IT OUT PLEASE!

TOP 200 SONGS OF '90S PLAYLIST
Remember those songs you used to hear at those sixth-grade dances? Or at bar mitzvahs? The ones that even seemed dated at the time? Well now I’ve got them all! I downloaded this Top 200 Songs of the ‘90s playlist and wasn’t sure what was more sad: the fact that I downloaded it or the fact that I already had 124 of the songs. We’re talking REAL MCCOY. BLACKSTREET, EN VOGUE MARCY PLAYGROUND and LA BOUCHE. Songs like “LOVE YOU ALWAYS FOREVER,” “HERE COMES THE HOTSTEPPER,” “AS I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP” and of course, perennial SNL fave “WHAT IS LOVE.” It now has me saying to LUCHOW daily “baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me” for listening to this non-stop.

ALIAS: SEASON IV ON DVD
OK, you know what I said about getting over ALIAS? Doesn’t mean I can’t look back on happier times. Last year was a HUGE year for my ALIAS recruiting efforts. I had brought the Season I and II DVDs to Spain with me and recruited about five people there. (They loved, obviously). Then at 828 last fall, there was a massive viewing of the first three seasons, and I successfully sucked in LUCHOW, HASDAY, GROSSMAN, HILLARY WASCH and some of her friends, and the entire DG house on Hamlin.

But Season IV was the first time we were all watching on the same page. “Hey guys, aren’t you excited? This is going to be great, right?” Well, I felt like kind of an asshole when everyone else started to get frustrated right off the bat. What the fuck was the deal with those pointless, LAW & ORDER-style stand alones? Or the BUFFY-style vampire episode? Or the pushed-to-the-sides VAUGHN & SYDNEY love story?

But I still insist, SEASON IV was a solid year. It seemed to establish for good that the series would never return to the glories of its first two seasons, but even though its cheap, stand-alone approach ran completely counter to the show’s DNA, episode for episode it was a better presentation than the slopfest that was the second half of SEASON III.

Season IV gave us the back-on-track, two-hour extravaganza premiere, the resurrection of IRINA DEREVKO, the return of ANNA ESPINOSA, the clever “WELCOME TO LIBERTY VILLAGE,” the reappearance of the BIG, RED BALL, the best cliffhanger of last season (even if it didn’t ultimately play out so hot) and the introduction of naughty ELENA “TITS” DEREVKO. (When I heard that SONIA BRAGA was joining the cast, I Googled her to see what she looked like and to my surprise EVERY picture of this woman online was a topless shot. Every one. Try it. See for yourself. Anyway, from then on Season IV’s big bad was referred to across Evanston as, you guessed it: TITS DEREVKO!)

Sure, Season IV produced some of the worst episodes ever (the vampire episode? The one with the completely unintimidating terminator toy helicopter?) and totally wasted the beautiful and talented MIA MAESTRO as Syd’s half-spy sis, but there was plenty of good along the way, including most notably, the episode that saw Sydney impersonating her mother to extract intel from her bugged-out dad – one of the series’ best scenes.

ALIAS DVDs are always some of the best around, and I look forward to rewatching.

SUNNIN
I’ve been in L.A. since July and I can say that this lil’ Lebanese joint is our first “find.” Tucked in a hole in the wall place on the corner of WESTWOOD & SANTA MONICA, SUNNIN is filling the gaping hole in my heart (and stomach) left by my departure from Evanston and its glorious similarly-themed establishment OLIVE MOUNTAIN. While no place will ever replace the ole O. Mount, Sunnin comes pretty damn close. And just three blocks away from work, it’s the perfect way to cap off a long day of Xeroxing and blogging while no one’s looking. Try their spicy club, er, hot sauce and hummos, smooth as clouds.

WEEDS
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES ain't got nothing on this scathingly hilarious look at suburbia. The sexy-as-all-hell MARY-LOUISE PARKER (eat your heart out BILLY CRUDUP) stars as a widow who takes up pot dealing to support the family and their picture perfect American Dream lifestyle. Throw in KEVIN NEALON as her accountant/number one client, a sassy black family as her suppliers, ANGELS IN AMERICA co-star JUSTIN KIRK as her devilishly hedonistic brother-in-law and ELIZABETH PERKINS, almost unrecognizable as the coldest, most hateful, PTA president bitch ever. Who knew sunny miss, I-was-the-love-interest-in-BIG-and-played-WILMA FLINSTONE could be so deliciously toxic?

WEEDS is the first single-camera, half-hour comedy that actually strives for dramatic realism that I can think of. It's opening credits are worth the price of a SHOWTIME subscription. Performances are downright brilliant across the board, and above all it's fucking hilarious. Like ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT if Arrested Development had a soul. MARCIA CROSS should dump the ho's at WISTERIA LANE and move over to AGRESTIC -- where housewives are really desperate and scripts aren't written in Crayon by developmentally challenged fifth graders.

PEPPER JACK STRING CHEESE
Dearly departed DAN GROSSMAN (now saving the world in Senegal) was the king of the PEPPER JACK CHEESE. I had never really tried it before, but after watching him add it to those “delicious looking, I swear” sandwiches with gobs of THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING, I figured I had to try it. Besides, I LOVE cheese. Turns out it’s quite tasty, and when I saw it in string cheese form at BRISTOL FARMS, I thought it was ingenious. Who doesn’t love string cheese?

THE EXPRESSION: "LIFE ISN'T ALL FLOWERS AND SAUSAGES!"
If you didn't see WIFE SWAP on Monday, I feel bad for you. I had never seen the show before, but it happened to come on after MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL and rocked my world. So much so that I think I was destined to see it. I mean what are the odds that I would have it on in the background when it was airing? (What the fuck are the odds that I'd have Monday Night Football on in the background before that even?) In the episode, a punk rock family gets a Texas-raised, Republican neat freak for a new mom. The oldest son is a pudgy little punker with a mohawk that has a penchant for doing and saying things exactly as JIMMINY GLICK would. Anyway, one of the mom's new rules is that the kids can't wear black clothes, which causes poor lil' Jimminy to flip a shit saying:

"If you're gonna make us where bright little clothes, OH LIFE IS ALL FLOWERS AND SAUSAGES, I'm gonna wear a shirt that says 'Fuck Shannon,' if I can."

He then contorts into that expression GLICK does when he's really impressed by the question he just asked. (Crosses his legs, props his elbow on his leg and rests his head on his clenched fist.) FLOWERS & SAUSAGES? Is that an expression? What the fuck? It was the most hilarious outburst ever, I have since saved the episode indefinitely and have played it at least four times a day since.

I'm trying desperately to find a video or screencaps online to show everyone, but it's been tough. (Call is going out to ABC publicity on Monday.) It is quite simply the most ridiculous and hilarious thing I've ever seen -- so much so that I am going around saying "Flowers & Sausages" all the time and am considering appropriating the expression as the new title for this blog.

VH-1's BEST WEEK EVER has also gotten on the bandwagon, posting a clip. I did a google search on the phrase and confirmed that it is indeed not an expression -- in fact flowers and sausages are almost never correlated in any context, except one:

"DNA first collapses into quasi-condensed structures known as "flowers" and "sausages" and then into the well-known toroids and rods, respectively."

As one adroit blogger said: "Either the fat kid knows a hell of a lot about molecular biology or it's one hell of a coincidence."

47 Signs You'll Be Watching Alias Tonight

2005-09-29T14:12:00.000-07:00

Those who attended 828'S ALIAS FINALE PARTY (all four of you) may remember this slightly edited list. If you satisfy any of the following, your endgame best include you tuning in to tonight's premiere.

And to all my Alias watching brethren of yore - GROSSMAN, DANIEL ESCUTIA, TRACIE GIBLER, WASCH, COSTAS, NIKKI, RIKKI and the GIRLS O' HAMLIN - I will be thinking of you tonight!

So: 47 SIGNS YOU'LL BE WATCHING ALIAS TONIGHT

1. Instead of asking for directions you ask for your S.O.P. (standard operating procedure).
2. You believe wearing a colorful wig and tight clothing can help you get away with anything.
3. You check the sides of old book pages for Russian characters.
4. You wonder if dress codes at all CIA black ops divisions are business casual.
5. You actually buy Sydney’s Ford Focus model and refer to it as your Spy Mobile.
6. You have suspicions that your roommate may actually be a double. (I knew ROB LUCHOW has been acting off lately.)
7. You actually attempted to write about MILO RAMBALDI for your last art history paper.
8. Whenever you sit in the passenger seat, you immediately think of NADIA.
9. You hate everyone named LAUREN.
10. Your non-“Alias” obsessed friends (like you have any of those left!) refuse to talk to you about Italians, prophecies, pickles, wigs, parent/daughter relationships, spies or anything else that might lead to a discussion about “Alias.”
11. You wonder if SARK actually could be IRINA’s son.
12. You develop opinions and theories about this and other unanswered facets of the show, and spend a large amount of time formulating arguments for both sides of the debate.
13. The main question you ask yourself shopping is “Would Sydney wear something like this?”
14. You have seen every episode. Ever. More than five times a piece.
15. You went to see MONSTER-IN-LAW just for MICHAEL VARTAN. (Guilty as charged.)
16. You press your finger to your ear every time you start to say something.

17. You design your work-out regimen with the hopes you'll one day attain IRINA DEREVKO's body.

18. You pack heat every time you plan to meet a significant other’s parents.
19. If the topic of TV shows comes up, you automatically ask the person "Do you watch Alias?" and if they say they've never heard of it... you immediately end the conversation.
20. Your history teacher mentions something about the KGB and you suddenly think "Irina?"
21. You end every phone conversation with the phrase, “Copy that.”
22. You have a codename that people actually call you by. (I think mine’s loser.)
23. You were actually pissed when the entire cast got new call signs in Season Four.
24. You think having no first name is a perfectly acceptable thing.
25. You now refer to every outing or errand as a mission.
26. You’ve considered getting an additional cover job just to throw your friends off. (Example: Nikki’s fake job no one really understands or knows about.)
27. You find yourself trying to find good, compelling reasons to name your child or pet "Irina" or "Sydney."
28. You find yourself criticizing the REAL CIA based solely on your knowledge of Alias.
29. When you go to get a hair cut, you ask for the KATYA DEREVKO. (Been there done that!)

30. JERRY SPRINGER's guests have boring, uncomplicated family/friend relationships and easy, simple-to-fix personal problems.
31. You’re convinced your grandma didn’t die. She simply moved to Russia to run her own mercenary intelligence directorate.
32. You look for air vents you could crawl into in case of an emergency.
33. When calling a friend for a ride home you always tell them, “Ready for extraction.”
34. Every time you hear the Nokia ringtone, you get excited even though there's no way it could be VAUGHN.
35. When meeting someone at a bar your go-to question is not, “What’s your major?”, but instead, “What’s your Endgame?”
36. Alias’ new Thursday-night time slot keeps you up at night. The devastation in the Gulf Coast gives you very little pause.
37. You’ve divided your wardrobe into “practical” and “tactical” gear.
38. When your roommate leaves a bar without you, you immediately accost them the next day and say, “I am horrible. I am ripped apart. And not because I lost you but because, if it had been me, I would have waited. And now I realize what an utter waste that would have been.”
39. You record every episode, then go out and buy the DVDs as well.
40. You meet a nice person and immediately become suspicious of their motives.
41. You constantly try to figure out ways to get JACK and IRINA back together.
42. You don’t turn in school assignments…you dead drop them.
43. You try to figure out which Derevko sister each of your siblings would be, and have convinced yourself that you’d sooo be the Irina.
44. Instead of writing “to-do lists” in your planner, you write them on a brown paper bag, and immediately throw them in the trash.
45. Whenever your dad asks you to do something, you immediately run to your mom for your counter mission.
46. Fuck CARRIE BRADSHAW. ARVIN SLOANE is your style icon.
47. You HAD to come up with 47 “Alias” jokes simply because it’s Rambaldi’s favorite number.

Watch ALIAS

2005-09-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

ALIAS premieres its fifth season tonight in TV's most competitve hour - Thursdays at 8 p.m. No longer enjoying the lead-in of fellow geek chic phenom LOST, Alias will be forced to become a self-starter going up against CBS juggernaut (though fading) SURVIVOR, NBC's abomination of a line-up in JOEY and WILL & GRACE, FOX's already irrelevant sudser THE O.C., UPN's critically acclaimed and strong performer EVERYBODY HATES CHRIS and fanboy fav SMALLVILLE on the WB. Alias needs your viewers, and while it may not be the MUST SEE it was in seasons past, season five is starting with a clean slate and what could be a kick-ass storyline.

In last season's most jaw-dropping cliffhanger, recently engaged super spys SYDNEY BRISTOW and MICHAEL VAUGHN looked like they were riding off into the sunset together. Then Vaughn drops the bombshell that he isn't who he's claimed to be - in fact his name isn't even Michael Vaughn - and just as Syd's washed over with that "I've just been sideswiped by a car" look that she's forced to wear at the end of virtually every Alias episode she and Vaughn are, uh, sideswiped by a car.

Of course, the big surprise that everyone already knows about is that Sydney (like alter ego JENNIFER GARNER) is pregnant with Vaughn's baby - well Jennifer's most certainly not pregnant with Vaughn's baby, but you get the idea. For those of you who thought her expression and hand position in that promo poster at left was hinting at a season-long story arc about Sydney's battle with indigestion, you are sorely mistaken. (Though TUMS, may want to consider co-oping the image for its next campaign. Jennifer Garner - hottest girl dealing with gas ever!) While this might mean less of the expected butt-kicking, I think it's a great way to close out the series, if indeed this is the show's last year. At its heart, ALIAS has always been a family show, and Syd starting a family of her own seems like a natural direction for the series to take. And the possibilities of Grandpa JACK BRISTOW are too giggle-inducing to let slip by.

So make sure you tune in tonight for answers to all of this summer's tantalizing questions. Did Vaughn survive and if so, what has he been up to all these years? What's his real name? Who are new series regulars RACHEL NICHOLS, BALTHAZAR GETTY and ELODIE BOUCHEZ? And as always, what will SLOANE be wearing?

Please watch VERONICA MARS

2005-09-27T13:12:00.000-07:00

The big mystery on VERONICA MARS this season: Will anyone watch?

Last year, far too many missed out on what was probably the most consistently perfect show on TV. For you V. Mars neophytes, the series followed high-school-outcast-by-day, private detective-by-night Veronica, who with her super sleuth Pops set on a quest to solve the mystery behind the death of her best friend. Along the way she investigated her own rape, the suicide of her arch nemesis-come-boyfriend's mom, the abduction of the school mascot and every other possible story in between.

Veronica is, like all TV heroines, smart, sexy and sassy, but few have pulled off spunk with such adorable ease as series star KRISTEN BELL, who despite a campy turn on EMMY IDOL, is truly a big star in the making.

The show's a film noir set in high school, using all the genre's gloriously dark motifs to explore the emotionally wrenching high school years. This season, the murder of best friend LILY KANE solved, Veronica will take on a new mystery. For those newbies who want to see where it all began, be sure to Netflix or even better BUY the VERONICA MARS: SEASON I DVD

As my final plea, I defer you to JOSS WHEDON, creator/mastermind behind BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER, the show to which V. Mars has often been refered to as a succesor. (This season, several Buffy alums show up including ALYSON HANNIGAN and CHARISMA CARPENTER, plus Mr. Whedon himself.) On his own fan site WHEDONESQUE he recently posted:

"Joss Luvs Veronica.

This is my attempt at posting my own thread. My peeps and I just finished a crazed Veronica Marsathon, and I can no longer restrain myself. Best. Show. Ever. Seriously, I've never gotten more wrapped up in a show I wasn't making, and maybe even more than those. Crazy crisp dialogue. Incredibly tight plotting. Big emotion, I mean BIG, and charsimatic actors and I was just DYING from the mystery and the relationships and PAIN, this show knows from pain and no, I don't care, laugh all you want, I had to share this. These guys know what they're doing on a level that intimidates me. It's the Harry Potter of shows. There. I said it. People should do whatever they can to check out this first season so the second won't be a spoiler fest. I'm nutty.

I'm a little calmer now. Oh God, no I'm not! Wait. Wait. Okay. Some of you may already be all up on this, and some may disagree, but I'm urging peeps to check it out, 'cause there is great TV afoot, and who doesn't want that? Thank you for your time.

Still not calm! Wait... wait...
joss | General | 06:54 CET | 159 comments total | tags: joss post, love, veronica mars, marsathon"

Can't get more of an endorsement than that, especially coming from one of TV's most respected auteurs (even if I think FIREFLY's a complete bore). Fanboy favorite KEVIN SMITH is also an admirer -- he'll appear in the season premiere as - what else - a CONVENIENCE STORE CLERK.

We do await a crisis in the Tivo age though. VERONICA's going head-to-head with other serialzed juggernaut LOST, Wednesdays at 9 p.m. It's a tough call, but I would urge you to give Veronica a shot. LOST co-creator DAMON LINDELOF said in an interview with E!'s KRISTIN VEITCH that he'd gladly give Veronica 2 million of LOST's viewers. So let's hold him to that promise, people, and if not, remember that CBS and UPN will re-run new episodes of the series Saturday nights. Set your Tivos!

Kudrow Says Cancellation of "The Comeback" Is Part of the Show's Plot

2005-09-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

From Dateline Hollywood:

Former FRIENDS star LISA KUDROW is reportedly telling family and friends that the cancellation of her HBO show, THE COMEBACK is an elaborate plot for the program. The mockumentary comedy was about a former sitcom star, Valerie Cherish, who is desperately trying to revive her career by appearing in a sitcom while simultaneously starring in a reality show.

“Don’t you see? It all makes sense. It’s about a woman trying to jumpstart her career, and now this HBO show about this woman suddenly gets cancelled,” Kudrow reportedly told former “Friends” co-stars JENNIFER ANISTON and MATTHEW PERRY. “It’s a fake cancellation. That’s the genius behind the move.”

HBO announced Monday it was not renewing the show.

“We’ve looked at our schedule and given our future commitments, we felt we would not be able to give the show the support it needed. I don’t know what Lisa Kudrow is telling people, but she’s full of sh*t,” an HBO spokeswoman said.